Welcome to Critterville

In my current dogsit, I sleep on my own mattress, hauled in from my minivan, spread out on the carpeted floor of the family room in front of the fireplace. I have found it is better for my character to sleep on a hard unforgiving slab of maximum density concrete-level foam rubber. A 1-inch layer of memory foam on top of the 3-inch foam is my only concession to comfort. And my binky, of course. A few feet away, my 4-legged charge snores on an 8-inch thick round of polyester batting held in place by a zippered cover of plush beige fleece. When she's curled up in the middle, you can hardly see her. To each her own.

A few nights ago, I heard something buzzing. I wasn't sure if it was my ear, which produces a shrill chatter once a minute for about fifteen seconds or some fresh hell descending on my already mildly hellish life. Then the buzzing stopped, but my ear kept on going, and that's when I knew we had a problem in paradise.

"Is that a cicada in the house?" I mused to the dog as I turned in circles in the middle of the room. The sound seemed to come from everywhere. I don't trust my hearing for obvious reasons. The noise echoed from the mantel. I poked around with my flashlight but saw nothing moving. See previous post about my eyes being tuned to spot small critter movements behind decorative objects. I bent down and shined the light up the chimney. The noise stopped.

"A-ha," I said to the dog. "We've found the intruder."

As soon as I turned off the light, the noise resumed. Yelling up the chimney did nothing. Banging my hand on the marble hearth was futile. I didn't sleep well that night, dreaming of giant bugs coming down the chimney and swarming my bed. 

The next morning I Googled "crickets in the house." During the night I'd had plenty of time to reflect on the nature of the annoying noise, and I realized it didn't sound like a cicada. It sounded like a manic cricket, not the peaceful Jiminy Cricket kind of cricket, who sings pleasant songs outside your window to lull you to sleep. This was Jiminy on steroids, a dude with a lot to say and a sense of urgency about saying it. Spotted ground cricket, Google AI suggested. 

The next night, the cricket was back, but I had moved on to my next critter nightmare.

That afternoon, Maddie indicated something was amiss on the patio. I saw a young mouse-shaped thing cowering under a plastic stool in the corner by the round patio table. If it had been a cockroach, you can bet I would have been screaming (inside, don't want to upset the neighbors). However, having grown up with pet gerbils and a white rat, I wasn't particularly grossed out. It was just a tiny gray fuzzy thing with a very long tail. 

"Looks like his eye is messed up," I said to Maddie. She edged closer. "No, I don't think so, there will be no  mouse chomping on this patio." 

We both watched as the mouse ran along the wall. 

"You better not," I warned the dog. I opened the sliding patio door and stepped back to let the dog into the house. 

What happened next happened fast. The mouse scampered along the bottom of the sliding door and slipped between my feet into the house.

"No, no, no, not happening! Maddie, homeland security! Get that mouse!"

Maddie stood and watched as I got my dustpan and whisk broom (recently purchased at Walmart but not for mouse-catching purposes). 

"Good thing it can't see very well," I muttered as I cornered the mouse by Maddie's plush round bed, thinking what the heck? I'll never dogsit again. My dogsitting career is ruined. How will I explain to the homeowner that there is a mouse in the house?

"Come on, Maddie, a little help here?"

The mouse ran under the couch, came out the other side, and ran straight into my foam mattress. Clearly, it wasn't tracking very well. I chased it around the perimeter of the mattress with my whisk broom, wondering what rodent god would inspire that mouse to get on the dustpan. It occured to me it would probably not stay on the dustpan for long. Plan B! I hurried across the room to the side table that held my laundry basket, dumped my dirty laundry on the recliner, and went after the mouse with the broom again. 

Failure was not an option. After some scuffling, the mouse ran into the basket. 

I held up my prisoner in triumph, dizzy and breathing hard. I took it outside and set it on the patio table, leaving Maddie to sniff around the family room floor with a perplexed expression, like, what just happened here? 

The mouse hunkered in the corner of the basket while I gave it a jar lid of water and a few peanuts. I poked half a dozen blueberries through the holes in the laundry basket and covered the basket with a kitchen towel. Now what? 

I Google wildlife rescue near me, called some numbers, left some messages, sent a photo with a text. I texted the homeowner and received a phone call immediately. I explained the situation: found an injured mouse, looking for a rehab outfit, yada yada, more to be revealed. The homeowner suggested I should let it go in the fenced area behind the orange tree.

"I want that thing as far away from the house as possible," I declared. This was before I knew that I'd have to drive that mouse many miles away, otherwise it would find its way back, and not only that, abandoning a mouse outside its territory would be a cruel act that would inevitably result in suffering and death. 

"You should just kill it," the homeowner said. 

"I am not a murderer!"

The next morning the mouse was still alive. I received a text from a critter rescue: "Ah, poor little roof rat. Sorry, can't take it, I'm all full up. Thanks for caring."

