Happy holidays from the Hellish Hand-basket

Another year plods to a close. How do individual moments seem to drag when days, months, and years speed by so fast? The moments of 2022 blend together into a big blur of terror and boredom. 

I'd recap but memory fails.

My friend asked me if I was depressed. I said, I don't think so. After our call, I looked up the symptoms of depression. While I was at it, I looked up the symptoms of anxiety. You'll be relieved to know, I don't have either one. I might have signs of dementia, but it's too soon to know for sure. 

I'm pretty sure, though, that I am still grieving.

Just plain old garden variety grief, not so much for what I’ve lost, although that lingers, but more like grief for the idea of home that didn’t manifest for me since coming to Tucson. I sought a safe affordable home in the desert, and I got a temporary fix, which is grand, but long-term, Tucson did not turn out to be the answer for me, and that makes me sad.

As long as I'm grieving, I might as well add other losses to the list. I’m sad that suddenly I have to take so many meds. I’m sad that my heart is glitchy. I’m sad that my ears won’t settle. I’m sad I will end up joining the vast numbers of "car camping" nomads while I look for my new home. It's going to take a miracle. In other words, luck and persistence.

As long as I'm sad for myself, I might as well add my tears to the universal mix. I’m sad that so many people around the world are suffering. Near and far, life is hard and people suffer. Life has always been hard. People have always suffered. On a suffering scale, is it better or worse now, compared to decades past? I have no idea. How do you define and measure suffering? Can I say I suffer more than you suffer? To me, being cold is suffering. Hothouse flower.

Today is Christmas day. Two of my siblings got on the Zoom today with their respective significant others to do the obligatory monthly family Zoom, which just happened to fall on Christmas day. One sibling was absent. He has always blazed his own trail. Even as I send him texts (where are you? Family Zoom happening now!), I envy him his detachment. There's freedom in remaining unattached.

My family detached from Christmas years ago. When the parents were alive, we'd go out to eat. No cooking, no cleaning. Then we detached from the season by adopting a round-robin secret Santa gift-giving exchange among the immediate family members. Before long, we stopped giving gifts all together. Dad died, Mom became demented, I was broke, my younger brother was busy, and my older brother didn't care. 

Only my sister seems interested in carrying on any sort of family tradition or ritual. Channeling Mom, she sent me a toothbrush for Xmas 2021. This year I asked her not to. I can buy my own toothbrushes. But I think she was trying to hold family tradition together. As we get older, traditions have tattered. Memories have faded. We are widely scattered with no parent to glue the family dregs together. Interest and energy are circling the drain. 

Speaking of family rituals, next spring I'm planning to take a road trip to Oregon. If all goes according to plan, my sister will fly out from Boston. We will drive down to the coast and scatter Mom's ashes on the Columbia River at the same place we scattered my father's ashes, if we can find the place. It might have been washed away by time and tide since 2005 or whenever we did that ritual. Mom's been in a box for almost two years. It's time we set her free. Not that she would care—Elf on a Shelf, Mom in a Box—but I suppose my brother could use the shelf space.

It's possible that I will discover my next home somewhere on that road trip. Fingers crossed.

Free falling in slow motion

Remember when Alice fell down the rabbit hole, and she fell for such a long time, she got bored and fell asleep? The lesson of that story is that waiting for any impending disaster gets tedious after a while when the disaster fails to manifest. I've been in free fall almost from the moment I arrived in Arizona. In April it will be two years. I'm still free falling. 

The descent into the unknown is shaped partly by the imbalance in my inner ears and partly by the declining balance in my bank account. I don't know what the trajectory of my inner ears is going to be, but it's not hard to do the math on the money. I need to go someplace easier on the head and cheaper on the wallet.

I'm planning a reconnaissance road trip in April. Meanwhile, I'm using my free fall time to prepare. I don't know what I'm preparing for, exactly. 

I used to scoff at the preppers. I had an acquaintance who was sure the banking system was disintegrating. Now that I think back, it might have been around 2008. Dang it, she was right! Well, I had another friend who was prepping for the end of the world in the year 2000. Remember Y2K? No? Well, I do, sort of. I have a hazy recollection that I bought a couple extra gallons of water. I did not purchase bins of food to last me twenty years and a gun with plenty of ammo. People did, I heard. I guess their bins of food are nearing their expiration dates.  

In 2021, When I was packing for my move to Tucson, I ordered some camping gear from a survival company. Now I get emails reminding me to prepare for impending doom. After January 6 of last year, I am no longer a skeptic. This survivalist prepper lifestyle thing is somewhat associated with the van life movement, which has a certain appeal to me these days given I might be doing some "car camping" of my own soon. 

I've watched enough Walking Dead episodes to know how to take down a zombie but rioting humans are a different kind of mindless monster. Would I fight to stay alive? I'm not sure. You want my house? You want my identity? It's so important to you to destroy it? Okay. Go ahead. I'm nearing my sell-by date anyway. I had my fun. I grew up in the 1960s! No polio! It doesn't get much better than that for a little lower middle-class white girl. 

I want to shift my perception. It's going to take daily practice. Instead of seeing free fall as a scary negative experience, I want to reframe it as a grand exciting adventure. The trajectory of my life has never been linear. This is just more of that. Instead of criticizing nonlinearity as a failure, why not celebrate the organic nature of creativity? I don't have much linearity in my life but I have buttloads of creativity. 

If I can achieve the spartan lifestyle I am seeking, I'll be able to pursue my creativity and do it within my means. There won't be pressure to "get a job," the single most fatal phrase an artist can hear. I hear the voices of my parents clamoring in my head right now: You can't do that! What if you get sick? How will you live? 

Begone, all you voices. I've done my job caring for others. I've spent enough time and energy trying to fulfill someone else's idea of abundance, prosperity, and success. I'm old enough to make my choices and accept the outcomes. Hi ho hi ho, live or die, it's the creative life for me. 

It looks like the end, but it's not

I am compelled to evaluate everything. I come by it naturally. My ancestors survived by constantly evaluating their environment for threats. Is that a snake or a stick? Is that a tiger or is that just the pattern of dappled shadows among the trees? My compulsion to evaluate everything is hardwired into my DNA. I can’t not. That is what a compulsion is.

Evaluation leads to judgment. Judgment almost always leads to resentment or despair. Rarely does it lead to self-administered attaboys. Whatever happens to me, in me, around me, or by me, I have a continuous stream of chatter in my head: this is pretty good, this isn’t so bad, this is bad, this is really bad, this is the worst. 

My scale is a little skewed. I'm missing the points on the positive end of the scale, the ones that might be marked this is fabulous, this is fantastic, this is the best. I can’t bring myself to type exclamation marks. Consider them implied.

I’m so used to settling for mild resentment, I can’t let myself feel anything above that point on the scale. A good day for me is when I achieve neutrality. When my brain turns off the evaluation wheel and just listens to the wind.

What is success?

The question of the day: What is success? Go ahead, take your time. I'll let you ponder the question for a minute. It's not a trick question, but answering it could be tricky. Maybe write a list. Okay, time's up. What did you come up with? More important, whose version of success did you channel? 

 

Was it the definition of a long-dead ancestor? I pose the question because someone tried to impose their version of success on me today. After the conversation concluded, I realized it wasn't even their own definition. It was really a dead person's version of success. May they rest in pieces. 

The supposed implication was that if I aspired to that definition of success, I would be happy. Or safe, which some might say is more important than being happy.  

Did you make a list? What do you need to have in order to feel successful? Safe, secure, affordable housing and a good job? Maybe a committed relationship, a pet or two, a reliable car, a big-screen TV? Good health insurance, money in the bank, and a 401K? A predictable present and a future with no surprises?

Occasionally, I've allowed someone else's definition of success to influence my decisions. I've discovered the more I pursue someone else's dreams, the less I know who I am. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not measuring up to another person's definition of success. I feel ashamed for wanting to succeed on my own terms. That doesn't stop me, though, not for long. 

Success for me is living a healthy creative life of service on my own terms within my means. It's a construct of moving parts. I've had to flex at times. Rarely have I been able to accomplish all parts at the same time. Some parts can flex temporarily but other parts are not negotiable. 

I don't think I was meant to walk the well-trodden path. Sometimes the riskier road calls.

