Weirdos on the road

Mike (not his real name) is a flabby grizzled aging man with no front teeth and a cute roly-poly dog named Roxie. I met Mike and Roxie this morning at Buffalo Park. He's parked his 26-foot Class C RV in the gravel strip outside the main parking lot for the past month or so. I don't know if he ever leaves, because I come and go. Everytime I've been to the park, he's been there. 

Today as I was changing out of my walking shoes into my sandals, I saw him pull out a doormat and a folding chair. He placed them outside the open side door, took off his shirt, displaying flab and a drooping chest, and sat in the chair, soaking up some nice healthy high-index UV rays. Rock music blasted from somewhere inside. A short-legged fat brown dog laid down on the rug beside him.

Pretty soon, his dog got a stick from inside the RV and begged him to throw it. Because I was parked just a few yards away, I went over to say hello to his dog. That's when he told me his dog's name was Roxie. 

Roxie brought the stick to me to throw. I did my best and ended up almost putting Mike's eye out. Good thing he caught it. I was never much good at softball, although we won City Champs when I was in seventh grade, no thanks to me.

Anyway, Mike obviously hadn't spoken to anyone in a while. I recognized the symptoms of social isolation, because I feel them myself. Even though it soon became obvious that Mike was a jerk and a crook, I still enjoyed the interchange. I kept listening, and he kept talking while we took turns throwing the stick for Roxie. 

Married with kids, divorced from his addict wife, who got cancer and died two months later, after he'd had to sell his house and all his toys. Camarillo, CA, I think he said, even though he has Georgia plates on his RV. 

"I used to be a landscaper and an electrician until 2008, when all the work dried up and I got behind in my bills."

I made some sympathetic noises. 

"I had the best front yard in the neighborhood. I designed and landscaped it all myself. I paid for it by padding my clients invoices. I had a smart taxman. You can get away with anything if you put your mind to it."

I felt compelled to respond with some inanity about living with myself at the end of the day. He displayed no chagrin.

"Where you going next?" I asked.

"Back to Georgia to help someone with some work, and then I think I'll head back to California. After that, Idaho. I want to do some fishing."

I thought to myself, wow, a true nomad. 

"I'd really like to meet a woman," he said, "but all the ones I meet just want to know how much you make, what you got. Nowadays, instead of asking what you like to do, you ask, how many prescriptions pills do you take, what ailments do you have. I met a couple cougars. They just wanted to know how much I was worth."

I clucked my tongue in sympathy. "Have you ever been to Quartzsite in the winter?"

"To the swap meet?"

"Yeah, and to the Rubber Tramp Rendezvous. You might meet a nice nomad woman there. Kindred spirits and all that."

He looked interested. 

After 15 minutes, I was feeling the heat. The clouds had moved aside, and relentless sun was blazing on my neck. I checked my watch. The mall opened at 11:00 a.m.  

Clouds have persisted the past couple days, which means solar has been iffy. I left the forest this morning to charge up the power station that runs my fridge. Now I'm at my favorite table in the mall, watching parents stroll past with their manic children and listening to old pop music echoing in the rafters. Not old by my standards. Depeche Mode seems like just yesterday.

I need some road friends. I'm sure there are some non-weirdo nomads out there on the road. Creative people who aren't jerks or crooks. I'm trying to be more outgoing. I'll sift big timber until I find them.

Sketchy isn't as fun as it sounds

This should be interesting. I didn't bring my keyboard into the mall with me today, so I'm typing on the virtual keyboard that comes built into the tablet. This will probably be a short post today. I'll be lucky to post something before I throw this oversized toy phone across the tile floor. I'm sure it will skid a long way, maybe all the way into the Artists Coalition of Flagstaff. Maybe it will wake up the dozing artist putting in his monthly hours on a quiet Sunday morning.

Rain is expected sometime this afternoon. Rather than run the risk of getting trapped by muddy roads, I'm staying at the few places I've identified in town that seem safe for nomads to park overnight. There are many of us, but we are barely tolerated by the locals. Walmart and Home Depot have been burned too many times, judging by the adamant no overnight parking signs on every pole. That leaves Cracker Barrel and a parking area by Buffalo Park.

I went exploring a possible camping road this morning. I'd seen many large motorhomes and trailers parked across a big dry lake from the road I take to get to a camping area I like. I figured if they could get over there, I could. I found the road, but as I drove slowly over washboard gravel, I saw no open spaces that were level enough for my car. The further I explored the road, the sketchier the area seemed. Some of the campers looked like they had been there a long time. You can tell by how many tents and canopies they've erected. Not to mention all the trash.