More Googling informed me the best course of action was to humanely kill the baby rat by bashing its head in. 

I made a little house out of a cardboard box, furnished it with a dish of water and some paper towel bedding. I set it behind the orange tree in the protected area fenced off from marauding chihuahuas. Then I took the laundry basket over there, tilted it on its side, and watched with satisfaction as the mouse scurried into its new abode. 

"Nothing fancy, but it's home," I said. "Good luck to you."

Two days later I checked the box. The mouse was gone. I had some moments of altruistic self-satisfaction. Yay me, I saved one of god's less offensive creatures. 

Yesterday I was sweeping the gravel off the walkway by the gate and saw some bits of gray fur by the fence. 

"Oh, darn," I said, taking a closer look. The head was quite a few inches away from the tail, smashed in and covered with dust. I couldn't be sure the remains belonged to my former rescue, but it seems likely. 

"Ew," I said and shoved the leftover bits of baby rat under the bushes. 

I skimmed a tiny drowned lizard out of the pool. On the bright side, the cricket has moved on. Silence prevails once again in paradise.

Is the grand experiment really over?

I'm blogging to you once again from beautiful Scottsdale, where the sun almost always shines, and when it isn't, the wind is howling, the dust is blowing, and pools are filling up with scummy dead leaves. It's as close to paradise as you can get in the desert. I'm sure it will be lovely for a long time, right up until the moment when the acquifer under our feet runs dry. Until then, water that lawn! Green is the new black. 

I think I have mastered the fine art of pool maintenance. Maybe I can turn my skills into my next career, if my dizziness ever lets up. Every time I skim dead flower husks and desiccated leaves, I lean over the blue depths and wonder if I fell in, would I ever find my way back to the surface? Maybe I would choose to stay down there, in the cool deep. Two days ago, it was 115°F, so you can see how I might be tempted. 

Around the corner is a store we call "Blue Collar Fry's" to differentiate it from the "White Collar Fry's," which is located about half a mile up the street. Don't ask me why they have two stores of the same brand so close together, unless it truly is to cater to a different target audience. To me, the Blue Collar Fry's is a gorgeous store, with wide, bright aisles well stocked with home goods, clothing, pet supplies, even some furniture . . . anything you want, they've got it. Compared to the pithole ghetto Tucson Fry's I shop at, the Scottsdale Fry's is the height of upscale luxury. 

I don't have much space for backstock, so I pay more per ounce for everything than I would if I had a house with cupboards and shelves. I can't stock up on anything. It's cheaper per roll to buy twelve rolls of paper towels than it is per roll to buy two. But where would I put twelve rolls of paper towels? In the passenger seat, maybe, along with the twelve rolls of toilet paper and the giant box of Tide. Ha, just kidding. 

I use white vinegar to clean my dish and spoon. I put it in a little Walmart spray bottle. So cute. The pink spray bottle is for vinegar. I have a blue one for water, a purple one for alcohol, and a turquoise one for soap. It's so festive. I store small bottles of vinegar, alcohol, and soap under the floorboard where the stow-and-go seat used to be. It would be cheaper to buy a gallon of white vinegar at a time, but it won't fit down there in the hole. 

Same for clothes, food, you name it. You can get discounts when you buy in bulk, if you have a place to put the stuff. Got a big fridge? Fill it with cheese, go on, why not? 

Speaking of cheese, I visited a dietician last week. She was supposed to give me a vestibular migraine diet, but given that my dizziness probably isn't triggered by food, we ended up discussing my protein deficiency. 

"You only eat twice a day?" she said, shaking her head. "That's not good. You are starving yourself. You need to eat more often, small meals three times a day, plus three snacks. Six times a day. With protein at each meal." 

I pondered that news. On one hand, yay! Unlimited feeding! On the other hand, ugh, fat city, here I come.

"You don't need to lose weight," she said. She obviously couldn't see my bulging belly through my giant fanny pack. "You are going to need those reserves for when you get sick."

Uh-oh, I thought, what does she know that I don't? Is that why she's wearing a mask, is Covid making the rounds of the hospital? Why didn't they tell me at the door? Or has everyone just given up?

"I hear what you are saying," I said. "I don't have an off-switch for certain foods. Crackers, for example."

"No problem! Crackers are okay. You need the salt. Just put some peanutbutter on them so you get some protein."

In the week since my appointment, I've been pretending I can eat like normal people. I got yogurt, I got soymilk, I got peanutbutter, I even got cheese. Why not? She said it was okay. It's been fun. I knew it wouldn't last. My body rose up and rebelled yesterday, as I knew it would eventually. I have learned certain foods just don't sit right. I usually can't remember what effect they have had on me after I eat them, but I carry a residual memory of bad times. Cheese, no good. Soymilk, bad. Yogurt, yum, but not pleasant. However, I have special vacation dispensation, which means when you are not in your normal environment, that is, when you are on vacation, you are allowed to eat whatever and whenever you want. It's a well-known fact that vacation food has fewer calories than home food. 