Searching for a feeling

As I was shuffling along the bike path by the dry Rillito River riverbed, I came to a realization that has helped me put another piece of the puzzle of my life into place. Let me set the scene. The riverbed is an energetic entity in this desert town. Its dry sand, green trees, scrubby bushes, and plastic garbage are home to all kinds of wildlife. For instance, last night at 1:25 a.m. I heard a coyote howling close by. It was probably in the wash out back of the trailer but it sounded like it was outside my window. Four husky cough-like barks followed by a perfect-pitch howl, five times in a row. I almost got up to go outside. Then I thought, are you nuts? I did that last time a dog barked in the wash. Do you know how cold it is in the desert in the middle of the night? I don't either, but it's not warm.  

Anyway, the riverbed is an amazing landscape. I enjoy walking on the bike path, dodging bike riders, skateboarders, and runners. During the day, the sun is warm for about two hours. The air feels great, especially if the wind is calm. Toward sundown the temperature starts dropping back toward the upper-30s, so I'm learning to walk while the sun is still high in the sky. The downside is, UV rays. The upside is, warm. I will always seek warmth. I'm somewhat like a lizard in that respect.

So, what did I figure out? Thanks for asking. 

First, let me insert this funny drawing that sums up the week. I drew this in 1998, as if I knew that today would be the day I would need it. 

There you go. Yeah, that seems about right.  

So, okay, thanks for waiting. I am going to tell you my little epiphany. 

But first, a little back story.

When I left home in 1977, I knew my destination. My friend Jenny had preceded me to Los Angeles, and there was no place else I wanted to be. So off I went to L.A. I stayed there for twenty years. 

In 1997, I moved back to Portland. Again, I knew my destination. Where else would I have gone? My family was there. It made sense to return home to clean up the mess of my young adulthood. After some time, I was recruited to be my mother's caregiver. You know the story. 

When I was set free in 2021, once again, I had a destination in mind: Tucson. I'd visited this city once thirty-some-odd years ago. I had a friend here. Actually more than one friend, it turned out, which was a good thing for me, because the first friend died. The second friend gave me a place to land, and now as luck would have it, we are housemates. Pure miraculous divine chance. (Is that a thing?)

Unfortunately for me, my inner ears aren't happy with the desert climate. The relentless fluctuations in air pressure keep me constantly unbalanced. I'm very careful, but I recognize that out here in the desert, I'm a perpetual fall risk. I don't care where I die, but this is not where I want to break a hip. There are other reasons Tucson is not the ideal home for me, but the air pressure variations are the main culprit. I've been researching almost since the day I arrived, trying to figure out where I should go next.

So, here I am, walking along the path, wondering where my next destination will be, and it occurs to me that what I seek is not a destination. What I seek is a feeling. Two feelings in one, really: A physical feeling (inner ear equilibrium) and an emotional feeling (call it . . . serenity). I can't choose a city on a map and move there, hoping that the city will give me the feelings I desire. I need to go out into the world in search of the feelings and then look around and see where I landed.

I'm not starting from total scratch, in case you are wondering. I mean, I could just hang a map on the wall, close my eyes, and throw some darts. I've heard of people doing that. It sounds like fun, but what if, once again, I end up in a place that upsets my inner ears and doesn't make me happy? I'm too old to waste time moving the possessions I still possess from place to place, as if affordable housing were hanging on trees. 

Darts on a map won't work but I do have some data, as I've shared in this blog before. Sea level is least likely to have huge changes in air pressure (except for Florida hurricanes, East coast nor'easters, and Pacific Northwest wind storms). My best bet is Florida (sans hurricanes) and southern California. I bet you can tell which way I will let the wind blow me. 

There's no predicting where exactly I will end up. It's very tempting to look at a map, study the housing opportunities in a city, and say, there, that place, that is where I will go. It worked out when I moved to L.A., but it didn't work when I moved to Tucson. I can't know how my inner ears will react until I go to a place, so choosing a place without visiting first would be . . .  I was going to say nuts, but let's just say, it would be inadvisable. 

I can hear you saying, Carol, nobody in their right mind would choose a city and move there without checking it out first. You are no doubt correct. I never claimed to be in my right mind. I'm getting nuttier by the minute. As a person who up till now has planned long, pondered hard, and taken action much much much later with great caution, I can barely fathom the idea of packing up and leaving without a destination. Who does that? Me, apparently. 

Destined for greatness

Howdy Blogbots. I'm happy to announce, my glitchy heart keeps chugging along, dragging the rest of me with it. I guess I follow where the heart leads me—haven't I always done that, isn't that what making art is all about, following our bliss? Who knew I was supposed to take it literally. Like, my heart is pounding out the beat of my life. When it stops, I stop.

The good news (according to my cardiologist) is my heart is misfiring but not so often or so badly that there's anything to be done about it yet. The other good news is that my upcoming CT scan was postponed until after Christmas because the machine was broken. I'm over it, this whole IV needle in the arm thing, this let's shoot you full of iodine dye thing. Probably I'll be fine.

Now that I'm probably going to live a while longer, I have had the luxury of thinking about other things.

I was thinking the other day that I have paid a high premium for the privilege of eschewing a "normal" working life for a life of creativity. At each major crossroads I encountered, I said no to money and yes to creativity. I never found a road that led to both at the same time. For me, it was always one or the other. 

Oh, sure, I had jobs, as do we all. I've had many. Among my many jobs, I've been a waitress, an administrative assistant, a gardener, a bus driver, a graphic designer, a seamstress, a warehouse worker, an activities assistant in a nursing home, and a teacher. Any one of those jobs could have been a career. But nope, not for me, I was born retired, which is to say, when a career opportunity crossed my path, I ran in the opposite direction. I said no, not to be stubborn, but because I knew I was destined for something else. I could have gone into marketing or marketing research. I could have pursued a teaching career. I could have worked my way into nursing home administration. I could have been an executive secretary for some dude in a suit. Crossroads that would have most likely led to a much different life: nicer cars, maybe a house, some money in the bank, and a healthy retirement fund.

Back at those crossroads, I would have said I was destined for a life of fulfilling creativity, as a painter, most likely, or as a famous fashion illustrator or clothing designer. Now, years later, with not much road left in front of me, I can say all those refusals have produced a life of poverty and struggle. I admit, I am a little sad. I can't say I regret my choices. I would probably do it again, if I had a do-over. I chose it, it chose me, who knows? They aren't kidding when they say do what you love and you'll probably starve. 

I can't tell if I'm simply addicted to poverty or if this is just what happens to some creative people in a society that doesn't value or support creative low-income earners. I've never made the kind of art that sells, and I wasn't willing to adapt my art to suit someone else's esthetic. I guess you can say I chose this life because my brain made me do it. That makes as much sense as anything else people have diagnosed me with. I always wondered if my brain was trying to kill me, but maybe it's just life with a thousand tiny knives making a thousand tiny cuts.

I'm too old and tired to whine about it (except here, sorry). There's nothing to be done. When I find myself wading into a pity puddle, I stop and get busy writing. It beats all the alternatives.  

Stop making sense

If I could sum up my primary problem in one sentence, it would be this: I can't stop trying to make sense. Sense of my life, sense of others, sense of life in general. In other words, I keep trying to figure it all out. If I would just stop trying to make sense of everything, if I could stop trying to manage and control everything, maybe I could relax, maybe I could take things as they come. 

Do I want to relax? Thanks for asking. Apparently not, otherwise I would stop trying to make sense of everything.

The gentle yet brutal vacuum known as Swedish death cleaning appears to be sucking up the last dregs of my past. In my ongoing quest to make sense of my current so-called life, I spent part of the day purging a few more of my possessions. I persevered, even though I felt a little short of breath today. Either my heart is not pumping right or the air here in Minimal Town is growing more rarified. Am I rising in elevation as I jettison unneeded ballast, like a human hot air balloon? No wonder my inner ears are going crazy.

Today the item on the death-cleaning chopping block was my old mailbox. You might think, Carol, really? You dragged a mailbox with you all the way from Oregon? What kind of nut are you? 

Thanks for asking. I'm the kind of nut who paints mailboxes and then enjoys receiving mail in them for eighteen years and then decides when it is time to move away, that maybe there will be a place in my future life for my hand-painted mailbox. 

That kind of nut.

When I got to Tucson, it was pretty clear there was no place here in the desert for my hand-painted mailbox. Most apartments already have mailboxes. Even if I had needed a new mailbox, the colors definitely reflect a Northwest vibe—no Southwest desert colors on this thing. It's mostly orange blobs on a green-blue background, with some purple in there to make it pop, somewhat faded after eighteen years weathering Portland weather. I don't actually remember painting the mailbox, although they are definitely my colors, but I remember building the hand-painted wooden base with which I installed it on the metal railing outside my door at the Love Shack. It was a cantilevered contraption built of wood and bolts (also painted purple, orange, and greenish blue). The base kept my mailbox in an upright position until the day I dismantled it. I threw away the base and packed up the mailbox. Yes, I dragged it with me all the way from Oregon to Arizona. 