The volatile weather is wreaking havoc on my vestibular system. Sometimes I feel like my eyes are spinning in my eye sockets. That would be something to see, I guess. Maybe I could get up a webcam and start a YouTube channel. Maybe I could join a circus. Maybe I could say I've been touched by the holy spirit and join a convent. Next thing you know, I'll be writhing on the floor and speaking in tongues. I'm not sure what all that means, but it sounds entertaining.

Are you keeping count of my typos? Good. 

Normalizing the nomadic lifestyle

Spring in Portland is an on-again off-again phenomenon. Now you see it, now you don't. Now it's sunny, oops, now it's raining. A couple nights ago I parked in a great spot under a tree. Wind came up overnight. Around midnight I heard a monstrous din on the roof of my car. Bam! The roof rack rang like the Liberty Bell. I lay awake wondering if the tree was going to fall on my car and crush me into my foam mattress. 

In the morning, I discovered a pine cone on the roof, and not a big one. Maybe there were more pinecones, maybe even a small branch that flew off when I drove to the park to make coffee. Wind, is what I'm saying. Sun, rain, wind . . . This is spring in Portland.

I grew up in it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. The weather was the main reason I moved to Tucson. The weather in Tucson is the main reason I'm back in Portland. You see how this works? No place is perfect. I'd have to be driving all the time to stay in good weather. Spring just sucks, no matter which way you look at it. Sure, it's a welcome respite from winter, but the volatility of spring is hard for me. My head won't settle.

Volatility seems to be the theme of the week. The weather, my head, the stock market . . . Ho, hum, who cares about money, la la la. Nothing I can do about it, and we shouldn't trouble our heads over it anyway. Best to leave it to the experts who obviously know better. 

Speaking of knowing better, some of my family members apparently blame me for the housing shortage. I don't know why they give me so much credit. I'm not a land developer. I've never owned anything but a series of used cars. Not a house, not a condo, not even a shed. As far as housing goes, I tend to think of myself as powerless over supply and demand. 

I know I'm in the doghouse with my family member when I text a picture of a walking path in the Sandy River Delta and they write back, "Playing tourist?" What do I do with that? Almost every text I send receives a reply ending in "Any leads on housing?" I understand my family member is concerned, and I'm trying to have empathy for their fear. But sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I'm done trying to live my life so they don't have to be afraid.

I know I've said this before. 

Speaking of getting old, I went hiking in a nature park I love and dropped my straw hat. A friend phoned me while I was walking, and as we were talking, the sun came out, and I realized my hat had departed my pocket. I retraced my steps, holding the phone over my head when I went into hollows and behind hills. Eventually I'd walked the entire route twice. I headed back to the parking lot. Some kind soul had found my hat and left it on a rock where I would see it. I probably dropped it the moment I left the restroom. 

I knew the hat would return to me. So many things do. But sometimes the Universe decides someone else needs the item more than I do, no matter how much I cherish it. Every time I walk away from my car, I prepare myself for the possibility that it won't be there when I get back.

The reason I mentioned the dropped hat is because when my mother was alive, I learned to follow one step behind her so I could retrieve the things she dropped. Used tissues, of course, but also sunglasses, hats, gloves, scarves, cigarette lighters, and cigarette pouches. Purses. Those little dealies that can hold a pack of cigarettes. I was grateful that someone put my hat where I could find it. And I still feel chagrin that I dropped it in the first place.

On the bright side, I got double my steps in that day. 

I often wonder what I did to create this strange situation. I don't feel responsible for the lack of affordable housing. I know many seniors are in the same boat. Car, I mean. I wonder if I should seek a communal housing situation, maybe a big house of five other women. We'd share a couple bathrooms, share the cooking and cleaning, maybe give each other rides places, and watch old movies together. 

If that sounds like fun to you, you are not like me. To me, that sounds like utter hell. Even one roommate was too much for me. When I imagine the amount of time and energy it would take to find and maintain that type of housing situation, I am more certain than ever that being a nomad (i.e., living in this car) is the right choice for me.

Maybe someday I will stop feeling ashamed and talk about this as if it were a normal lifestyle. Maybe if more people knew that old ladies were living in their cars because the rent is too damn high, the Section 8 lists are closed, and the only way to get an apartment in senior housing is for someone to die, well, maybe then society would see that there are many ways to survive and even thrive while living an alternative lifestyle. 