I'm using my time here on my dogsitting retreat to finish writing a book I've been working on for a year. It's nothing great, just a shameless ploy to earn money from the experience I've gained mentoring artists who have deluded themselves into believing that the world wants to buy their art. They are a unique breed that I understand well, seeing as how I am one of them. I speak their language of martyrdom and longing. I never say your art is no good, go get a day job, even if I am thinking it. There's a market for anything, even a stupid rock in a box, if you can just reach enough gullible people and convince them this thing has value. Yes, it's a rock in a box, but for the low low price of $4.99, it can be your loving no-maintenance pet for life. 

In addition to writing (and eating, pooping, and napping), I started another car-home renovation project. I'm restructuring the shelves in the back. The quality of work is questionable (I'm using 5/8-inch mdf) but so far, it's sturdy enough, once I got the screws in the right places. Heavy as a mahogany desk but not quite so handsome. Once I anchor it down, it should outlast the car (and me), should the car roll down a prickly embankment. I might go flying, but my campstove, T-shirts, and soup cans will survive the trip intact, no problem. 

It's not a bad thing to hunker down in the wild for a while. Tis the season for laying low. I'll emerge from hiding to cast my tiny vote and then fade back into the safety of the forest.  As long as some doofus with firecrackers and guns doesn't set the place on fire, I can ride out the turmoil. I hope by the end of the year, any uneasy ripples in the American zeitgeist will be subsiding. I'll be like a packrat in a burrow. I will stick my nose out and sniff the air. If the coast seems clear, I'll mingle with the hoi poloi at fancy Frys or plebeian Walmarts. However, I'm aware half this country would like to kill me. If the grand experiment seems to be headed for the rocks, well, I'll put on my old white lady invisibility cloak, lurk in the background, and do whatever small things I can do to right the ship. 

Please get off my eighth cranial nerve

I cleared out of Bugville on Monday. On Tuesday morning, I arrived at the neurologist's clinic two hours early for my long-anticipated 8:00 a.m. followup appointment. I made coffee on my camping stove in the parking lot. No way was I going to be late. Or uncaffeinated. 

The Tucson skies were blessedly cloudy. Clouds meant higher than normal humidity; clouds also meant relief from the sun, which turns my car into a stifling hothouse. 

Just as I finished forking over my copay, the doctor's assistant called my name. She led me through a maze of hallways to the doctor's office. I sat in one of the visitor chairs. The doctor was already seated behind her big mahogany desk. She pointed to a young woman in scrubs sitting at a laptop by the window.

"This is Sheena. She'll be our scribe today."

"Hi, Sheena," I said. Old 12-Step habit, hard to break.

I sat in the chair, feeling numb and disconnected. I pulled out the 3-part script I'd prepared at the suggestion of my doctor friend. The remedies you prescribed were ineffective. I would like to try an antiseizure medicine now. Which one would you recommend? That's it. Two statements and a question. 

It didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. The doctor scanned the report from the physical therapist. I could tell by her snippy tone that she wasn't happy with what she was reading. 

"I didn't ask her to diagnose you," she snarled. "I asked her to treat you for BPPV."

"As I understand it, she found nothing to treat," I replied. "She gave me some good balance exercises, though. And she did the hyperventilation test again. You can see her results didn't match yours."

"You don't have vestibular paroxysmia, you have BPPV and vestibular migraine."

"The NIH literature seems to show that the hyperventilation test is not 100% confirmation of the presence or nonpresence of vestibular paroxysmia," I said. "The sample sizes were small, but not all the patients who definitely had vestibular paroxysmia showed evidence of nystagmous."

She looked at me like I had two heads. At least, I think she did. I for some reason was having a hard time making eye contact with anything but the floor. I was kind of on my last nerve.

"Would you be willing to do the hyperventilation test again?" 

I followed her to the exam room. She put the goggles on my head and led me through an abbreviated version of her battery of tests, which consisted of her grabbing my head firmly in both hands and shaking it repeatedly from side to side and up and down. I knew she was watching on her monitor to see how my eyes responded. I'm guessing they didn't. Because I don't have BPPV. Duh. 

"Okay, breathe fast for 40 seconds." She panted to demonstrate proper panting technique. "I'll stand in front of you so you don't fall."

I held onto the exam bench, blinded by the goggles, and panted fast for 40 long seconds. I ignored her warm backside pressing against my knees. 

"Okay, stop." 

She took the goggles off my head. For a few minutes, she didn't say anything. Then she muttered something about a mild left downbeat, and I knew then that she had seen what the physical therapist had seen: possible evidence of vestibular paroxysmia. Yay, I thought. Finally. At last.

"I'll write you a prescription for lamotrigine," she said. "It addresses both vestibular migraine and vestibular paroxysmia. 

"Great. Can you have it sent to a different pharmacy? I'm going to be dogsitting in Scottsdale for a month, starting the day after tomorrow."