Today was the day I decided to let it go. I took a photo of the mailbox and put it into the give-away pile. 

As it turns out, there might be a place here for that mailbox after all. My housemate rescued the mailbox from the give-away box. With a stencil and a little green or blue spray paint, the number on the front can be revised to reflect the address of the Art Trailer. The Love Shack mailbox will live on.

I can't really express how happy and relieved I feel about the repurposing (I call it the resurrection) of my old mailbox. I have berated myself multiple times for bringing so many ridiculous and useless possessions with me from Oregon. Looking back, I realize I was out of my mind with panic, grief, and fear. It's no wonder I made some foolish choices. Some of the possessions have been easy to let go. The mailbox was one of the last pieces that had no purpose here, other than to remind me of what I've lost. 

I think the mailbox represents a time in my life when I had things more or less figured out. I wasn't exactly thrilled with my life in Portland, but I knew my place in it, and things made sense to me. I knew whose daughter I was. I knew whose employee I was. I had plans, and I was getting things done. 

I always knew that time of my life would eventually end. Employers go bankrupt, cats go to heaven, mold infects apartments, and old people get dementia and then die of an aneurysm. Life (and death) happen. I guess that is the only sort of sense I can derive from my experience. Life and death happen. I experience things, but I do not control them. For reasons I can't explain, it gives me hope that my old mailbox will live on after I'm gone.

Life's little losses still linger

I don't have much to say tonight. I don't have time, either. It's crunch time for my Spanish dissertator. In any case, when work falls into my inbox, I usually jump right on it, unless I'm already booked with other work, which was the case this week. I can only work on one project at a time. First come, first served. 

Truthfully, I would rather be left alone. 

There remain many unresolved threads in my mind. Are my neurons getting mired in sticky threads? I fear so. I sense time is closing in on me. How do they put it? I think I may be running out of road. I need to get out there and see some of it before they take away my car keys.

To that end (escape), I feel compelled to minimize, downsize, death clean. Despite my intentions, I still slip up from time to time. For example, I bought two things this week: a heating pad to keep my feet warm while I work and sleep and a new seat for my bicycle. (Can I say "my" bicycle now? I still think of it as Linda's, even though she is dead now and she hardly ever rode it anyway.) 

These two things are immediately and measurably improving the quality of my life. I guess most people would say that is money well spent.

The heart monitor results are in. I'm not trained to read an EKG but even I can see that some of those squiggly lines look like an earthquake on a Richter scale. Is that normal? I suspect not but I'll find out for sure when I have a sitdown with my cardiologist. 

I'm not used to thinking of myself as a person with a heart problem. That is someone else's problem, not mine. Dad's problem. My cousin Dave's problem (he's still on the roof). 

Most of my friends have had Covid-19. My New Mexico friend just tested positive today. I feel some anxiety for her. It's hard to predict how sick someone will get. One friend was down for two weeks or more. One friend bounced back pretty fast. I worry all the time.

So far I have managed to dodge the Covid bug by staying away from crowds of people, which is not hard for me, given that I don't like crowds of people. I don't travel except alone by car. I don't go to family gatherings because I have no family here. I don't socialize with more than one friend at a time, and that almost always occurs out of doors. I wear an N95 mask to shop. I shop fast, like a guerilla in the jungle. I don't lollygag, I get in and get out. 

Besides not getting Covid (yet), I also have the superpower of invisibility. Nobody notices an older poorly dressed woman wearing a face mask. 

It's great to be old and invisible. However, even though humans don't see me, Covid can. I guess people are over it. I'm stuck in an endless loop. I go through the litany of losses to explain why my brain and body are failing: cat, Covid, Mom, moving. My little life losses still linger. So tired. 

If they can do it, why can't I?

I'm delinquent again on posting my weekly blogpost. My apologies to my five readers. I noticed I have written 606 blogposts. Jiminy crickets. I wonder what would have happened if I had decided not to post anonymously? Probably I would have been fired from my teaching job and thus would never have had the income to get a PhD. I would never have been in a position to take care of my mother for five years. If I had chosen to write under my own name, I would probably have been living in my car since 2013, that is, if I had one. Hm. On the bright side, maybe Mom would have gone to live in my brother's basement, derailing his career instead of mine. Well, I never had a career, so that's not fair. Derailing my descent into whatever the hell this is.

Anonymity can extend to erasing one's preferences. I can hear you asking, what do you mean, Carol? Thanks for asking. I will tell you. While I was riding my bike (or the deceased Linda's bike, I hesitate to claim it as my own) around the mobile home park in the gloaming this evening, it occurred to me that I perhaps don't know myself very well. I mean, when I'm immersed in other people's environments, I start to forget what I like and what I don't like. I take on the culture of my surroundings.

Let me give you some examples. 

When I was dating a runner, I took up running—well, jogging, in my case. When I was living with a surfer, I hung out on the beach (no, I never surfed, not once; apparently even I have a line I will not cross). When I was living with a golfer, I learned how to play golf. Do you see what I am doing? I'm blending in. 

Now I'm in the mobile home park. A bike happened to manifest (thanks to Bill's dead wife, Linda). I was content to cycle around the Park wearing my straw hat. However, my housemate is an avid and competent bicycle rider. This means I am now fitted out with front and back blinking lights and a bike lock. It was also brought to my attention that if I wanted to survive I should wear my bike helmet and a neon yellow vest. This is so the old drivers will see me and hopefully not run over me like they do the lizards I see flattened everywhere. And if I do get squashed, maybe the helmet will leave my head intact so my family can identify my corpse. 

Here's another example. Given that I may soon be living in my car (I mean car camping, don't freak out), I mentioned to my housemate my interest in getting a folding bicycle, thinking, you know, how handy a little bike would be for getting to the campground pit toilet in the middle of the night. Next thing I know, a Craigslist post appears in my phone: folding bike for sale! My housemate is a dynamo.

Do you see what is happening? I'm morphing into a bicyclist! 

Besides knowing all things bicycle, my housemate is skilled in the kitchen. I have been advised to consider eating seaweed and natto. I know what seaweed is, having stabbed many kelp bulbs on Oregon beaches, but natto was a new word to me. Japanese in origin, I was told. I have a rather dreary history with Japanese food, beginning with a MSG-laced quail egg in 1988. I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, that quail egg ushered in a decades-long episode of food additive aversion that lingers to this day. Name a food additive, I react to it. So you can understand my inclination to nix the natto. However, I can't say I'm not intrigued. Will the promised benefits outweigh the risks? I predict I will soon be foraging at the Asian grocer.

Mostly I try to keep my life simple (and therefore ostensibly under my control). My food plan is somewhat spartan. I continue to pare down my possessions. However, I do get impulses to binge and buy. My impulse to buy things is slow-moving but it is powerful. 

Let me give you an example. 

I ride around this mobile home park at dusk. I look into the bright windows. What do I see? Big-screen TVs showing the Kardashians or Survivor or football. Poufy little dogs barking at me through the window (and a few cats, who don't bark). Old women who resemble my mother sitting on flowered couches playing solitaire or knitting. Shelves full of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. What happens in my brain? I think, hey, I've been deprived for so long, I need some stuff of my own. From there, it's a nanohop to believing I need shelves to store and display that stuff. Then I think, I might have enough money left to buy a mobile home, not in this fancy place, but maybe in a less friendly, more decrepit trailer park in another part of town. 

This thought runs through my head every time I ride or walk through this mobile home park. Even though I know these so-called homeowners don't own the land their manufactured homes sit on; even though I know they are at the mercy of the landowners, who can raise the rent, set the rules, and sell the land at any time; even though I know most of these trailers would crack and crumble if the owners tried to relocate them to another park; even though I know I don't have the income to maintain a car, let alone a mobile home . . . even though I know all that, I still in my mind think, if they can do it, why can't I?

That is how my brain is constantly trying to kill me. I look at people who spend money and think, if they can do it, why can't I? I look at people who drink as much as they want and eat granola, pudding, pancakes, and potato chips and think, if they can do it, why can't I? 

Truth: I could do it. I could do all of that. Nobody would try to stop me. The consequences would be painful and debilitating for me and disgusting to witness for my friends and family, but I could say, eff it and jump off that cliff. If I knew I had three months to live, I would probably do it. Mm, pancakes. 