Meanwhile, I skulk around the streets, troll for parking places, and wait for my appointment at the DMV. Once that happens, I can get my car registered and plated and get the heck out of Dodge. Well, I drive a Dodge, so I don't mean that literally. It's a figure of speech. You know what I mean.

On my way to hell in a handbasket. See you there.

A tirade for the end of the world

Like most people around the world, I have a hill of beans in front of me. Individually, each one of our little pinto bean molehills is not all that impressive. It's traumatic to us to see our pile of beans, but in the big scheme of things, our beans don't add up to much. Collectively, however, suddenly there is a mountain range bursting up out of the ground. It wasn't there a few months ago. What the heck? Some people are now saying, well, I warned you. We saw that mountain range coming years ago. Others are saying, what mountain range? Isn't it lucky I hate eggs?

I've grown to hate eggs, too, but that isn't the point of my beanhill tirade. The point is, collectively, humans are really stupid. For example, take Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. Now we have enough evidence to say, well, duh. However, despite ample evidence that humans have wrecked the planet, some of us will claim hoax right up until the moment the polluted air chokes them into silence. 

I heard this quote today (I know, I'm only a century late to the party): "Democracy is the theory that the people know what they want, and they deserve to get it good and hard" (H.L. Mencken, 1916). This quote made me snicker. "Good and hard" is always a funny phrase. "Deserve to get it" says to me be careful what you wish for and you don't always get what you want but you get what you deserve. As a retired idealist, I align myself with the optimistic view that the earth will be just fine without us. All of us.

My rant was inspired by a realization that for once did not flee my brain after it entered, probably because I've had this realization so many times over the years that it's worn deep trail ruts in my gray matter. You could call it the Oregon Trail of realizations. It started in Oregon, so that metaphor works on two levels. 

I came from Oregon Trail people. Pioneers who put their houses in covered wagons and set off across the country to brave the great unknown, searching for land they could take from whoever was there before them. They left Missouri, crossed the Plains, killing whatever they could along the way, and ended up in the fertile Willamette Valley, where they got busy tearing up trees, building farms, and killing Native Americans. It's a time-tested method that not everyone is on board with, but as long as you are White and male, it's grand.

I did a version of that as I grew up. I set off into the great unknown of young adulthood, mowing down anyone who said no, you will never make a living as an artist, and moved into other people's territories to exploit their natural resources in my quest to prove my parents wrong. In my secret heart chamber, buried deep under layers of arrogance and self-will, I knew that everything I did was going to end in disaster. What did disaster mean to my 21-year-old self? No clue. Don't remember. 

I do remember seeing a commercial on TV showing a happy man riding a bicycle with a little house on the back. The tall wooden box must have been no bigger than an outhouse, and maybe that's what it was, I don't remember. It seems to me he was wearing pinstripe trousers and a cut-away jacket, quite a dapper dude. No idea what the ad was selling. I was enamored with the idea of carrying your house on your back. Self-sufficiency to the max, no need to rely on anyone, as you explore what it means to have total freedom. As if having an outhouse on the back of your bike would lead to freedom. Ha.

You get where I'm going with this. I've always liked the idea of the self-sufficient mobile lifestyle, and I always knew that the settle-down-and-get-married life was not going to be for me. So, in a way, you could say living in my car was always going to be my destiny.

The other half of this prediction, though, stems from my relentless compulsion to fit in, to do it right, to play the game, even if it meant giving up my creativity, identity, and freedom. Hence, turning from painting to commercial art and graphic design. Turning from fashion design to sewing clothes for people. Turning from failing at business to getting a business admin degree (so I could figure out how to do it right). And then falling into teaching, and choosing to pursue a Phd in business admin so I could be more "marketable" to my employer, who laid me off six months before I graduated. I can keep going. Using my Phd to become an academic editor and a dime-a-dozen adjunct faculty at a for-profit higher education institution not unlike the ones I criticized in my dissertation. 

I'm like a moth who keeps returning to the stupid flame of societal approval, seeking warmth and light and repeatedly getting singed. 

I hear you muttering, Wow, that's so bleak, does she hear herself? I hear myself, and I hear you, too, thanks for caring. I invite you to worry about your own little molehill of beans. If you turn your back for too long, it could become a mountain range. A lot harder to make into frijoles.

You could say I've given up and I don't care about anything anymore, but you would be wrong. 

The only thing I've given up is the quest to mold myself into something I am not, never was, never could be. It may have taken becoming homeless to finally be my true self, but here I am, sitting in my car in a patch of desert outside Marana, Arizona, expressing myself to my endless patient therapist, Google Blogger. The sunset was spectacular.  