Her eyes lit up. For a second she looked human. "You are a dogsitter? It's so hard to find a good dogsitter. I have two big dogs. It's so hard to get away."

"I just dogsit for my friends," I said. I didn't say it: you aren't my friend. 

"We need to look at your most recent bloodwork."

We went back to her office. Her assistant pulled up my labs. 

"January? Where's the WBC number? It's not showing. Can you get this for me? After you get me that number, I'll send the prescription to your pharmacy. Call me when you get it."

I went out to my car, turned on my computer, and found an electronic copy of the January lab report. The WBC value wasn't showing because on the original it was red, indicating an abnormal number. Bummer. Still, it was only one number shy of being in normal range. I still had hope at this point that I would finally get some relief from the freight train going round and round in my head. I called the clinic and left a message with the phone answerer to tell the doctor the WBC number. Then I made my breakfast and ate it. It was 10:30. 

My phone rang. The neurologist said, "You had an irregular heartbeat the first time I saw you. Did you ever contact your cardiologist?"

"No," I said.

"This drug can negatively affect your heart. We need to talk to your cardiologist first. And you need to get more recent labs."

"Okay. Do they need to be fasting labs?"

"Yes."

I searched for Scottsdale appointments at the preferred chain of labs. The earliest I could get was a week away. While I was pondering what to do next, my phone rang. It was the neurologist's medical assistant, asking for some more information. In the course of our conversation, I found out I could get my labs done at the lab on the premises. She also told me that the prescription for lamotrigine had been sent to my pharmacy. Hallelujah!

First thing the next morning, I was sitting in a chair outside the lab at the neurology clinic, head in hands, starving and uncaffeinated, waiting for the phlebotomist to arrive. She was a few minutes late. When you want coffee, even a minute can seem like an eternity. I left bandaged and bruised but feeling so hopeful I went to Denny's for breakfast. It was either Denny's or IHOP. I chose the closest one.

Somewhere during that day I called the cardiologist's office and left a message. Sometime later someone (not my cardiologist) called me back to ask me what the heck was going on. Apparently they had received multiple messages from my neurologist. 

"Sorry for the confusion," I said. "Basically I want to know, will this drug kill me?"

"I'll leave a message for your doctor."

Later I visited the pharmacy. The pharmacist looked up the new prescription. "I have to call your doctor. This makes no sense," she said. "The instructions aren't clear. And I can't put all that on a bottle." After that, I went to the mall and sat in the air conditioning, surrounded by the din of screaming kids riding tiny motorized cars around the food court. When the sun went down, I chose a parking lot to swelter in for the night, and the next morning I left for the air-conditioned haven in Scottsdale. 

Yesterday I was interrupted three times during a Zoom call by a persistent caller whose number didn't appear in caller ID. Finally, I put my Zoom call on hold and answered it. 

"I never heard back from your cardiologist," the neurologist said. "I can't prescribe anything. Your WBC, hemaglobin, and hematocrit numbers are too low."

So here I am, back where I started. Again. I'm trying to feel grateful that the neurologist cared enough not to prescribe a drug that might kill me. I wonder if she realizes how tempting it is to . . .  nevermind. Not going down that road yet. 

Here I am, back in the present moment, bludgeoned by textbook vestibular paroxysmia symptoms in my head and 110°F heat outside the house. The washing machine in my head revs up for its 15-second cycle once per minute, day and night. For about 45 seconds I'm merely dizzy rather than falling over. I lean to the right if I'm not watching where I put my feet (yikes!). Monsoon is coming. I can feel it in my bones and in my head. I will sit it out in Scottsdale, try to stay hydrated, and let you know how it goes. 

Sleeping with the light on

Update on my housing requirements: I was wrong: Cockroaches are a deal breaker. In last week's post, I waffled a bit. Apparently I wasn't sure. Today, I no longer have any doubts. I can abide cockroaches temporarily (while I actively try to kill them), but I will not knowingly choose lodging that is infested. How did I suddenly become so certain? It's not hard to figure out. I've spent the last week fighting cockroaches.

I'm sorry to say, my friend's happy little house in the suburb has a problem. I discovered it the same way I discovered the problem at the Bat Cave, my former abode in an apartment complex in Tucson. The first morning I found a dying cockroach on its back in the den and a lethargic cockroach that had found its way into my shopping bag and marooned itself in my big green coffee cup. Neither one of these bugs was in good shape. My first thought, as I altruistically rescued them and dumped them in the backyard, was that the extermination fumes were working, and that I was seeing only the dregs of something, which I hoped was that these near-dead vermin were in the throes of succumbing to the work of a competent and thorough pest exterminator. 

My first thought, as is often the case, was wildly incorrect. 