Visualize a perfect life

Howdy Blogbots. Sorry to keep you waiting. I usually post on Sunday evenings, but last night I had a deadline on a work project. I'm trying to catch up today, but the Universe seems to be conspiring to send me back to bed. The morning temperature was below 60°F, which, if you know me, is not in my optimal operating range. My preferred temperature range is 85°F to 95°F. I went out to hunt and gather wearing fleece. One of my neighbors was standing out in the sun waiting for the Sunvan in Bermuda shorts and a no-sleeved blouse. With my hat, mittens, and fleece jacket, I felt like an alien desert Eskimo. She said hello anyway, which I thought was nice. I managed to persevere and get my shopping done for the week. I really dislike shopping, especially when it is cold. 

Shortly after returning to the Trailer of Creative Minds, I was on a What's App call to a friend and the internet went out. Our connection froze and then disappeared. I thought, oh, no, her internet went out. I went over to my laptop to check my email. I was shocked to see the dreaded notice: No internet connection. Oh, no, my internet was out! Lately, it is happening almost daily. Every time it happens I am reminded that I am an addict. Curse you, Universe! I started to Google how to live without the internet and then remembered I had no internet. I took out the recycling to break the broken brain loop. 

The air pressure ebbs and flows like ocean waves here in the desert. The air breathes, and as it breathes, it takes my inner ear along for the ride, up and down, up and down. I usually notice the moments of relative calm after they are over and I'm back in the rocking boat. Then I realize as I'm holding onto walls and chairs, hey, yesterday actually wasn't too bad. I was able to work without the washing machine in my head constantly running on spin cycle.

I don't know for sure if there is a geographical location that might have steadier air pressure, or if being in such a place will actually make a difference for my head, but the only way I will know is if I go look, as my intrepid housemate points out to me. E is undaunted by the challenges of nomadic living. I'm calling it car camping to lessen my fear. Moving at the speed of light, E sees the adventure in overcoming challenges. Life is a puzzle to be solved. Moving at the speed of an erratic heartbeat, I see only my own fears. Life is a spin cycle to be endured.

As my aging body is starting to betray me, I begin to understand why people resort to magical solutions for illnesses. Visualize perfect health! If a dose of licorice is good for what ails me, then certainly cutting that dose into a fraction of the original dose and putting it into a tiny white pill would have to have more power. Right? The remedy doesn't stand up to reason, but it is so tempting to believe in the miracle when a pushy naturopath is saying trust me, it works. (Curse you, Dr. Tony!)

It is so hard to think sometimes with this hissing snake in my ear. I wonder what it is trying to tell me. Probably something like give up, go back to bed. 

I am not a quitter. Maybe I hang on too long sometimes, clinging long past the sell-by date—jobs, relationships, cities, cars. It's what I do, I guess. Drive it all until it drops in a rusty heap. You can learn some interesting things about the power of stick-to-it-ness when you simply refuse to lay down and give up. I complain a lot, as you know. I'm chronically malcontented, after all. But I still get a lot done, for a self-professed pessimist, and I still keep showing up for life, acting as if I were an optimist. Sometimes it actually works. 

It's all about balance

I sense some sort of adventure is lurking over the horizon. Right now, I'm too tired to chase it, but I think it is close by. I hope once the iron pills kick in, I will have a little more ambition. And color. My friend S said I'm pale. I thought it was just my Zoom lighting. It's important to look good even if you don't feel good. I learned that from my father. Nobody cares how you feel, but everyone cares about how you look. Thanks for everything, Pop. I'd give you back your funky heart valve if I could.

Speaking of looking good, I'm glad my housemate is back, and I'm really glad E didn't have to witness my week of starvation prep for the procedure, now two weeks in my hindmost of rear view mirrors. Some things are better suffered in solitude, massive liquid diarrhea explosions being one of them. It wasn't just a wild goose chase up a colon with a camera. They did find something that might account for my iron anemia. Biopsies indicate it is something benevolent, but it's unclear what if anything comes next, besides take iron pills. 

The heart thing had me a little worried, I admit. However, after a chat with my primary care person, I've feel reassured I can live with this, whatever this is, at least for the immediate future. The cardiologist isn't precisely sure what he's working with (am I a two-leafer or a three-leafer? We need another test to tell for sure). That will happen in November. Another IV. Ho hum. 

In any case, I'm over it. All of it. I'm over everything. I just wish I could regain some equilibrium and get the hissing in my ear to stop, but maybe it's all just part of the new balancing act I'm being called to execute, now that I'm officially old. 

I've never been good at balancing. In high school we had to do a couple weeks of gymnastics, which included torture sessions on various intimidating pieces of equipment. The parallel bars, the horse thing, the mini-horse, what did we call that little thing, the Shetland pony? I can't remember. And of course, the balance beam. I was terrible at all of it. I had no strength, no grace, and most of all, no gumption. About all I could manage was a respectable handstand. I've never had any poise. From elementary school onward, gym class was endless humiliation and embarrassment. 

It hasn't improved with adulthood. I used to be able to run, well, jog, let's be clear. I was never a sprinter. I liked to think I had potential as a long distance runner, but I lacked discipline. I didn't care enough to train rigorously. I ran one marathon, slowly, and called it good. Now I can barely trot twenty yards before my heart is hammering and my lungs are wheezing. Maybe when the iron pills kick in . . . 

I'm dwelling on all this because I just had a birthday. Fall is a time of reflection, and having a fall birthday invites self-reflection. My self-reflection does not include mirrors but it does include a hefty dose of self-criticism. I am not used to thinking of myself as a sick person. Even though I have never been graceful (my sister was the ballet dancer and figure skater, not me. I played softball and volleyball), I never thought of myself as physically weak. Emotionally frayed, yes, but I could always throw a ball if I had to. Now I have to find a new equilibrium. I don't know how close I can get to the cliff edge before I fall into the abyss. I used to walk that cliff edge, metaphorically speaking. Now I can't see it because my eyes are filming over with cataracts. I can't hear the hiss of empty air over the hiss of my dysfunctional Eustachian tube. I can't even enjoy chewing my food from fear that osteoporosis and bisphosphonates have given me necrosis in my jaw. 

You are probably thinking, oh, what's the use? Why do we keep going when it is so obviously futile and fatal? Right, I get you. It's all about balance. When the heart isn't pounding, when my ear isn't crackling, when my eyes are closed, and I'm leaning securely against something so I won't fall over, I can feel the cold evening desert air coming in the bathroom window. Today it was so humid, I almost thought I could smell the ocean. 

You know what parts of the U.S. have the least amount of air pressure fluctuation? Along the southern coasts at sea level. Southern California, southern Florida. One of these days it will be time for a road trip. As soon as the iron pills kick in. 

Stuff piling up in the rear view mirror

I'm listening to some old Pablo Cruise on YouTube while I undertake another round of Swedish death cleaning. Today I packed up my collection of academic books into one small but heavy cardboard box. The music is making me sad. I'm remembering the 1970s. Love will find a way. Ha. Overly optimistic sentiment. I'm sad because in the 70s, I didn't know what I was capable of, good and bad. My brain was still forming. Now I look at these books on factor analysis and structural equation modeling and marvel that my brain was once capable of comprehending their content. I peaked in 2013. It's been a messy downhill slide ever since.

Lately I seem to dip in and out of jettison mode. Today this is what is on my mind. I had planned to write about my exciting adventure preparing for and undergoing an endoscopy and a colonoscopy (I got the twofer deal), but I'm over it. That is so last week. I can't find the energy to even think about it. Even though few things are funnier than having a camera rammed up one's butt, suffice it to say, I have nothing new to offer. Most of you have probably already had to suffer the indignity one or more times. All I can say is, thank God for my friend S and praise the Lord and pass the Propofol. Lying there trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, with a plastic gizmo holding my mouth open and my privates flapping in the wind, I was never so glad to exit stage right in all my life.  

So that's done. No polyps, no cancer, I got the ten year warranty, so this entire surreal experience is fast receding in the rear view mirror. I've already forgotten the week of starvation and the night spent scrolling through Instagram while parked on the toilet. It's all a hazy blur best left on the side of the road. 

Now that I'm eating food again, I have the luxury of resuming my anxiety about my heart. It keeps thumping and bumping along, but with the exception of the first few days of monitoring (during which I was starving), I actually feel pretty good. I don't have a lot of energy (iron anemia) but now that the colonoscopy is done, I can start taking the iron supplement. I hope that restores my superpowers. I am looking forward to channeling my inner Popeye. 