I think I have one blog reader left. Bless you, Bravadita. I started this blog in 2012 when I was struggling to get my dissertation proposal approved. I was a flaming bag of rage. Then the teaching job ended. Then Mom took over my life. Then Mom ended. Then I ended up in Arizona, which might be the end of me if I stay here one more summer. 

One thing I know about myself now: I am not a quitter. This blog is proof that even when I'm cranky, I can fake it, I have faked it, and I'm still faking it. 

For example, I show up for my mentoring gig, even though the chances that the artists I mentor are going to make a living selling their art are worse than their odds of winning the lottery. I don't tell them to go get a job, and I mean, a real job, one that pays them benefits and a pension so they will have something to live on when they get to be my age and they can't walk anymore because they need two hip replacements. I show up for my faculty job, offering encouragement to business people who don't care about extending theory, about adding to the vast body of human knowledge, about proper citation format, or locating robust sources. They couldn't care less. They just want to get the degree in the shortest amount of time possible as cheaply as possible so they can get that job, that promotion, that accolade, and walk in the procession wearing the stupid beret with the velvet-trimmed robe they won't bother to iron. 

Hey, maybe this is Keppra rage finally kicking in! If it is, I kind of like it. 

The truth is, if you know me, you know I care deeply about people, about life, about justice, equality, and mercy. Despite my desire for peace, love, and understanding, I know it is not possible to stop a runaway train if it is heading for a crash. It's like telling a teenager, don't drink and do drugs. It's like telling an artist, get a job so you'll have something to fall back on. Some trains have to crash. Democracy is a runaway train. The conductors are asleep at the wheel. Half the passengers are in the club car fighting over who gets the last piece of pie. The other half are leaning out the windows screaming with their hair on fire. Nobody is right or wrong on this train. We're all on the train together. We are going to get it good and hard.

Excuse me, my hair is smoking. Catch you later.

Time out: The search for home hits the pause button

I left Sacramento and drove for hours toward the beach, committed to escaping the heat and smoke of the central valley. I made it to Eureka and found a mall anchored by a Walmart, hoping to park for the night in that traditional haven for weary travelers. No such luck. A polite security guard told me there was no overnight parking. Lucky for me, I had a little daylight left. I packed up, consulted the app that shows possible wild camping locations nearby, and migrated three miles to a nondescript side street that I never would have found on my own. Bless the campers who came before me and took the time to blaze the trail for other nomads. 

 After I left the Eureka side street, I stopped to do a couple video calls in Crescent City, and then crossed the border into Oregon, the state of my birth. In Brookings, I parked at a Fred Meyer, the familiar brand of my childhood. This store was like none I'd ever seen. It was like the Disneyland of grocery stores: two levels, a massive produce section, and a billion shoppers milling around and bashing each others' carts. 

In Brookings, I had my car examined for possible front end problems. I sat in the lobby, choking on the smell of rubber tires, and watched the young dude drive off with my car, trying to be Zen about it, thinking, I really need to be less attached to my stuff. 

"I don't hear anything," he said. I wanted to say, what are you, deaf? But I didn't. He assured me everything was tight, no worries, and I decided to trust him, not being a car mechanic myself (but having good enough hearing to notice unfamiliar front end noises). He didn't say anything about the check engine light, which I took to mean they only do tires, brakes, and front ends. Check engine lights are not their problem. 

I drove on up Hwy 101, through beach town after beach town, getting increasingly tired and wondering if I would ever find a place to park for the night. Finally, after traversing the length of Newport, I found another Fred Meyer. Feeling sick from driving, I entered the big parking lot anbd found it ringed with vans and cars that were obviously there to park for the night. With great relief, I backed into a cozy parking space among my fellow nomads. I nibbled something, cleaned up with baby wipes and alcohol, and went to bed. It rained during the night, soaking the top edges of my window covers, but I didn't care. Clouds! Rain! Cool temperatures!

After stopping to do my laundry in Lincoln City, I consulted my peers on the camping app, which suggested a road along the beach in Manzanita. Based on their recommendations, I parked on the verge with several other cars and sprinter vans and marveled that I had a cell phone signal and a perfect view of the ocean. Nobody bothered me, even though the next day I discovered it might not have been legal to park there after all. This is the dilemma of nomads who seek cooler temps along the coastline. Coastal states are not welcoming to nomads, probably because these states have such a huge population of unhoused. All the rich folks don't want a bunch of decrepit motorhomes and dented SUVs cluttering up their view of the Pacific. Who can blame them? They want what they are paying for. 