During the second night of my stay, I got up to use the bathroom and interrupted a cockroach family hoedown. The scattering of roach babies on the floor in front of the toilet was my first clue, but it took my bleary eyes a moment to process what I was seeing. Then I saw four large adults—when I say large, I mean about one inch long, not counting antennae—hustling to escape under or behind something. 

I hurried to the laundry room and grabbed the first useful weapon I could find: a spray bottle of Clorox. By now the adults had disappeared, but I mowed down the babies. They are easy prey. First they freeze, trying to look like any other inocuous piece of detritus on the floor, and then when they know the jig is up, they run for it. But they are slow and stupid, no match for me with a bottle of Clorox. I cleaned up the mess with baby wipes and hunted around for anything else that was stupid enough to move, but saw nothing.

My heart rate was nicely elevated at this point. I turned on the kitchen light and tiptoed into the kitchen, Clorox poised. I saw nothing skittering at my approach. I moved my food bag off the floor to the stove. As I turned back, my heart fluttered. An enormous cockroach lounged on the kitchen counter, paying no attention to me. When I say enormous, I mean its body was fully two inches long, not counting the antennae that it finally swiveled in my direction. 

"No, no, no, not happening," I said and shot it with Clorox. 

That got its attention. I am not proud to say, I continued to shoot that poor creature with bleach (gets out stains!) as it attempted to make itself scarce under various appliances on the counter. It was like trying to hide a dumptruck behind a bar of soap. Ater a year in the Bat Cave, my eyes are trained to spot minute movement in, under, and behind things. All it takes is one waving antenna to get my radar twitching. This guy was too big to hide. I soaked it in Clorox until it finally ran blindly off the counter and fell, flailing, onto the floor. I sprayed it until it was on its back, legs futilely scurrying in the air, and when it finally seemed dead, I entombed it under a small tupperware container. I peered at it through the hazy plastic and eventually deemed the fight over, battle won, chalk one up to me. Then I turned off my video camera. Yes, I got the whole sordid episode on video. At that point, I was thinking, I need evidence to show my friend, in case she didn't know already, that all was not right in the happy house.

Since then, the battle has raged, mostly in the bathroom. I pinpointed the infestation to the wall behind the vanity. On Monday, I got two kinds of nontoxic bug spray and proceeded to nuke the baseboards all around the bathroom. Nontoxic apparently doesn't mean without stench: essential oils will scrape your eyeballs out of your head if you don't have some ventilation, I discovered. Still, inhaling pungent lemongrass was worth it if I could get the bugs to stop bugging me.

The next day I acquired a can of Raid and went to town all along the bathroom baseboards. I did the kitchen for good measure, even though I hadn't seen any more action there since the godawful fight with the monster. As the body count mounted, I realized I could not leave the carcasses lying there as evidence. Evidence of what? If my friend wasn't aware the house was infested, then leaving a bunch of dead bugs for her to find would be mean and purposeless. I found a whisk broom and dustpan and did what had to be done.

It's been a week now since I first discovered I am not alone in this house. The stench of lemongrass lingers. I sleep with the bedroom light on. When I venture out to use the bathroom at night, I arm myself with the Zevo bottle. I turn on the hall light and scan the floor. If I see an enemy, I chase it down and spray it until it dies. I leave the body as a warning to others. Then I turn on the kitchen light, just to be sure there are no meandering intruders. Finally, I turn on the bathroom light. Every night so far, I have seen one or two adults recreating on the floor by the vanity. With the bottle of Zevo, I am merciless. 

This morning I gingerly entered the bathroom and found a dead cockroach on the floor, one I did not kill. Unless I have been befriended by an anonymous vigilante superhero, I can now have hope that the Raid is doing its magic behind the vanity. I will not let my guard down, though, because I know what I've seen is probably just the tip of the cockroach iceberg. A few nocturnal wanderers means there are lots of babies and grandpas lounging around in the nest. The babies will grow up to be jihadists.

If God is a cockroach, I'm going to hell for sure. I don't get pleasure out of killing God's creatures. If I have to live with pests, I'd prefer spiders, small ones, please, and preferably not venomous. I don't like spiders either, but they do good, and they don't have an attitude. You know what I mean? If you have been around cockroaches, you understand. Cockroaches are arrogant. They know they own the world and will inherit the earth when humans self-annihilate, which will probably happen in my lifetime. Cockroaches can afford to be cocky. 

I might think I have won the battle to save the happy house (delusion), but I know I will lose the war. Yes, before I leave I will check my bags carefully for stowaways. I prefer to travel alone.

The chronic malcontent lacks the energy to dramatize

I left Flagstaff on Thursday. Now I'm plant-sitting for a week for a friend who lives in a small house in a housing development in the City of Marana, about 30 minutes north of Tucson. Outside of this housing development is raw, rough, scrubby desert, where riffraff like me would belong. I know this because I got lost finding my way here. 

