My life is the unfolding result of many small decisions

I went on an adventure this evening to downtown Portland. I seldom go downtown, although I used to spend a lot of time there. I went to Portland State University from 1974-1977. For a few months I lived in an old former hotel, the Marabba West student housing building (long since demolished), until I got mono and had to move back home. I loved being 19 and living in downtown Portland.

Tonight the city looked clean and new. I took the bus there and back, and marveled at the efficient transit mall with its light rail and streetcar tracks, part of the transportation web that connects the burbs to the core. The air was fresh. The rain was warm. The people kept their distance. I didn't get run over by an errant taxi, nor did I get accosted or shot at, and I managed to escape being pinned by a fallen tree. All in all, it was an excellent adventure.

Small decisions create my life. All the choices I've made are strung out behind me like fake pearls on a string, a trail of crossroad moments in which I chose a path and blazed a new step into the unknown future. I can look behind me and see the wreckage that got me to this moment. Where the path goes from here is anyone's guess. Actually, anyone else's guess is probably worth more than my guess. I see the path going over the side of a cliff into the swamp I fondly call You Fail At Life.

It just occurred to me, if I really cared about building traffic to this blog, I would probably write a different blog title. Something to bring people in and keep them here. Maybe something like, "How an introvert can live in an extroverted world." No, that's lame and impossible, how about, "How to be a natural woman." That would bring in some eyeballs, I bet. Except I have no idea what the post would be about. No, I know: "The secret to making a hundred and twenty dollars and fifty-three cents writing a blog about nothing." I'll try that on the next post.

Speaking of many small decisions, every day I check my NCU email for some sign that my chairperson is still alive, that I haven't been abandoned in dissertation limbo. Yesterday marked the end of the two week period the committee has to review my concept paper and give me feedback. I sent an email to my chairperson to that effect. I always copy myself on the emails so it looks like something is happening, even though it is just me sending emails to myself. At least I know the email system is working.

And suddenly, there it is. Between the last paragraph and this one, I logged in to the learner portal, and there was a message in the inbox: in the course room, the paper, returned, with comments. For a moment, my heart fluttered. My face flamed hot. I tried to prepare myself for the worst: bad news, lousy concept, inadequate method, stupid learner, hopeless case, give up, abandon ship. I downloaded the file and opened it, skimmed it.... that's it? There are seven comments. No comments on my method, just a few suggestions to make the concept of academic quality more clear. Wow. I'm stunned. I don't know what to think. Could it be that I might actually be allowed to pass this hurdle? The skeptic in me says there must be a catch.

Look, here's another one of those decision points. I'm ready to drive off the cliff into the swamp, even though it looks like I just received good news. The chronic malcontent has the last word.