I'm blogging at you from my cousin's beach house in Long Beach, WA, on the peninsula, a few blocks from the ocean. The house is old and huge, decorated in vintage furniture, pictures, and knicknacks. She's left instructions for guests: check the toilets to make sure they aren't running, pack out your recycling and compostables, and spray Pine Sol around the garbage can to deter the bears. Last night at 11:30 pm the tsunami siren went off and wailed for a good two minutes. I sat there Googling "earthquake" and "tsunami near me" but found nothing, so I went back to bed. I slept for twelve hours. 

It's barely 3:00 pm, and I'm just now starting to feel myself firming up into a functional human. I didn't realize how tense and taut I was until I had a safe place to perch and rest. Once I felt safe, I turned into a quivery pile of jelly. I am trying to keep my eyes on the goal: to find affordable housing. As soon as it cools off a bit in the Willamette Valley, I'll leave the coast and get back on the road to continue my search for home.

Sprinting out of the desert

On Wednesday, I said goodbye to my Scottsdale friends, the blue pool, the little dog, and the 112°F heat. My plan was to go west, but first I had to pick up packages at my Tucson mailbox, so I trekked two hours down the freeway, took care of my errands, and then hit the road, hoping to avoid the monsoon thunderstorms that were about to boil up over Tucson.  

I retraced my route west on I-10, back toward Phoenix and connected to I-8, aiming for San Diego. At Gila Bend, I stopped for gas, got turned around, and ended up going north on 87, which hooks up with I-10 west of Phoenix. It's the truck bypass route. I hadn't planned on going that way, but the window of opportunity to hit the back button on my error closed within a few seconds as the highway turned to freeway with no offramps, and so north I went, thinking, okay, this is what happens to me, all part of the road trip adventure. 

As I ploughed through the desert heat, I watched the thermometer in my car giving me a readout of the outside temperature:  109°F, 110°F, 111°F . . . I stopped at a rest area to text my friends and stepped out of my car into a furnace. The hot wind would have stripped the flesh from my bones if I had dawdled on my way to and from the restroom. 

With the AC blasting, I looked at the map and contemplated my odds of survival. If my car went belly up in the desert, nothing would be left of me but a desiccated husk. My eyes would crack and crumble first. My skin would peel back like parchment paper, leaving only brittle bones and some teeth, four crowns, and a bridge. All the butane canisters under the bed would combust. The conflagration would no doubt be visible for miles, but by the time highway patrol arrived, there would be nothing left but a greasy smoking pile of ash, a few teeth, and the soggy blueberries in my Alpicool fridge (currently working intermittently, depending on the availability of power). 

To the south, Tucson was being hit by little tornadoes and flash floods. To the north of me, Flagstaff was being hammered by gruesome thunderstorms and flash floods. East was not an option, ugh. The only path to cooler air was a hotfooted sprint through the desert. 

If you've ever run a marathon, you know that it takes a while. It's hard to sprint an entire marathon. I knew I was in for it. I knew I might not survive. A blown tire would be all it would take. No way could I change a tire, even on a cool day. Those tires are heavy. No, it was either keep going or bust. I vowed to keep going until the fahrenheit reading on my odometer window dropped below 100°F. Or until the haboobs stripped the skin off my bones. 

I did my best.

Somewhere along my sprintlike marathon, I realized my head had stopped spinning. My ear had stopped crackling. I cranked up country music radio (which is all I can get in the desert) and did some head bopping. No vertigo. I tried singing, loudly, and then more loudly, out of tune. Still felt fine, and when I say "fine," I mean as close to normal as I've felt in about five years. I started laughing then, because then I knew that most likely the med the neurologist had reluctantly prescribed for me had started to kick in. 

I was so happy, I barely noticed as the temperature reading climbed to 115°F, then to 117°F, 119°F, finally topping out at 120°F in Desert Center and again in the Coachella Valley. (Wow, I am so glad I didn't decide to move to Indio or Desert Hot Springs.)

I kept going. My euphoria gradually evaporated. By the time the temperature dropped below 100°F, it was almost 6:00 pm Pacific time. I'd been driving almost nonstop for ten hours, eating mostly crackers.  Driving into the setting sun was starting to get annoying. The moment I realized I wasn't going to make it all the way to Santa Monica, I found myself in an exit-only lane. I thought okay, the Universe says you are staying the night in Claremont. When the Universe slaps me around, I listen. I exited, searched, and found a cheap motel close enough to the freeway so I could find my way back by zeroing in on the roar of semitrucks and motorhomes barrelling over the ruts and cracks in the ancient concrete pavement.

