The path is less-traveled for a good reason

 

I'm blogging tonight because it is a task on my calendar. That is the only reason. My brain is a stinky pile of pudding. I've spent the past few hours formatting a dissertation that refuses to conform. 

It happens. Not all Word documents are built to my liking. No use complaining. It's far too late to do anything about it. The dissertation is done. The dissertator is defending in a few weeks. 

I can imagine the desperation she felt when her reviewers said, clean this thing up or you don't graduate!

Word is not a user-friendly program. I know it pretty well, but sometimes it is hard to figure out the quirks of a new template. There are a hundred styles in this thing. I picture bored academics sitting in offices drinking beer and gloating over their next creative ploy to make dissertators insane. And editors. Although I doubt if they are thinking of us. Me. No, they don't care.

They probably think they are making the formatting task easier for their dissertators. And if they knew what they were doing, I would say, right on. But it's just stupid to set a style to all caps and then assume the dissertator will figure out what to do when their page numbers suddenly appear in the Table of Contents in uppercase Roman numerals. I mean, I ask you. It's a travesty.

My brain is mush. I think there was some big game today? Did your team win? I hope you are fully recovered from whatever happened. I'd rather stay immersed in my resentment against Microsoft Word. It's easier to gripe than to see the news and be reminded that so many people around the world are suffering. 

Today as I walked along the bike path, enjoying the sun as I dodged the bikers, I thought about a crossroads moment in my young adult life. It was more than a moment, I guess. Maybe you could classify it as a three-year-long crossroads moment. I was in college (the first time around). It was around 1975 when my life forked into two distinct paths. One path headed toward the practical world of business, probably accounting (can you imagine?). The other path headed toward the mystical realm of art and creativity. It was never a real choice to me, but looking back, I wish someone had pointed out to me that I did have a choice. I didn't see it. I only saw one path, and so I took that path. 

It would not have taken a crystal ball to show me the possible outcomes of the two paths. One path would likely have led to a decent income, probably a house, a nice car, a growing bank account, and a retirement fund. In other words, wealth. The other path, the one I chose, has given me an interesting life of creativity, magical thinking, and constant struggle. 

Other crossroads presented themselves over the years. I took a few of them, in my quest to be a normal person. I went to school multiple times to reinvent myself. The editing skills I have now are a direct result of one of those detours. My detours have led me in some pointless directions, mostly because I let others persuade me it was the right choice. I wonder what sort of life I would have had if I'd ignored them, settled on one art form, and stuck to it. Painting, maybe. Or writing. I might have actually had a career. On the other hand, I wonder what my life would look like now had I chose to become an accountant. I can guess. Safe. Secure. Predictable. Now that I'm old and tired, it doesn't sound too bad.

I suppose it's not too late to look for another crossroad. As long as my brain still works, I'm probably employable somewhere. However, my best years, physically and mentally, are behind me. Barring a miracle, I fear my best earning time has come and gone. I should be living on my wealth now, and instead, I am still chasing the dream. Or it is still chasing me. 

Landing peanut butter-side up

I’m embarrassed to report, life is looking up for the Chronic Malcontent. Thanks, I'm happy, too. It’s a healthy indicator of my mental state that I’m not so attached to my persona as a morose wack-job that I can’t acknowledge that even though bad things can happen, good things can also happen, even to me. Ha. See how self-obsessed I am? Even in my moroseness, I can still make everything about me.

I closed out the lease at the Bat Cave a few days ago. After all the angst about hiring a “professional cleaner” in order to abide by the terms of my lease, I found out the cost of such a cleaner would be more than the amount of my security deposit. At that point, I surrendered that deposit to the Universe. I was willing to let it go. Sunk costs are not worth whining about. Gone, soon to be forgotten, moving on. 

