I'm on my own. The Chair of my committee (do I still have a committee?) has informed her learners on her faculty webpage that she is out of the country. I think she'll be back today, but who knows? She did not tell us where she went. She did, however, inform us that she has been receiving phone calls from learners at "all hours of the day and night," and from now on we must email her to set up an appointment if we want to talk with her on the phone. Yes, this is the same person who called me "Sweetie."
Nobody cares. It does no good to complain to anyone about this whole mess. I've been complaining about being in dissertation hell for so long, I might as well be yelling, "Wolf! Wolf!" People who ask how I'm doing are just being polite. They don't really want to hear my whining. What they want is the same thing I want: for this nightmare to be over. Of course, we want this for different reasons. I just want the pressure and anxiety to end, so I can get some sleep. They just want me to shut up.I can't control anything. There is nothing worse than feeling out of control. (Nothing?.... Nope. Nothing.) My entire existence depends on being able to control my environment. People, places, things... I constantly labor under the delusion that I am in control. The image that comes to mind is the ant riding on top of the log that is floating down the river. Yep, I'm driving this log, look at me go! The truth is, I can't control anything. Not time, not space. Certainly not people. Nothing. Most of the time I can't even control myself: my feelings and behaviors are unpredictable at the best of times. This is not the best of times. I am completely and utterly without control.
I can create wreckage. Just because I have no control over anything doesn't mean I can't create some serious wreckage. All I have to do is look behind me to see the trail of chaos and destruction in my wake. So, although I have no control, clearly I am not without influence. If I could harness some of that destructive energy and turn it to work for me, what could I accomplish?
It's easier to play small. I willingly put on my cloak of malcontentedness everyday. It is an old familiar friend. It helps keep my life manageable, helping me maintain that illusion of control that keeps me going. It also keeps my life small. I am a dreamer. Sometimes I dream big dreams, dreams that involve me taking chances, talking to people, actually making phone calls, actually telling the Universe what I want. When I imagine myself doing those things, I want to curl up in a ball under the covers.
It would be easier to just quit on the whole dissertation thing. What do I have to lose (besides six years and $45,000?) I mean, all this learning, it's mine now, no one can take it away from me, whether I have a degree or not. At least, the knowledge is mine until Alzheimer's claims my poor tired brain. But I'm just stubborn enough not to cry uncle. Not because I want the degree. I doubt I'll actually do anything with it anyway. No, I want to finish because I'm not a quitter. So, let her call me "Sweetie," "Stupid," and "Grumpy," I don't care. I know my internal dwarves. I'm in good company. We are all in this messy bog together.