I'm chagrined that I still have so much to jettison. I dragged along pieces of my former lives with me when I moved to Tucson in 2021. My academic books. My art supplies. My sewing machine. Who do I think I am? A person who still knows how to do statistics? I think my editing days are over. My brain cells and my patience seems to have run out at the same time. It's time to say goodbye to the books (so much money spent on those books, argh). I will donate them to the library foundation. They were happy to receive my DVDs and music CDs. I fear their eyes will roll back in their heads when they see these obscure academic titles but who cares. With my donation, I amputate, exorcise, erase, I don't know what word to use, I release that part of me that is atrophied and useless. 

Same with the art supplies. I dismembered the three framed acrylic paintings I brought with me into their separate elements. The canvas will go out with tomorrow's trash, to start a new life in the landfill. The frames and the stretcher bars will find a home with some as-yet-to-be-discovered Freecycler, who will also be thrilled to receive an almost full pad of vintage newsprint, two (expensive) birch drawing boards, a dozen large tubes of (still good) acrylic paint, and fifty-plus artists brushes in all sizes and conditions. All the stuff I dragged with me from Portland, thinking I can't claim to be an artist without a box of art supplies. Ha. I still draw. I drew a picture today. There you see it, hot off the whatever you call lined paper in a composition notebook. I was sitting in a Zoom meeting, drawing while listening, channeling my inner curmudgeon, as is my wont.

My sewing machine will be the last to go. It's such a practical tool, unlike statistics books and art supplies. I might keep it for a while longer, at least until I decide to hit the road. Even then, I might pack it on the roof of my car, in one of those roof boxes. I might want to make car seats and curtains, who knows. With Popeyes on them. 

It's hard to let go of some of these things, not because they are intrinsically valuable but because of the parts of me they represented. I don't have those parts anymore. It's likely the statistician in me is gone for good. The artist in me has morphed into a writer-slash-illustrator or cartoonist, caricaturist? I don't know what to call myself. I'm still an artist. I'm just not a painter anymore. I had a gulp when I saw my easel go away, but ripping up my old paintings was surprisingly easy. I have photos.

So the question is, who am I now? I'm still figuring that out. My brain and body have changed. I'm no longer capable of doing some things. Maybe I can't do math anymore, or find the right words to describe what I am feeling. Maybe my writing is mundane and silly. Maybe my drawings are trivial and idiosyncratic. Maybe I only have the energy to putter slowly on a bike around the trailer park. It's okay. I can still make myself laugh with my stories. The jokes are for me. As long as I find joy in the creative process, I will keep creating. When it stops being fun, I will go do something else.

My heart is broken

How many times over the past couple years have I said "my heart is broken"? Haven't you? More times than we can count, probably. We've all had losses. My cat died at the beginning of the pandemic. I still haven't recovered, I doubt I ever will. Then Covid swept us under. So many people lost loved ones. Mom dodged Covid but died of an aneurysm in her upper GI tract almost a year to the day after Eddie died. Then wham bam, four months later, I find myself in Tucson, just in time for monsoon and wondering what the heck happened.

After a bizarre year at the Bat Cave, finally I come to rest here in the Trailer Del Arte. I thought, finally, a place to breathe, to catch my breath. A place to regroup and figure out what comes next. Not so fast, the Universe seems to be saying. This week I got the unsettling news that my heart really is broken. Not just emotionally and metaphorically, but also physically. 

WTF, Universe!? 

The "small murmur" turned into a rather alarming diagnosis of aortic stenosis. "Mild to moderate" calcification of the aortic valve. Better than "severe" I guess, but any amount is not good. Apparently my valve has an amount of calcification that would typically be seen in a person in their 70s or 80s. The question is, what type of valve do I have? Is it a two-leaf or a three-leaf? Nobody knows, which is why I have a referral for a CT scan. Lucky me. Ho hum. Another scan. 

Meanwhile, I am now the proud wearer of a little white box attached to the left side of my chest. It's about an inch and a half square and it sits in a blue plastic casing that is permanently attached to a piece of tape that is glued to my chest. Inside the piece of tape some electrodes are embedded. This strange limpet communicates with a slim shiny smartphone, which must be within thirty feet of the sensor at all times or it throws a hissy fit. The sensor communicates with the smartphone, and the smartphone transmits my EKG in real time 24/7 to some company somewhere, God only knows. Far as I know, there is no GPS, so I am not being tracked. Not that I'm going anywhere. 

So this thing has to cling to my chest for thirty days. I can shower with it on. Every few days or so, it needs recharging. I did that yesterday. It felt so good to peel that thing off me and get my skin back. I plugged the sensor into it's charger and waited for the light to turn from blinking amber to green. And waited. And waited. Finally I decided to plug it into the USB port on my computer. That seemed to do the trick. Then I had the fun of figuring out how to put on a new patch. The med aide put it on me at the doctor's office. She showed me the process but my audio memory, well, my memory in general, is not great. I have since referred to the instruction booklet multiple times to tell me what to do. 

The smartphone needs recharging every night. It wakes up randomly and beeps. The day after I had the device, an alert on the phone said it wasn't sending data and to call the 800 number. I called the 800 number and got a nice person who spoke excellent English and who told me how to fix it. Since then, the phone seems to be happy. I wear it strapped around my waist in a stretchy piece of cloth. Apparently the battery in the sensor will last longer if the phone is in close proximity. I feel like I'm carrying two electronic infants, one strapped to my waist and the other glued to my chest. Like Giga Pets, they need a lot of attention. 

Sorry if I'm boring you. It's easier to tell you about the details of the barnacle clinging to my chest than it is to describe the thoughts going through my head at the news that my heart doesn't work right anymore. This all happened very quickly. I'm still in shock and denial.

I admit, it did occur to me that I might have brought this on myself by all the times I moaned, "My heart is broken" over the past two years. What do they say, be careful what you wish for? No, that's not the adage I want. What you resist, persists? Um, no, that's not right. Something about if you say something, it will happen? I don't know. The assumption is that our minds have control over our bodies. That if we got cancer, we must have wanted to for some unknown reason. Some sort of cosmic lesson. 

Besides being colossally unhelpful and cruel, it is also not true that if we say something, it will happen. How many times over the years did I state an intention to lose a few pounds, or get more exercise, or turn my art into a business? Right. As if my mind had such power. I'd be thin, wealthy, and living in the Caribbean if simply visualizing my success means it is going to happen. It's the "do what you love and the money will follow" idea, which is the worst advice for artists ever given. 

Do I take the blame for my broken heart? You might say, well, Carol, weren't you raised on Wonder bread, Froot Loops, Crisco, hamburger patties, and canned green beans? As an adult, didn't you drink, didn't you smoke cigarettes, eat red meat and lots of saturated fat and processed foods? Yes to the first one, no to the second. I was vegetarian for a long time. I have never smoked cigarettes. I haven't had a drink in years. My worst vice is coffee. Black, no sugar.

Compared to many Americans, I eat a spartan diet. Maybe it was too spartan, who knows. I don't blame my environment so much as I blame my genes. The cardiologist asked me if I had kids. When I said no, he said that's good, because they would have the risk of the same problem. This is largely genetic. Maybe a defect that went unnoticed until now, I don't know. My father had a heart problem, not enough to keep him out of the military but it caught up to him eventually. By the time he was willing to do something about it, it was too late. He was too weak for heart surgery. He fell off the front porch and broke his hip, but it was his heart that killed him. 

Today I feel pretty good, given I've been on a starvation diet for three days in preparation for a colonoscopy tomorrow. I assume the technicians will read my chart and take all necessary precautions. It would be pretty embarrassing to have a heart attack while I've got a camera up my butt. 

Don't get up in my undercarriage

 

I have an ongoing quest to lighten my load. To that end, I have offloaded more kitchen stuff to my housemate. This trailer easily absorbed a microwave, a rice cooker, and a toaster oven. I brought the microwave from Portland. It was Mom's microwave, the one she had at the Cottage. It's got two dials and it dings. The rice cooker and the toaster oven I bought when I moved into the Bat Cave. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly start eating rice and toast. Probably for the same reason I thought I'd buy orange slacks and flowered shirts, now that I'm in the desert. As if moving would make me a different person. Nope. I still eat nuts and twigs. I still wear grungy pajamas. I've regressed to my personal mean. There's no budging me now.

I have a short stack of cardboard boxes ready to offload to the thrift store next week. I can't believe I'm still downsizing. On this round, I'm jettisoning some coffee cups. I only need one. I'm letting go of a clear glass dish good for baking banana bread, or meatloaf, if you are so inclined. I think it might have been Mom's. My old beat-up $20 blender is going. My little waffle iron, so long. The coffee grinder. I'm not buying beans anymore. I'm now mixing Sprouts French roast with Yuban. It's just a matter of time before I'm stirring instant coffee with a plastic spoon. 