Well, as sometimes happens (even to me), the Universe said, I know you are attached to your pessimism, but here, take this security deposit refund as a token reminder of the Universe’s neutrality in all things. I received an (automated) email from the property management company stating that I would be receiving my entire security deposit in the mail (someday). I’ll believe it when it’s in the bank, but still, it’s a nice testament to the power of detachment. I don’t care if it ever comes. My well-being is no longer dependent on that property management company, may it rest in pieces at the bottom of a deep black pit.

Creativity has a chance to grow in this new place, even though it’s a mobile home, excuse me, manufactured home. Or maybe because of it, who knows. There’s something strangely energizing about living in something that is always on the verge of getting up and going. It mirrors my own existence. I haven’t seen the underpinnings of this building—and I use the term “building” very loosely—so I don’t know if wheels still exist in the "basement." But, I also don’t know that they don’t. Therein lies the joy of uncertainty. The cat might be dead. But then again, the cat might be very much alive and chilling.

I closed my account with the power company, and it seems to have worked. I paid my final bill. I returned the modem rented from the internet cable company and might receive a refund someday, although again, I haven’t seen it yet, so who knows. I don’t chase money. At least, not small amounts like that, not worth the angst. I know some people sniff after every penny in every crack in the couch but that is not me, not anymore. If the Universe wants me to have money, it is going to have to shove it someplace where I’ll be sure to notice it, otherwise I’m moving on.

Speaking of noticing things, this week I’ve been noticing headlines.

Funniest headline: Is it raining diamonds on Uranus?

Most relevant headline (to me): It is possible to land peanut butter-side up

Saddest headline: I can’t remember the last time I had fun.

I haven’t seen any no-see-ums, for obvious reasons, but I still bear their scars on my hands. I haven’t seen any javelinas lately, babies or parents, just lots of lizards, many flat, as I mentioned last week. Could be because the heat is back. Monsoon might be done for the year. The Rillito River has resumed its alter ego as a dry riverbed filled with decrepit trees, green but leaning westward like drunken soldiers from being bashed by the westward-flowing monsoon floodwaters. Last night I walked along the bike path that parallels the River and watched a man with two big dogs walking in the river sand. I wondered what that would feel like. It’s not every day you get to walk in a dry riverbed. Well, I guess soon we’ll all have the opportunity to enjoy walking where water once flowed. Except along the oceans, where we will be rowing boats where there used to be dry land. What the heck? I’m glad I’ll be dead before the worst happens. I've seen enough climate change for one sad lifetime.

Meanwhile, the question, as always, is this: how do we want to live until the moment comes when we die? Often I have chosen self-pity as my preferred mode of living. The saddest headline above was not written by me, but it could have been at one time. Not anymore. I have a lot of fun, according to my rather unique definition of fun. My idea of fun is probably not yours, just in case you wanted to invite me over for bingo and ice cream. Save your breath.

I could rewrite the headline to I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation. One of my friends is in Norway right now. One friend is in Paris. I might have to do something about my stay-putted-ness one of these days. It’s possible a road trip is in my future. I have no specific plans yet. But I need to see what is out there. Don’t worry, I won’t go far, not much beyond the Moon or Mars, probably. But you never know.

To earn or not to earn

Somehow I've managed to divorce earning money from receiving money. It's as if the hose got disconnected from the faucet or something. No, that's not right. It's as if I'm putting energy into a meatgrinder, cranking the handle for all I'm worth, sweating up a storm, and nothing is coming out the other end. Not meat juice, not water, not air. Then when I go look in my refrigerator, there's meat in there. Like, how did that happen? 

I am not a meat eater, so this is a bad analogy. All I know is, something is wacky with me and money. I'm turning the handle but nothing is coming out the spigot. It's similar to the wackiness between me and time, the challenge I discussed last week. 

What the heck am I talking about? Vertigo is clawing my brain into pieces. My head is reeling from a storm system moving through. Actual rain is coming down from the sky. Moisture. Falling from the sky. So weird. 

Anyway, I can't think very well when the bucket is sloshing in my head. I think what I'm trying to do right now is describe my experience this week of doing work for no pay. I seem to be caught up in swirls and eddies that take me nowhere. Words are failing me.