The next day I took the 210 west toward the ocean and spent a cool but restless night at Home Depot in Oxnard. For the first time in months, I was actually cold. What a revelation, to feel 57°F air on my skin. To sleep with a blanket. To start my drive the next morning with the heater on in my car! 

The next day I leapfrogged SUVs and motorhomes on my way north on 101 to the 46 east, then onto the 41 north, and finally to I-5 north. At the beginning of the trek I noticed piles of tomatoes along the roadside. Oh, a tomato truck disaster, I thought. As I went along, I came upon truck after truck pulling enormous cartons filled with thousands and thousands of tomatoes. Dozens of trucks filled with billions of tomatoes, hitting bumps in the road and jettisoning a few random tomatoes into the air. I didn't see any actual tomato truck wrecks. That would have been a marvel. 

I spent a another cool but restless night at another Home Depot, this time in Stockton, within fifty yards of the freeway and a small tent encampment. 

I was dressed and ready to go before the sky was fully light. I got gas. Then the question: Which way? I checked the temperature forecasts, the fire maps, and the routes that would let me avoid San Francisco. Now I'm in Sacramento, sitting in a mall parking lot. The sky here is hazy with smoke from the Park Fire, burning northeast of Chico. Shoppers come and go on all sides of my car. Occasionally they bump it and set it rocking. My head rocks along with it. Unfortunately, the medication apparently takes six to eight hours to kick in and the reprieve only lasts a few hours. My head was spinning hard this morning, worse than ever. I'm trying to stay calm. 

I don't feel like lollygagging here in this city. Helicopters circle overhead. Irritated drivers honk at each other as they compete for scarce parking spaces. Curious people walk past my open door and peer inside. I need to figure out where I'm going to park tonight. Not here. Not safe. 

My route north out of the city takes me through more smoke. I'd rather be out on the road dodging tomato trucks than sitting in a mall parking lot hoping I have enough power to do my next zoom meeting. But such is the life of a nomad. I'm not complaining. I have internet. What's more, the temperature is less than 90°F, with no thunderstorms in sight. I'll take it all and be grateful.

The Chronic Malcontent wobbles into nomad life

My younger brother used to be able to shoot down house flies with rubber bands. That takes some real skill. I don't have that skill. I resort to a spray bottle of alcohol. That used to work well on the house flies in Portland, even the great big ones. 

Here in the Southern Arizona desert, flies are hardy, tough little addicts. Alcohol just excites them. At least that is the way it looks to me. It's possible they are being replaced at the rate I shoot them down, like mercernary infantry who don't care if they live or die. It's possible the carpet is littered with carcasses, and I'll find them at some date long into the future when I do a deep clean on this little caravan. I hung a sheer curtain over the open doorway. It's folded over at the top, and multiple species of flies have congregated at the top of the fold. How they got in there I have no idea. What they are doing there is less of a mystery. I assume they skitter back and forth at the top of the fold because they are seeking the exit. Aren't we all.

Speaking of exit-seeking, I had my first appointment with the physical therapy suggested by the neurologist. We got off to a rocky start—I had failed to notice that one of the three pages I was supposed to fill out had more information on the back (in my defense, the other two pages were blank on the back, and I hadn't eaten anything since evening the day before, fearing she might be putting me through some shenanigans that would motivate me to barf.) Anyway, I think my OCD desire to finish filling out the form mollified her somewhat. She could tell I was a good student.

I was with her for almost two hours. I answered her questions as best I could. She did tests on my vestibular system (obviously not trusting the neurologist's diagnosis), and I'm glad she did her own tests, because as it turned out, she reached a different conclusion. Or rather, she reached no conclusion.

Finally we sat down in opposite chairs. She tapped my knee. "You don't have BPPV," she said. "Your eyes are steady. No nystagmus."

"Okay," I said.

"And I don't think you have vestibular migraines, either," she continued. "Vestibular migraines come like an attack, triggered by something, like food or bright lights. You don't have attacks."

"No, mine is more like waves," I agreed. "Every minute or so, with the ear crackling. Like a downed powerline in my head."

"In my eighteen years of therapy practice, I've never seen anyone like you."

"Oh," I said, feeling both special and bereft. 

"I can't treat you for BPPV," she said. "However, I have one more test I'd like to do, if you will come back one or two more times."

I nodded, picturing my calendar, which had two PT appointments per week for the next month. 