I doubt I will miss any of it. If I haven't used the stuff in a year, it's unlikely I ever will. Besides the kitchen gear, I boxed up a couple desk lamps I bought when I moved here, when all my stuff was still in storage and I needed to have light in the Trailer. I'm letting go of my light therapy box. Brain fog is the least of my worries given my affliction with vertigo or whatever it is. The ENT doesn't think it is vertigo. It might have been at one time, but untreated, now it's disequilibrium stemming from vestibular migraines. She made up the diagnosis based on what is popular in the medical literature, I'm pretty sure. Vestibular migraines is all the range right now. Who cares? If it can't be measured, it's not really happening. Just stick a fork in it and call it done. 

I'm in a downsizing contest with myself, it seems. How little do I need to live? I remember reading about that guy who has all his possessions in a backpack, something like forty items. He showed a photo of them all spread out on a small picnic blanket. What he didn't talk much about is how he relied on the generosity of others in order to live. He could afford to mosey around without the basic accoutrements of American life because he was borrowing the accoutrements of others. 

What are the basic accoutrements? A bed, I suppose, or something to sleep on. I didn't see a bedroll or sleeping bag, so he must have been sleeping on other people's beds. Did he have a way to store and cook food? He had a dish and a spoon. That seemed overly optimistic. I didn't see a method to keep clean, a mechanism to handle waste. He had his feet for moving from here to there, but I seem to recall people gave him rides. You can get rides when you are a social media celebrity. And beds. And cooked food. I want to be a minimalist, not a moocher.

Did that guy feel as if he had a place to be? Was that one of his basic accoutrements? 

I guess that is the part I still find confounding, that place-to-be thing. Where does a person go when they have no place to go? My worst fear used to be that I would end up living in my parent's basement. Oh, how naïve. At that time, they had a very nice basement. I've lived in basements, they aren't so bad. I'd live in a basement now, here in Tucson, if anyone had such a thing, which they don't, because the entire city rests on top of caliche, which is cement, in case you didn't know (I didn't). Not many basements here. Or lawns, either. This is such a weird place. The sunsets are amazing, though.

With climate change shaking up the globe, it might make sense to be a nomad, if I can still buy food, water, and gasoline. No guarantees on any of that, but what is my alternative? I can't afford to buy a home, I can't afford to rent an apartment. When the next viral pandemic arrives and turns us all into mindless zombies, I guess I'll just go with the crowd. Why fight it? I might be able to outrun the plague if I'm mobile, assuming my car still runs and there's still electricity for pumping gas. Well, if it isn't the virus that takes me down, it will be a fire or a flood. Or maybe an old-fashioned boring car crash. They have a lot of those here in Tucson. 

I don't have a lot of years left in me, so I don't expect my suffering to last long. Besides, suffering is optional. So they say. 

Busy getting something done

Do I exist? I'm beginning to doubt my identity. Google certainly does, and I'm pretty sure Google runs the world, so it's no wonder I am starting to think I need a verification code every time I do something, just to make sure it's me doing it and not some hacker from Podunk. I blog every week, you'd think Google would catch on, but no, something shifted in the alignment of the planets and suddenly Google is asking me to verify my identity. Are you really who you say you are? Is anyone, really? How would you know? 

You might scoff but I don't take Google for granted. I've been locked out of two Google properties simply because I can't verify my identity. There's no reasoning with Google, because there is no one there at Google. The company consists of a bunch of bots, rolling up and down aisles night and day blowing dust off servers. You could go and knock on the door, but even if someone came to let you in, you'd still have to prove you are you. What do you mean you don't have that phone number anymore? Don't you know your phone number is more precious than your social security number? No, I didn't know that. Too late for me.

So now I question my existence.

When I used to teach business classes at a career college a long time ago, I ran across a concept that haunts me still: the idea of efficiency versus effectiveness. I think I was the only person really floored by the idea that I could appear to be super busy but never do anything worthwhile. 

I can spend my days doing the things on my calendar task list, showing up for appointments, fulfilling my volunteer service commitments, paying my bills, maintaining my body and my car . . . and the things I think are important don't get done because they don't make it onto my task list. It's an insidious form of self-sabotage, to avoid acknowledging that things I care about don't get the attention they deserve. Whatever they are, doesn't matter. Some things are hard to do, and so I avoid doing them. 

Some people are very effective. They use their time wisely, they manage their resources well, and they accomplish the tasks that are important to them. Other people are very busy getting nothing done. I think I'm somewhere in the middle, most of the time. I ponder this conundrum while I'm watching Facebook videos of baby sloths being rescued by kind humans and returned to their smiling sloth mothers. Baby deer stuck in a fence, rescued by kind human and his companions with smartphones. Baby monkey stuck in a pond. Baby elephant in a hole. Baby moose stuck in the rapids, heading over the falls, oh no. Facebook has my number, for sure. And how many of those videos were taken by humans who created the dire situation and then filmed themselves coming to the rescue? Oh, cynical me. 

I was thinking today as I was riding my bike around the mobile home park in the dark that it really doesn't matter what I do, or if I do anything at all. Effective or efficient, who cares? Nobody cares. I'm not being tested. I'm not being surveilled. Nobody is counting the diminishing words in my vocabulary and going, she lost ten more words this week, assisted living, here she comes. It's kind of a relief to realize as long as I pay my bills, nobody will chastise me if I choose to do nothing. 

It's called retirement, I guess. I've been retired in my mind my entire life. I was born retired. That is, I was born believing I should be allowed to do what I want whenever I want, and that includes the privilege of doing nothing at all. You can imagine how well that has worked out. 

The sunset tonight was astounding. Wish you were here, Mom. 

Chasing the filthy lucre

I finally did it. After two-plus years, I initiated the firing sequence (two negative Covid self-tests) and launched myself back into community. I'm (sort of) proud (but mostly shocked) to announce I mingled unmasked with a group of humans in an indoor setting for a two-hour event. I can't believe I did it, and I hope I don't regret it. 

On a mild morning this week, I drove up the winding road to an art gallery-slash-gift shop in an upscale mall in the Catalina Foothills. (Now that I've moved to the Trailer, I can claim I live Catalina Foothills adjacent. Look at me go, I've been here just over a year and already I'm a snob.) I had expected to wear my mask, as I always do in an indoor setting. However, nobody else was wearing a mask when I arrived. After seeing that, my higher reasoning faculties shut down, and I caved to peer pressure. Nobody said anything. I just folded. It is embarrassing and humbling to admit how little spine I really have. 

Maybe if I hadn't been the star of the show, I would have had more gumption. As an audience member, I'm good at hiding out in the last row. I could have quite happily hid behind my N95, no problem. However, I was at the art gallery to share with the gallery membership the knowledge and experience I've accumulated as a mentor to artists who think it would be jolly good fun to turn their art into a money-churning cash cow. In other words, I was there to give a lecture on business plans. Whoa, did you feel that breeze? That was your brain checking out for a second. I know. It happens to me too. Art and business? Wha—? 

Seems like we don't really hear of those two things being discussed in the same sentence, do we? At least, not in the real world, and by real, I mean like, actual reality, not the magical world of marketing that makes billions of dollars persuading artists they can become rich and famous without dying first. Art and business hook up in the business world, but not in the art world. MFA students aren't taught how to register as an LLC and get their marketing plans ready. Budding artists are told their art is not a commodity. It's something unique and special. In fact, to call art a product is a deadly insult to some artists. To call their art anything less than fine is fighting words. Don't you dare use the word artisan. Craftsperson. One step away from hack. 

Whatever. Artists love to hear about the joy of delivering their art to the art-hungry world. As soon as I mention the words sales tax or LLC, they all but run screaming into the night. In fact, only one person in my audience of a dozen or so wannabe artist-turned-millionaires was wearing a mask, so I could see the exact moment when their brains turned up their little cerebellar toes and said nope, not for me, I'm outa here. 

As usual, each artist in my crowd was at a different stage in their career. No way was I able to address all their needs. It's dumb to try and yet I keep trying. Isn't that the very definition of insanity? Well, no big epiphany there. Still, I did my best to be informative, pleasant, and engaging, even as they one by one got right into my personal space and breathed all over me. I didn't shake any hands and nobody touched me, I don't think, probably because I am a stinky mess, having forgotten how to groom. I've lost the art of caring about how I look. Or smell, apparently. Clearly, I've been alone and sweating in the desert for too long. But I wasn't stinky enough, apparently. They still got too damn close. 