The past few weeks, I've edited three papers for the for-profit higher education institution that hired me as a part-time dissertation editor. I'm supposed to get paid a certain amount per student per term. It isn't hard work. The hardest part is learning the quirks of the institution's dissertation guidelines, which seriously depart from APA style. 

Enough palaver. What I'm saying is that I've done a bunch of work, the term is over, and I have not been paid. I think I recall the supervisor saying they pay twice per term. It's a paltry amount, minus taxes, so I'm not holding my breath, hoping to have money for bread. What am I saying? I don't eat bread. Okay, milk. I don't drink milk. Money for onions. I don't know. My brain is going sideways. 

The agency guy I sometimes edit for sent me a little paper to edit yesterday. A proposal thing in a weird institutional template. I polished it up and shipped it off. Five hours later, the guy writes back, oh hey, here's the institution's handbook, can you see if what you edited complies with the format in Appendix E? I wanted to yell at him (via email), you idiot, why didn't you send it to me before I edited the paper? But I thought, what would be the point, other than releasing my frustration? So I downloaded the handbook and looked at it. It had some examples of title page, copyright page, you know, all that front matter stuff nobody ever reads, as well as some formatting requirements.

I wrote to the agency guy: You want me to format this paper?

He wrote back: Yes, would you?

I'd already spent over two hours just editing the text. Now I was expected to reformat the paper and add a title page, copyright page, acknowledgments page, and a table of contents. 

Oh, did I tell you how much I am getting paid? Sixty dollars. 

I might as well be paying him for the privilege of being of service. Ditto the institution I supposedly work for. 

I recently decided to stop teaching online Zoom classes for artists who want to learn business. It's not worth the hassles. I'm intrinsically motivated, you know that. I have to be. The pay is $25 per hour to teach a class. Minus taxes. I'm paying transit tax for a county in which I no longer reside. I spend many hours gathering my material and refining it into presentations that I hope artists will enjoy and understand. I don't expect praise, although I get some now and then. I also don't expect to be reamed for using incorrect personal pronouns when students don't turn on their cameras or otherwise give me a clue. 

Have you tried speaking without any personal pronouns at all? It's quite challenging. I have changed all my business emails to "pronouns: any." Honestly, I don't care what you call me. Pronounce it any way you want, make up your own spelling. My sense of well-being does not depend on you using my preferred pronouns. 

What was I talking about? Oh yeah: the meatgrinder. I put in energy and effort, I turn handle, and no meat comes out. It's a metaphor. Not a good one. I have a commitment to self to blog every Sunday, no matter what. Sometimes I can't find the words. I don't even know what I am feeling, other than dizzy.

And yet, my fridge is full. Not of meat, but I have plenty of eggs, yogurt, vegetables, fruit, nuts, twigs, and gravel. I'm not starving. There is gas in my car (I hardly go anywhere, I think gas prices will probably drop by the time I need to fill up). I'm doing fine. 

The disconnect I perceive might not be real. 

If I have to choose between a "real" job that pays a "regular wage" and this weird quasi-freelancing editing gig, which is better for me? If I'm not going to get paid, is it better to be useful? Or is it better to work on my own projects and tell everyone else, no, I can no longer do your projects for a few pennies or no pennies at all? Rain is a suitable mood, and the Bat Cave is a perfect place to excavate the words that escape me.
 

The Chronic Malcontent attempts to teach artists not to hate business

As an artist and marketer, I have a foot in both art and business. Sometimes I feel like the anti-Christ of marketing, but still, with a Ph.D. in marketing, I have a lot of book knowledge, not to mention valuable personal experience making marketing mistakes and a sincere desire to be of service, all of which qualify me to act as an interpreter for struggling artists who want to bring their art into the world.

Yesterday I led six adult students through the horrific intersection of art and business, also known as the Art & Business class. Art and business is like oil and water to artists. (What is it about artists that makes us want to hurl at the thought of mixing art and money?)