When I mentioned the schedule, she sighed. "The scheduler that day was new. Somewhat overzealous." Then she tapped my knee again. "I don't think you are crazy." 

"Uh . . . "

"You aren't making this up. This is a real thing."

"It is to me."

"Besides the vestibular paroxysmia, there's one other possibility. You might have Triple PD." 

Having read all the literature, real and fake, I knew that PPPD is a catch-all diagnosis that practitioners use when a patient has had a vestibular trauma and can't seem to shake it off. Over time, the patient develops anxiety, fearing the onset of the next attack, and the anxiety seems to keep the vestibular system constantly on edge, leading to chronic imbalance. 

"That is treated with antidepressants," I said. I was thinking to myself, I don't have anxiety, but some of the medications the neurologist mentioned were both antidepressants and epilepsy treatments. Maybe something could be negotiated.

"I agree with you, it makes sense to try the antiseizure drugs to see if they work on the paroxysmia. It's too bad this neurologist is new," she added (news to me). "It's so hard to get other doctors to read reports sometimes."

I'm guessing my future self is going to have to do battle with the neurologist, or maybe try to find a second neurologist who might be open to prescribing antiseizure meds. However, it helps to think the PT might be in my corner. We can hope.

Meanwhile, I'm out on BLM land in a place called Red Rock. The saguaros are incredible. The flies I've already described. The wind knocked over my solar panel, my little outdoor table, and a half-gallon of water, and now it's trying to pry off the blue tarp I bungeed to my car to block the blazing sun. From the inside, it looks like I'm inside an aquarium, except for the incessant flapping noise. I was hoping the wind would die down so I could leave the tarp up all night, but I don't think I can sleep with that going on, so wish me luck, I'm going out to battle the flies, the wind, and the tarp. 

See you next week.

Still searching for home

Most days, I can't tell if I'm in my right mind or not. Some days I think, I can do this, I can camp in my car, be a nomad, go on adventures, be a digital worker, drive around and see things, and somehow magically maintain a healthy life despite not having a home base. Then I read about the challenges of getting car insurance without a fixed parking spot, and I think, I'm out of my mind. This is insane. This is disaster. I should do everything I can to avoid homelessness. There will be no coming back if I drive off this cliff.

Then I think, well, wait, other people do it. These nomad vanlifers live in their cars, or at least, they say they do. If they are telling the truth, then clearly, it can be done. So I dig around in the great brain in the sky and find out, wait a minute, some of my confident nomadic heroes might not be completely legal. In fact, their suggestions are liable to inspire my insurance company to cancel me, should I ever get in a wreck. This would not be ideal. Then I remember, my vanlife heroes make their money from naive idiots like me watching their videos. Oh, the horror. 

Last week, I was sure I could go live in the forest—you know, park my car under a pine tree, set up my internet gizmo, and write my next novel. Eat nuts and twigs, commune with the coyotes . . . hey, city girls can learn new skills. I called it a retreat.

This week, my brain retreated from that idea. I know I can live in my car, but I'm not so sure I'm up for communing with wildlife. Coyotes, bears, packrats, no-seeums, no thanks. The idea of being homeless scares the spit out of me. Homelessness is not a viable option for a person my age. Once I cross that line, I don't know if I can come back to the adult world. You might as well send me to the psych ward.

I'm planning a second road trip later this month to eyeball some small towns in Arizona. I don't think the vertigo problem is going to be solved any time soon, no matter where I am on the planet, so I'm opting to scope out possible housing options at higher elevations. Small towns, slightly cooler temps, maybe that will work. Maybe there will be a place for me there.

It's unsettling to not be able to call a place home. 

I searched on my epic road trip, I really did. I put 5,000 miles on my car in search of home. I burned hundreds of dollars worth of gasoline. I slept in parking lots. I pooped in a bucket. I really tried to find a home. Even so, it wasn't enough. Maybe I drove past the one place I could have called home, fooled by the red-tile-roofed mansions on the hills above the freeway, assuming I could never afford such a place. Maybe it was Ashland, or Indio, maybe it was Medford, or Spokane, or Bishop, or Wickiup. Jeez, it could have been Wickiup, and all I did was buy gas there for the umpteenth time and get back on the road.

I probably drove past a hundred places that I could have called home, but I was so busy dodging trucks and looking at my gas gauge, I missed them all. 

How do other people find home? Some people are lucky enough to be born in a place they consider home, but what about all those folks born into the wrong climate? Hm, what about them? The ones born in Portland who hate rain. The ones born in Tucson who hate being dessicated and wish they had been born in Portland? How do you figure out where you belong? 