The contrast between have and havenots is stark when I contrast the two neighborhoods. Inside the housing development, residents walk their dogs along manicured sidewalks past tidy gravel lawns. The houses are crammed wall to wall with the barest minimum between them, so I can hear the neighbor's AC unit roaring outside my bedroom window, and they no doubt can hear ours. In contrast, outside this enclave the roads are gravel, the dirt lawns are decorated with dented cars and RVs, and the houses are mostly mobile homes that look like they fetched up on the land in the great flood and have been sheltering generations ever since.

However, no matter where you live in the desert, the odds of living with pests and critters are 100%. Case in point, I'm sharing the kitchen with some American cockroaches. Judging by their condition, the extermination chemicals are still working, but it might be time for another application. I don't care. I had hoped never to have to share living space with cockroaches again, but I'm a transient. I'll be on my way in a week. Meanwhile, I'm keeping my food bag up off the floor. 

After driving over hill and dale last week, I was relieved to finally find free camping in the national forest just north of Flagstaff. It was a dusty campsite, but I relished the shade among the Ponderosas, happy as an impostor camper can be to have cell signal, which means I had internet and could watch my late night talk shows. Yes, I'm an impostor camper. After four days of isolation, I find I get hungry for civilization. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to socialize. But I find it reasuring somehow to rub shoulders with the hoi poloi in some small-town Walmart Supercenter. It feels like affirmation that I'm still part of the human species. Not that I'm proud of that fact (any species that invented big box stores should be exterminated), but now I get it: You can take the girl out of the city, but the city is still in the girl, no matter where she roams. 

Speaking of roaming, I'm pretending to enjoy my freedom, just like I pretend to be a camper. Just like I pretended to enjoy golfing when I had a boyfriend who golfed. Like I pretended to like jazz when I had a boyfriend who played jazz. The truth is, I'm just an unhoused person who is seeking accommodation on my own terms. My terms are not unreasonable: I want a city that is not too hot, not too cold, not too big, not too small, and I want a space with no roommates. It has to be affordable. And preferably have no cockroaches. I'm not sure cockroaches are a dealbreaker, to be honest. In addition, as long as I'm making my wish list, I'd like a place that isn't prone to tornadoes or tsunamis. Or wildfires or earthquakes. Hm. That pretty much excludes every place except Corvallis, Oregon.  

I don't want to live in my car, but I'm glad I have this car so I can live in it while I drive around and try to find a home. Considering the lack of affordable housing in this country right now, I could be driving for a while. I'm predicting I will find something before I turn seventy. 

I was supposed to arrive at my friend's house on Friday evening. We were going to have dinner. I drove four hours, descending from the cool northern climes into the hell of Tucson heat. 

She sent a text: Too busy with work, can we meet Saturday morning instead? 

I texted back:  Sure, no problem (heart emoji). 

We agreed I would come over at 7:00 a.m. That left me to find shelter from the heat for rest of the day and night. I activated my survival plan: I took my laptop to the mall to sit in the frigid AC until the sun went down. (The sun, once my beloved friend, is now my arch enemy.) After sunset, I went to the gym for a little while, pretended to work out, and then drove to the Home Depot up the street. I chose a parking spot away from the store, near some bushes, where I've parked before, and proceeded to put up my window covers. Immediately my car interior became stifling. I busted out my little fan. It's an amazing gizmo: You put water in the top and it pretends to blow cool air on you. Don't underestimate the power of the placebo, people. 

Early the next morning, I was trying to follow the GPS Lady's instructions to get to my friend's house. She got me there, even though I didn't believe her, and thus caused myself to get lost. I'm used to it. Getting lost is how I roll. Anyway, I finally parked outside my friend's house. 

As I was about to text her, she texted me: Can you come at 10:00 instead? (head exploding emoji)

I texted back:  Of course, no problem (heart emoji). 

She texted: Maybe you can get some more sleep (heart, sleep emoji)

The strangeness of my living situation swept over me. I tried to picture it. Go back to the Home Depot parking lot and try to sleep with cars, trucks, and pallet moving equipment coming and going around me? Pee in a jar, hunkered below window level, in broad daylight? Not impossible, but not wise for a stealth camping impostor. 

What do you think I did? Yep. I went to Walmart. After that soothing injection of humanity, I got gas, dumped trash, and refilled my water jugs. I ate breakfast in my car, parked in some parking lot, can't recall now. Walmart adjacent, I think. 

I try not to think too much. It's easy to overdramatize my situation. Lots of people have it much worse than me. I'm lucky to have good friends. And internet. Don't ask me to choose between friends and internet. I know I'm an internet addict, which means I might be an impostor friend. 

Death by mountain

I survived. Obviously, because I'm writing this blogpost. I survived. Seems like I've typed that phrase before. I survived. This is what my life has come to, measuring my success by how close to death I have come. I'm starting to find living on the edge of destruction kind of tedious. Okay, tedious might not express the full range of emotion. Truth: I'm terrified.