Seven people were registered for the class. The table arrangement accommodated eight in a horseshoe shape. My homemade comb-bound workbooks were placed in front of each chair. Pens were scattered around. Table tents of white card stock were folded at each seat, waiting for students to print their names.

I never know who will sign up for six hours of this rare form of hell. As usual, the group of so-called artists was a mixed bag. The first to arrive was an older gentleman, maybe a few years older than me (I just turned 63), with wispy white hair and glasses. The next to arrive was a younger woman with olive skin and lovely black-framed glasses. I greeted them both.

In the ensuing silence, they perused their workbooks while I stared out the window, starting to sweat as the clock ticked toward the start time. At three minutes to ten, I poked my head out the door and saw two young women sitting on a bench across the hall. They ignored me. At ten o'clock exactly, they strolled into the classroom and sat next to one another at the table nearest the door, chattering in a foreign language.

A minute after ten, I moved to my first PowerPoint slide and began my introduction. About ten sentences later, the door opened and a handsome bearded man in a knit cap entered, followed by a blonde woman wearing some sort of poncho-like garment. They took seats opposite the two young ladies. The tables were almost full. I welcomed the newcomers and finished up my introduction.

“Now it's your turn to talk,” I said. “Please introduce yourself and tell us what kind of art you make. And then please tell me what you hope to learn in this class today, so I can write it on the board.” I parked myself at the whiteboard, blue pen poised.

The woman in the poncho introduced herself as Jackie. “I'm not an artist,” she said. She motioned with her head toward the young man next to her. “I'm here to learn how to support Miller.” She efficiently opened her laptop and got ready to take notes. “I want to learn more about marketing.” I wrote marketing on the whiteboard.

I looked at Miller, who sort of folded in on himself, covering his face with his hand. “I hate anything to do with business,” he groaned dramatically. “That's why I brought my partner.”

“What kind of art do you make?” I asked politely.

“I paint. With oils. On paper. It's archival paper from France. It comes in rolls. It's perfectly legit, you can look it up. You know what I mean?” He rubbed his face with his hand and squirmed in his chair. I thought, what is up with this guy.

“What do you hope to get from this class today?” I asked.

He groaned and bent over like he was going to be sick. “I don't know!” he moaned. “How to make people buy my stuff?” I wrote how to make people buy my stuff on the board. For veracity, I like to use the students' actual words whenever I do the needs assessment.

Next up was the older guy, Dan. He sat up straight and introduced himself. “I'm retired. I like to draw figures. I try to get the most emotion into the fewest lines.”

“What do you hope to get from today's class?”

“Some tips on marketing, I guess,” he replied. “I'm not sure.” I wrote tips on marketing on the whiteboard.

Next to him sat the woman with the black glasses. “My name is Betty. I have my own studio,” she said nervously. “I used to teach art to children but I stopped doing that a couple years ago. Now I want to make signs. I need to make some money. I'm hoping to . . . I don't know what to focus on. I've got so many ideas, I don't know what to do.”

“I can relate to that,” I reassured her. “What do you hope to learn today?”

“I'm not sure, I don't know what I need. Help with marketing, I guess. I don't know.” I wrote marketing on the board.

I looked at the young woman to Betty's right and smiled encouragingly, noting her curly brown hair, perfect eyebrows, and flawless makeup. She smiled back.

“My name is Tina,” she said with an accent I couldn't place. “I am a cosmetic tattoist.”

“Tattoo artist?” I said. I pictured body tattoos.

“Cosmetic tattoos?” Dan clarified. “Like when people need . . . ?”

“Eyebrows,” Tina said.

“What would you like to get from this class today, Tina?” I asked.

“I'm not sure, marketing, maybe?”

The last person in the class was a young woman with long brown hair and glasses.

“I'm not an artist,” she said. “My son is in high school. He likes to draw.”

“So, you are here to get some information for your son?”

She nodded. “He wants to go to an art school in California, I don't know the name, very expensive. I want to help him make a good choice.”