I guess that is what Google Street View is for. But it's not a substitute for seeing a place with your own eyes, feeling the air on your skin, observing the clouds over the skyline, noticing the pace of cars cruising main street, noting the nods of strangers as they take you in and process your strangeness. Don't you have to see it for yourself?

You can just pick up and move, sight unseen. I did that twice. I could do it again. But this time, I want to see it for myself first, before I make the leap.

Don't get up in my undercarriage

 

I have an ongoing quest to lighten my load. To that end, I have offloaded more kitchen stuff to my housemate. This trailer easily absorbed a microwave, a rice cooker, and a toaster oven. I brought the microwave from Portland. It was Mom's microwave, the one she had at the Cottage. It's got two dials and it dings. The rice cooker and the toaster oven I bought when I moved into the Bat Cave. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly start eating rice and toast. Probably for the same reason I thought I'd buy orange slacks and flowered shirts, now that I'm in the desert. As if moving would make me a different person. Nope. I still eat nuts and twigs. I still wear grungy pajamas. I've regressed to my personal mean. There's no budging me now.

I have a short stack of cardboard boxes ready to offload to the thrift store next week. I can't believe I'm still downsizing. On this round, I'm jettisoning some coffee cups. I only need one. I'm letting go of a clear glass dish good for baking banana bread, or meatloaf, if you are so inclined. I think it might have been Mom's. My old beat-up $20 blender is going. My little waffle iron, so long. The coffee grinder. I'm not buying beans anymore. I'm now mixing Sprouts French roast with Yuban. It's just a matter of time before I'm stirring instant coffee with a plastic spoon. 

I doubt I will miss any of it. If I haven't used the stuff in a year, it's unlikely I ever will. Besides the kitchen gear, I boxed up a couple desk lamps I bought when I moved here, when all my stuff was still in storage and I needed to have light in the Trailer. I'm letting go of my light therapy box. Brain fog is the least of my worries given my affliction with vertigo or whatever it is. The ENT doesn't think it is vertigo. It might have been at one time, but untreated, now it's disequilibrium stemming from vestibular migraines. She made up the diagnosis based on what is popular in the medical literature, I'm pretty sure. Vestibular migraines is all the range right now. Who cares? If it can't be measured, it's not really happening. Just stick a fork in it and call it done. 

I'm in a downsizing contest with myself, it seems. How little do I need to live? I remember reading about that guy who has all his possessions in a backpack, something like forty items. He showed a photo of them all spread out on a small picnic blanket. What he didn't talk much about is how he relied on the generosity of others in order to live. He could afford to mosey around without the basic accoutrements of American life because he was borrowing the accoutrements of others. 

What are the basic accoutrements? A bed, I suppose, or something to sleep on. I didn't see a bedroll or sleeping bag, so he must have been sleeping on other people's beds. Did he have a way to store and cook food? He had a dish and a spoon. That seemed overly optimistic. I didn't see a method to keep clean, a mechanism to handle waste. He had his feet for moving from here to there, but I seem to recall people gave him rides. You can get rides when you are a social media celebrity. And beds. And cooked food. I want to be a minimalist, not a moocher.

Did that guy feel as if he had a place to be? Was that one of his basic accoutrements? 

I guess that is the part I still find confounding, that place-to-be thing. Where does a person go when they have no place to go? My worst fear used to be that I would end up living in my parent's basement. Oh, how naïve. At that time, they had a very nice basement. I've lived in basements, they aren't so bad. I'd live in a basement now, here in Tucson, if anyone had such a thing, which they don't, because the entire city rests on top of caliche, which is cement, in case you didn't know (I didn't). Not many basements here. Or lawns, either. This is such a weird place. The sunsets are amazing, though.

With climate change shaking up the globe, it might make sense to be a nomad, if I can still buy food, water, and gasoline. No guarantees on any of that, but what is my alternative? I can't afford to buy a home, I can't afford to rent an apartment. When the next viral pandemic arrives and turns us all into mindless zombies, I guess I'll just go with the crowd. Why fight it? I might be able to outrun the plague if I'm mobile, assuming my car still runs and there's still electricity for pumping gas. Well, if it isn't the virus that takes me down, it will be a fire or a flood. Or maybe an old-fashioned boring car crash. They have a lot of those here in Tucson. 

I don't have a lot of years left in me, so I don't expect my suffering to last long. Besides, suffering is optional. So they say.