I delivered my dog-and-pony show, and when it was over, I helped schlep the chairs back into the storage room and stack them in neat vertical piles, ready for next month's members' meeting, because my mission in life is to be useful, even if it kills me. I am not a member of this gallery, in case you are wondering, nor do I plan to be, even though as a creative knucklehead, I would fit right in. The idea of immersing myself into the bubbling angst of artists struggling to retain a shred of their creative souls as they troll the world of commerce for enough filthy lucre to pay their rent is too much for this introvert. 

Every conversation I have with artists these days starts the same way: I want to make money selling my art. After a while, I want to scream. With laughter, of course. I think I've been alone too long.

Landing peanut butter-side up

I’m embarrassed to report, life is looking up for the Chronic Malcontent. Thanks, I'm happy, too. It’s a healthy indicator of my mental state that I’m not so attached to my persona as a morose wack-job that I can’t acknowledge that even though bad things can happen, good things can also happen, even to me. Ha. See how self-obsessed I am? Even in my moroseness, I can still make everything about me.

I closed out the lease at the Bat Cave a few days ago. After all the angst about hiring a “professional cleaner” in order to abide by the terms of my lease, I found out the cost of such a cleaner would be more than the amount of my security deposit. At that point, I surrendered that deposit to the Universe. I was willing to let it go. Sunk costs are not worth whining about. Gone, soon to be forgotten, moving on. 

Well, as sometimes happens (even to me), the Universe said, I know you are attached to your pessimism, but here, take this security deposit refund as a token reminder of the Universe’s neutrality in all things. I received an (automated) email from the property management company stating that I would be receiving my entire security deposit in the mail (someday). I’ll believe it when it’s in the bank, but still, it’s a nice testament to the power of detachment. I don’t care if it ever comes. My well-being is no longer dependent on that property management company, may it rest in pieces at the bottom of a deep black pit.

Creativity has a chance to grow in this new place, even though it’s a mobile home, excuse me, manufactured home. Or maybe because of it, who knows. There’s something strangely energizing about living in something that is always on the verge of getting up and going. It mirrors my own existence. I haven’t seen the underpinnings of this building—and I use the term “building” very loosely—so I don’t know if wheels still exist in the "basement." But, I also don’t know that they don’t. Therein lies the joy of uncertainty. The cat might be dead. But then again, the cat might be very much alive and chilling.

I closed my account with the power company, and it seems to have worked. I paid my final bill. I returned the modem rented from the internet cable company and might receive a refund someday, although again, I haven’t seen it yet, so who knows. I don’t chase money. At least, not small amounts like that, not worth the angst. I know some people sniff after every penny in every crack in the couch but that is not me, not anymore. If the Universe wants me to have money, it is going to have to shove it someplace where I’ll be sure to notice it, otherwise I’m moving on.

Speaking of noticing things, this week I’ve been noticing headlines.

Funniest headline: Is it raining diamonds on Uranus?

Most relevant headline (to me): It is possible to land peanut butter-side up

Saddest headline: I can’t remember the last time I had fun.

I haven’t seen any no-see-ums, for obvious reasons, but I still bear their scars on my hands. I haven’t seen any javelinas lately, babies or parents, just lots of lizards, many flat, as I mentioned last week. Could be because the heat is back. Monsoon might be done for the year. The Rillito River has resumed its alter ego as a dry riverbed filled with decrepit trees, green but leaning westward like drunken soldiers from being bashed by the westward-flowing monsoon floodwaters. Last night I walked along the bike path that parallels the River and watched a man with two big dogs walking in the river sand. I wondered what that would feel like. It’s not every day you get to walk in a dry riverbed. Well, I guess soon we’ll all have the opportunity to enjoy walking where water once flowed. Except along the oceans, where we will be rowing boats where there used to be dry land. What the heck? I’m glad I’ll be dead before the worst happens. I've seen enough climate change for one sad lifetime.

Meanwhile, the question, as always, is this: how do we want to live until the moment comes when we die? Often I have chosen self-pity as my preferred mode of living. The saddest headline above was not written by me, but it could have been at one time. Not anymore. I have a lot of fun, according to my rather unique definition of fun. My idea of fun is probably not yours, just in case you wanted to invite me over for bingo and ice cream. Save your breath.

I could rewrite the headline to I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation. One of my friends is in Norway right now. One friend is in Paris. I might have to do something about my stay-putted-ness one of these days. It’s possible a road trip is in my future. I have no specific plans yet. But I need to see what is out there. Don’t worry, I won’t go far, not much beyond the Moon or Mars, probably. But you never know.

The unbearable flatness of a hapless desert lizard

Somewhere between last week and this week, I got fed up with suffering and decided to stop. I gave up bemoaning the vertigo. Instead, I'm embracing my burgeoning skills as a meteorologist (although I'm not sure how useful it is to know if the air pressure is rising or falling). This week, I got tired of thinking about my frailties and started focusing on the present conundrum, which is trying to decide if I am plotting or pantsing my latest novel. Best of all, I turned a corner on the existential belongingness problem. At one point this week, I woke up to the realization that if I have no destination, then I can never be lost. 

You might think it sounds like I've given into despair and apathy. The truth is, I actually feel pretty good, considering the uncertainty of my life, which you know has been my nemesis for a while. (I even had to write a book about it.) I think the magic remedy for me has been resuming my walks and bike rides. Even though it is still close to 100°F at sunset, it's great to be out of the Trailer, listening to the birds, feeling the stifling air on my face, and waving at the old farts, excuse me, Over-55s, sitting on their verandas. 

So here I am, making peace with Tucson. I've got one toe still in the Bat Cave and nine toes in the Art Trailer. That is what I'm calling it. Or maybe the Trailer of Creativity. Trailer of the Creative Minds. (I know, I know, it's not really a trailer. It's a manufactured home.) Next week I'll check my Bat Cave mailbox, flush my Bat Cave toilet one last time, and turn in my Bat Cave keys. The end of an era. Or as my sister says, the end of a chapter. The story continues.

I'm glad to trade the bugs and bullets for javelinas and lizards. I haven't seen the javelinas this week, but the lizards are everywhere, all shapes and sizes, skittering hither and thither on the hot asphalt roads of the mobile home park. (I'd call it the Village if that name didn't remind me so much of The Prisoner and that terrifying marshmallow Rover that swallowed people from time to time.) Given the fact of lizard season and the number of vehicles in the Park, it's not surprising that as I take my evening walks or bike rides, I see some lizards that are flat. They weren't born flat. They got that way because of an error in judgment on their part. It's usually the little ones. They get excited, I'm guessing, when a big warm car comes rolling by and they lose their minds. Even with tires moving at 10 mph (the posted speed limit in the Park), one wrong move and splat. I've thought about taking photos of the flat ones. They remind me of that book about pressed fairies that was popular for a short time in the 1980s. One of my fears is that I will find one of these little guys squashed on one of my tires. Ew. On the downside, it's sad some of these flat lizards get creamed. Their live brethren are pretty cute. On the upside, if I do want to snap a photo, they hold still quite nicely. Unlike the sunsets, which don't hold still for anyone.

Ho hum, another gorgeous sunset in the desert

I don't have much to report this week. Here's a quick follow-up to the ENT appointment from last week. I know you are following the story closely. There is no surefire remedy for the malady, as I anticipated. However, she did offer me something. Can you guess what it was? I wasn't far off the mark. It's the hygienic equivalent of a pencil in my ear! You heard it right (ha). She offered to poke a hole in my ear drum to equalize the pressure.

"It probably won't work," she said. "It will hurt like hell. And insurance won't pay for it."

I said, "Well, when you put it like that . . . "

She booked me for another follow-up in six months, no idea why. Meanwhile, my ears keep on rolling and hissing, sometimes more, sometimes less. For the past couple days, the incline in air pressure has been gradual, more like Portland's graph. My head has been relatively calm. Earlier today, the altimeter hit a peak at 30.13, and now it is dropping again, a little more abruptly than it rose. That means two things. My head is reeling, and rain is coming. How about that! I can predict the weather (for the local area). Very handy talent to have. I probably missed my calling as a meteorologist. Well, I've missed multiple callings over the years. They called. I did not answer. I was hot in pursuit of other pursuits.

Now that I'm back in the Trailer, I am trying to be more active. Sometimes I ride my bike around the mobile home park. Sometimes I walk. Whatever mode I choose, I have found it is best to keep moving. If I stay still, I'm eaten alive by no-see-ums. I hope they are nearing the end of their life cycle for this season, although I fear as long as it is raining, they will keep on hatching. They don't go far from the river, but they go far enough to find me, tasty morsel with uncovered hands and forearms. If I go out while the sun is still up, I bake. If I wait until the sun goes down, I'm eaten. 