On the whiteboard I wrote help loved one make a good choice.

And away we went. When I've recuperated, I'll tell you more.

Those who can't . . . teach

I spent almost ten years teaching business and general education courses to reluctant, resistant, and recalcitrant adult learners, many of whom attended school only for the student loan money they lived on. I used my time as a teacher to learn the craft and earn the advanced degree I now regret pursuing. Teaching was fun. I relished the challenge of organizing my approach to communicate material that most students would briefly absorb then promptly forget. I strove to create handouts, worksheets, templates, rubrics, guidebooks, cartoons, board games, dice games, role-play games, whatever it took to jam information into their heads that would stick long enough for them to pass the finals and graduate. It wasn't easy. Students often slept in class. They texted and played Farmville. They cheated on tests. They ignored me. They didn't read the textbook or do the practice exams. Many of my blog posts from 2012 and 2013 are stories of my angst and frustration with students.

It's happened again. I am now officially a teacher. Recently I taught two sessions of a day-long class for artists who want to learn some business skills. This time the format was continuing education, which meant no tests, no lectures, no jamming and cramming, no grading. This time, my students were artists.

Artists are the greatest. I love artists, probably more than I love art. Art is great, but once it's on the wall, it is done, it's over. Artists carry an endearing combination of creative confidence and urgent desperation. They make art with faith and trust in their ability to enter the zone, the flow. They know exactly what that zone is and regally assume their right to enter it. However, when it comes to bringing their art into the world, to show it, to sell it, to price it, it's like half their brain has gone missing. They are lobotomized by the prospect of applying business tools to their creative lives. They can't find the balance between creating art and marketing art. It makes them insane, timid, angry, anxious, resentful, all in the course of one discussion about whether we should make the art we want and then find a market for it, or whether we should seek a market and then produce art for that market. Yowza!

The day was long, split in two by a leisurely lunch hour. The students were attentive and eager, until we reached the point in the discussion about including financial statements in the business plan. Then they all entered their own private hell. I know this from the student feedback forms I collected at the end of the class. What is it about artists and business? Oil and water is trite but apt.

At one point in the pricing discussion, after much debate about how to price a painting, one older woman said, “What about that thing that artists bring, our creativity, shouldn't that be added in, shouldn't we get something for that?”

“Because we're so special and unique, you mean?”

“Well, yes.”

“If you can convince your buyer of that, then yes,” I said. “If people want what you are selling and can afford it, they will pay for it. Your job is to persuade them that your painting is worth that extra premium.”

“Well, what if they don't want to pay for that special extra thing, the . . . muse?”

“Then you don't sell the painting.”

“But shouldn't they understand that artists are different from . . . I don't know, ditch diggers?”

“Do you mean, buyers should give you something extra just because you are an artist?”

I could see other people nodding. I could feel myself nodding. The story of my life.

“Boy, wouldn't that be great? To be recognized for our creativity and compensated for it?” I sighed. “Art buyers might buy your painting because they think you are special. But mainly they are concerned with their own needs and wants. How will that painting make them feel? How will having one of your paintings boost their self-esteem? You need to convince them that your work is worth whatever price you are charging.”

I could see they were still dissatisfied. Some part of their artistic souls still thought they should have what they want, when they want it. They didn't want to do any work to get it, beyond making the art. Making the art should be adequate. They thought recognition, wealth, and fame should be theirs by divine right, apparently, simply because they were the artist and the buyer was not.

Finding the balance between the practical brain and the creative brain is the quest of the serious artist. We know we have to play by certain rules to bring our art into the world—that is why these artists enrolled in my class. But they still couldn't help complaining about the unfairness of having to think about things like marketing and selling, financial statements and business licenses.

Oh poor us, poor artists, woe is us, alas, alackaday. For those of us who haven't figured it out, it's easy to retreat to the hothouse and wait for someone else to administer the fertilizer, preferably in the form of big checks with no restrictions. And for those of us who still haven't figured it and who have all but given up, there's always teaching.