This week, I climbed toward higher climes, as I mentioned in the most recent post, which right now means the Flagstaff area. I knew exactly where I was going, the same forest road I visited last fall to escape the Phoenix heat. I found the place easily. I had to go a long ways into the forest before I found an open campsite. I spent one night. I would have stayed longer but I didn't have any bars on my internet phone. No bars meant no unlimited data internet. 

So after one peaceful night, I packed up, consulted the forest service map, and retraced my route south a bit, aiming for a place called Kelly Canyon. I hoped that because it was close to the highway, I might have more luck getting online. The GPS goddess led me there with no mishaps. I steered my car through the trees along a nicely graded gravel road. The few campsites I could see were already occupied. I passed a square pond in a depression in the land and headed up the hill, hoping for more options. Around a sharp bend the road suddenly veered steeply downward toward a gravel pit. A pickup truck was parked in the middle of the pit, a long ways below. I looked at the steep road down and remembered a time in my adolescence when I rode my bicycle down a similarly steep rocky road, holding on for dear life. Letting go of the handlebars would have meant total annhilation. I didn't let go. I survived. 

This time, I wasn't riding a bike. However, a Dodge Grand Caravan is not an off-road four-wheel drive monster. I wasn't about to chance it. Across the pit, a little higher elevation from where I was idling on the cliff edge was the road I had not taken. A smooth, steep wall of gravel led from that road to the bottom of the pit. It looked like gravel was being dumped there to . . . extend the road? Fill in the pit? I didn't know, and I wasn't about to go down there and find out. I carefully backed my car into a 3-point turn and hightailed it back down to less scary ground. 

I parked in a spot I had disdained on the way in, a very small, not quite level clearing much too close to the gravel road. Beggars, choosers. I checked my phones. Still no internet bars. Argh. Oh well. 

Just after I parked, a pickup truck pulling a trailer came by. We waved. He pulled into a clearing near the pond but didn't set up camp. A few minutes later, he came by the other way. As he passed my camp, he paused and smiled, before continuing onward. I thought, that was weird, that smile. A moment later, a large brown cow came around the front of my car. I gasped and closed my side door a bit as the creature lumbered by, heading toward the pond. That's what the driver had been smiling at. He could see I was about to be invaded by cows. 

Another cow rambled past on the back end of my car, avoiding my deployed solar panel. I reopened my door and looked out. A herd of cows was assembling at the pond. The correct term would probably be tank, because it was clearly a rancher-made watering hole. 

I was settling in for a nice lunch when I heard the noise of a growling engine coming along the road. I thought, great, what maniac motorhome owner was coming my way. It was not a motorhome. It was a large dumptruck loaded with gravel. Just my luck.

The driver waved. I waved back. I thought, okay, one truck, a bit of noise and dust, no problem. Within minutes, four other dumptrucks came by. I assume they unloaded at the gravel pit, because minutes later, they all came by again, going back toward the highway. This happened multiple times over the early afternoon, a parade, a grumble, a rumble of dumptrucks, going by fully loaded, returning empty. Eventually they called it a day, and I spent an okay night there, but I knew I had to move on the next day. I needed bars. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I don't drink any more. 

The next day was a day from hell. GPS, iOverland reviewers, the forest road map, and Google Maps all let me down. At one point my sister texted me directions to a place (4 stars! Easy to get to!). Not. No open spaces. I never made it to the supposedly 4-star camping area. I stopped at the sign that said no camping beyond this point, no turn around. I turned around while I still could. 

A little later, I got stuck in construction traffic, trying to find a place to camp along Marshall Lake. No open spots, no bars. Next, I went south on 260 though Strawberry and Pine, after hearing positive things about the Mogollon Rim Road (FR 300). Not three minutes in, the road hairpinned straight to the moon. I almost got run down by loaded log trucks. I headed back south on 260. At a promising turnoff, I almost got stuck in a ditch when I backed up, trying to avoid going down a steep rocky road that would have probably broken one or both of my axles. 

It was close to 100F outside. Every time I turned off the AC, I felt a few more brain cells evaporate into dust. Desperate, I parked under a shade canopy at a community college in Payson to text my Scottsdale friends who have a cabin outside of Payson, begging to park in their driveway. They had invited me to visit in a few days, so it seemed to make sense to ask if I could go there early. Lucky for me, my friend gave me directions to the place. 

Even though I had hit my quota of driving on gravel mountain roads for one day, I dutifully obeyed the GPS lady as she led me up a long mountainous gravel road. I found their chalet without driving into a ditch or off a cliff, parked out front, and opened my car door into shocking silence. The absence of sound was stunning for a moment. Then I heard birds, neighbors doing stuff, a car engine across the road, a door slam, and birds . . . lots and lots of birds. 

The homeowner told me where to find the spare key and walked me through the steps to turn on the water and power. I shucked my shoes and cautiously entered the mountain eyrie, which is where I am blogging to you from, in a lightfilled room, sitting at a kitchen table with room for six, and listening to the soothing rumble of a working refrigerator. (Did I mention I have a portable fridge in my car on this trip? Sadly, I can't find the power cord.)