It's critter season here at the Park. The human residents I encounter on my evening sojourns often get this funny look on their faces when I get close. That is how I know something is up. Last night a tall old man with a well-trimmed white beard stared at me. I took my earbuds out of my ears to hear what he might say. Good evening? How's it going? Lovely sunset? No, none of those. 

"There's a big javelina roaming around this intersection," he said, pointing toward my street. "Be careful."

People here are obsessed with javelinas, large and small. They are interesting animals, if you like weird pig-like creatures that smell like skunk. They aren't pigs, though, in case you are thinking javvie on the barbie. I don't know what they taste like. I don't eat meat, javelina or otherwise, but you are welcome to try it. They might be easy to catch, if you can dodge the tusks. I hear they don't see well. They hear well but have poor eyesight, I mean. I have neither good hearing nor good eyesight. However, I have the superior intellect. Except with my earbuds in, while I'm listening to oldies on my mp3 player. Then I'm pretty much too stupid to live.

The sunsets here are stunning. Even my sister thinks so. She's a connoisseur of all things cool and beautiful, and she expressed amazement at some of the photos I sent her. The colors are rich and deep. But you have to act fast if you want to capture them. They disappear into gray very quickly. I'm not amazed at the sunsets anymore, ho hum, but it still catches me off guard that the sunset comes so quickly, followed soon after by solid dark. When I say solid dark, I mean pitch black. Except for a few streetlights, the mobile home park is a dark place. If I weren't avoiding no-see-ums and javelinas I would probably spend more time standing out in the street staring up at the stars. 

I do not heart monsoon

It has become very clear to me that my inner ears march to the unseen unheard drumbeat of fluctuations in air pressure. I am a creature of the weather. I did not anticipate this problem before moving to the desert. In fact, I didn't know what monsoon meant, except in a general way, like a whole lot of rain dumping all at once. It is that, and more. Sometimes monsoon is exciting. When the lightning gets going, it's really quite festive, in an electrifying sort of way. Not a good time to be out riding a bike, but there's nothing like a clap of thunder overhead to elevate the heart rate and make you feel alive. Sometimes in the desert, it's hard to tell. Siestas exist for a reason.

The air pressure graph for Tucson is a series of jagged peaks and valleys. No smooth transitions here, no gentle slopes signaling the serene passing of highs and lows. The line is either shooting to the top of the scale or plunging to the bottom, no refreshing pauses in between. My ears never have a chance to catch up. The bucket of mucky goo in my ears is constantly on the move. And being a human, I'm constantly on the move too, at least when I'm not laying prone on my bed with a pillow over my head, trying to block out the crackling and hissing in my right ear. It's very hard to hold completely still. Have you tried it? Sooner or later you have to breathe. Monsoon sucks.

Last February, I visited an ENT doctor. I was coming off two weeks of relatively stable air pressure, feeling fine to the point of ebullience. She couldn't do much for me but clean the wax out of my ears and set me up for a follow-up appointment in six months. During monsoon. If vertigo was going to return, she said, now would be the time. 

Well, here we are. The afternoon I saw her, it started raining. My vertigo returned the next day and it hasn't let up for more than a day here or there since. Now it's August. Monsoon is in full swing, and the bucket in my head is sloshing constantly. Unless the ENT is a weather god, there is nothing she will be able to do. Can she control air pressure? I'm predicting she will tell me I have vestibular migraine and I should stop drinking coffee. I wonder what she would say if I came to the appointment with a pencil jammed in my ear. She seemed like a pretty cool cookie. She probably wouldn't bat an eye. She's probably seen it all, here in the desert during monsoon.

Enjoying the storm

Once again, I have lifted and transported every possession I own. This week was spent vacating the Bat Cave and invading the Trailer. Well, one room in the Trailer. My presence is limited but profound. From long experience, I know how to fully inhabit small spaces. I once lived in a ten by ten square foot storefront in Santa Monica. The bathroom was two doors down the street, in a dark courtyard. Ah, those were the days. 

These days are different. With shelves, you can store a lot of boxes. Too many boxes. Even after all the downsizing of the past two years, I still have too much stuff. Maybe not the typical possessions, though. No couch, no easy chair. No dining room table. I built a platform for my bed, but I wouldn't classify that as furniture. I don't have many dishes, just a couple bowls and some coffee cups. I have Mom's microwave and a dinky toaster oven I used to toast almonds. I have hardly any clothes, because who cares how I look, not me. But I have Mom's old TV, on which I get like five channels. Yay. 

What am I dragging around with me? Shelves, for one thing. Wooden ones I built myself and wire racks I bought after I got to Tucson. What is on those shelves? Thanks for asking. The dregs of my creative life. Two flat plastic bins of art supplies. My crummy Singer sewing machine and a box of notions and patterns. A box of methodology books left over from my grad school days. Some office supplies, because who knows when you might need a lime green #10 envelope. Two big plastic bins of travel gear, collected toward the day when I finally make good on my promise of going car camping. 

Compared to the average American, if there is such a person, I don't have much stuff. But packing, lifting, schlepping, unpacking, and organizing the possessions I do have has just about ruined me. I am very tired.

So, to celebrate, I pumped up my bike tires and went for my first bike ride around the mobile home park in some months. 

Monsoon is trying to happen here in the city but it's been hit or miss this year, especially compared to last year, 2021, the third wettest monsoon on record. Morning skies are clear. In mid-afternoon, the clouds start boiling up to the south. If the wind starts kicking up, I know there might be a chance for rain. Last night around midnight a thunderstorm rolled over us. We got a little rain, not the downpour I remember from last year. 

Tonight clouds ringed the mobile home park in three directions. The only sky showing was to the west, where the sun hung just above the horizon. The rest of the sky was a mashup of bubbling white clouds, gray puffy clouds, and flat black, against which lightning streaked earthward from time to time. The rumbles of thunder were far away. I figured I was safe. So I rode my bike up to my friend's Bill's house. Is that what I named him? I can't remember. He's the one who gave me the bike last summer, in his quest to rid his mobile home of his dead wife's lingering presence. I have her bike, which she rarely rode, and her Persian rug runner, which she hated (and I love). 

Bill was glad to see me. He got his bike out of his shed, and off we went into the stifling hot gloaming. 

Did I mention Bill is 83? Bill is a tall man, but he's built like a stick. A strong gust would blow him into the next county. As I watched him repeatedly ride his bike into the curb, I asked him if he ever wore a bike helmet. He said no, but he'd thought about it. He said something I interpreted as "sh-t happens."

Well, he was right. Sh-t happens. At the end of our ride, when it was almost full dark, we returned to his trailer. He tried to ride across his white gravel lawn, bogged his front tire in the rocks, and fell over in a heap on the asphalt. 

I dropped my bike and ran over to help, praying nothing was broken. Neither one of us wore a helmet. I feared the worst. He waved his arms and legs like a bug for a moment, and then rolled over on his knees. I helped him stand up. His arms were shaking. He wobbled for a moment as we took stock. His elbow was skinned and a little bloody. His legs looked bruised, but I think those were previous injuries. 

I suggested he go inside and clean up his wound. Instead, he told me a story about what happened the day after his second Covid shot (he fainted). He told me the best remedy for a skin wound is a thin layer of Vaseline. Then he invited me to come with him to the Air Force base commissary, where I could shop and he would pay for stuff.

I pointed at his door and told him to go inside. For a brief moment, I considered going in with him, but I had already promised myself I would stay outside. I had my mask, but the inside of Bill's trailer smells like a bottle of Downey fabric softener. In other words, like a peculiarly fresh hell. 

Finally, Bill went inside. I rode back to the Trailer in the dark. I'm guessing Bill will be sore tomorrow, if he doesn't die of a blood clot or brain injury in his sleep tonight. 

All the windows in the Trailer are closed tight and covered with blinds to keep in the AC and block out the heat and sun. I can't see a thing outside. I'm back in a cave, looks like. I can hear, though. Thunder is rumbling as I write this. Usually the storms roll up from the south, curling around the left side of the high pressure bubble over the four corners. Last night I sat on a tall chair in my new bathroom, looking out the window at the lightshow. It was too loud to sleep. Tonight the radar shows the storms rolling down from the northwest, over the Catalinas. I heard rain briefly, just a light shower. It's still 95°F outside, too hot to open the window. 

Five minutes later, now it's pouring. NWS says the temperature has dropped to 84°F. Time to open my bathroom window and enjoy the storm.