The Chronic Malcontent stumbles down memory lane

 As I grind my teeth and wait for a chat rep from the phone company to magically fix my billing issue, I thought I could use the time to catch up on my blog. Most evenings, when my brain is mush and I can't think, I work on my scanning projects. I'm scanning old documents, photos, letters, and artwork in a unique form of Swedish death cleaning. I'm not Swedish, nor am I dying, but preparing for the end of one life and (I hope) the beginning of another seems appealing to me as I get older.

I've been scanning letters. My letters. My mother (may she not live forever) saved every letter I wrote to her from the time I left home to the time I returned, twenty years later. When she embarked upon her own death cleaning (without the death part), she gave me back all those letters, two heavy shoe boxes stuffed with envelopes. Hundreds of pages. I couldn't throw them away without peeking at some of the things I wrote when I was twenty years old. Behold the slow-moving train wreck of my youth. Once you look, it's hard to look away.

I scanned one box over the past week, wrestling the dusty pages out of dirty envelopes, many addressed to "Mommy," from "Kidlet." I guess I was a very immature twenty-year-old. I don't remember much, to be honest. My memory works in Polaroid snapshots, not Sony Betamax. I recall moments, images, a dress, a song. How they connect I have no idea. Reading snippets of the letters from my earlier self helped me remember events I'd long forgotten.

Back then, everything was art. The letters, the envelopes, the scrawling calligraphic marks on the page. I drew pictures of clothes I designed and made at fashion school. It was 1978. Disco, leggings, spike heels, permed hair. Los Angeles was the place to be for a wannabe fashion designer. The voice coming through the letters was that of a child, a naive, foolish, optimistic child who was willing to live life on the edge—because what a creative life it was.

Like a child, I complained about everything. I was in a constant snit about something someone had done or failed to do. Until I read my own words, I didn't remember any of these snits . . . or most of the people. As I read, the places I lived, the people I knew started to resurface in my memory. The apartment on Romaine, where I lived in 1978 when I got hired at the department store. The apartment on Orange, where I lived in 1979 when I got fired from the department store. My month as a Dupar's waitress. Enrolling in fashion school. Working late hours doing paste-up for California Apparel News. Sleeping on the bus. Leaving fashion school after one year.

In 1980, I sent home photos of me with my friends, prancing around in tight-legged vinyl jumpsuits with shoulders the size of small turkeys, hennaed hair spiked half a foot above our heads. We showed our designs in fashion shows. We thought any moment, we would become famous. We thought people would be banging on our door in droves, demanding amazing costumes they couldn't sit down in.

The second box contains letters from the mid-1980s. I haven't started scanning those letters yet. I believe I was somewhat calmer then, perhaps more realistic. I was no longer making bizarre artfashion costumes that left the wearer drenched in sweat and unable to pee without wardrobe assistance. I'd lost my enthusiasm for fashion. By then I'd sold my soul to the custom sewing business and enslaved myself to making other people's designs and altering their stinky clothes. I myself was the worst-dressed person in L.A. To this day, I hate to sew.

Something corrosive happened to my soul when I became mired in a money-losing business doing something I despised. My good friend said, "It's never too soon to stop doing what you hate and start doing what you love." Even though I haven't quite managed to live up to that creed, I still think it is the best advice I've ever received.

I'm not the manic wackjob I used to be. I said I don't want to burden the world with more paintings, and that is true for now. One thing I can do, though, is write, and those letters are a vast hoard of rich and energetic descriptions from a life I barely remember, a life that might be fun to write about and read about. Maybe she, me, the young naive maniac with a passion for fashion will find her way onto the pages of some story, a book, a memoir, who knows.

It's almost enough to know that once, I had passion for something. Misguided, maybe, but I was a believer. I believed in my art, as only the young and innocent can do, before they find out it's hard to earn money making art. Life is real, rent is due, and we can't live on apples and cheese quesadillas. Money and art don't mix in my world, they never have, but that doesn't mean I won't figure it out someday.