What have I learned? Flat gravel and dirt roads are doable in a minivan if they aren't too washed out. Mountainous gravel and dirt roads shared with dumptrucks and log trucks are not doable, especially when you have no way of knowing if there will be a place you can turn around when you inevitably encouter a section that seems impassable. It's like sending a blind person out into traffic. Ascending or descending narrow mountain gravel roads is not a good idea; doing it with no cell signal is a an admission of defeat, a nose-thumb at the universe, a behavior just this side of intentional self-destruction. Only a fool would take a minivan on a road dominated by log trucks. Only someone who doesn't care if they live or die would do it without cell service. 

So, now here I am, perched in this mountain chateau. My friends arrived last night, laden with food, accompanied by the little dog Maddie. Right now, they are out hiking while I sit in the comfort of their kitchen, writing this post and trying to process my feelings of surreality and dissociation. So much learning going on. I'm overwhelmed with the immensity of survival. And I live in America! It could be so much worse. If you have to be old and homeless, this is the place to be. Time to take a big bite of that steaming stinky humble pie. 

In over my head

One of my jobs as dogsitter the past two weeks was to be the keeper of the swimming pool. Until this season, the pool had been inoperational, covered with a heavy canvas tarp. Over the winter, the homeowner replastered, and now the pool is a sapphire gem, glistening in the blazing desert sun. However, like little dogs, pools apparently don't maintain themselves. When the homeowner described the job, I readily agreed. I hadn't killed the dog yet. What damage could I do to a pool? 

There were multiple facets to the pool gig. I quickly mastered the task of adding chlorine tabs to the floating dispenser. Every other day, I swept the detritus of leaves and desiccated flowers off the pool deck. Then I skimmed the scum of leaves and palm tree pollen off the pool surface with a long-handled net. Next, I emptied the strainer basket that received the leaves that got sucked in through the vent in the pool wall. The strained stuff got dumped into a large plastic flower pot, whose sole purpose apparently was to receive the pool garbage. 

In addition, I had been told to unkink the vacuum hose when it twisted itself into knots from wandering in aimless circles across the bottom of the pool. The vacuum itself, a breadbox-sized plastic canister, attached to a hole in the side of the wall with a short blue hose. This contraption was supposed to hang just below the surface. Unfortunately, it had a tendency to float and suck air, making it ineffectual. The homeowner proudly pointed out his ingenious hack for keeping the canister submerged: He'd hung a flat, round five-pound weight on a hook on the canister.

"Wait until the pump stops and then gently untwist the hose," he said. 

"No problem," I said. 

The first few days of my pool-sitting gig were easy. The pump woke and slept according to a timer, the vacuum cleaner roamed the pool bottom, and the hose remained unkinked. Then one morning I came out to find the hose had pretzeled. The Roomba at the end of the hose was stuck where it had been grinding in tiny angry circles on the side of the pool wall, now frozen in place when the pump timer shut off. I hurried to untangle the hose, knowing the pump would come on around 9:00 a.m. 

I leaned out over the blue abyss and grabbed the floating vacuum hose. A couple twists ought to do it, I thought. What happened next happened in slow motion, but not slow enough for me to do anything to stop it. The blue hose fell out of the slot in the wall. Untethered, the canister sank. As it sank, it turned over like a breaching whale. The weight slipped off the hook and plunged down the side of the pool wall to the bottom of the deep end.

I stood there looking at the canister, now bobbing on the surface, wondering what fresh hell is this? I knew I needed to get that weight back on the canister, pronto. Wait, the net. I got the long-handled scoop net and reached down through the rippling water. I poked at the weight and after some tries, managed to get it partway up the side of the pool toward the surface, before it slipped back down to the depths. Damn. 

I ruminated on my options. 

1. I could wait two weeks for the homeowner to return to find a scummy infected pool. 
2. I could dive down to the deep end to rescue the weight and risk drowning, thereby leaving the little dog Maddie without care for two weeks, whereupon the homeowner would return to find a hangry dog gazing longingly at my dead body (meat) floating in the pool just out of reach.
3. I could try shoving the weight across the bottom of the pool, like I was practicing for a curling competition. 

Because I'm alive to write this blogpost, I think you can tell I didn't choose option #2. As it turned out, the long-handled net wasn't a bad curling broom. After some long hot tense minutes, I was able to shove the weight bit by bit across the bottom of the pool to the shallow end. 

I did a victory dance, shucked my shoes, and stepped fully clothed into the water. Cold! I carefully descended the steps. I wasn't going to put my head underwater (dizzy!). But I was able to hook the weight with my big toe and hoist it to the surface. 

The weight was gooey, a bit sticky, as if the coating was coming off. I figured the chlorine was doing a number on the rubberized surface. Ick. That's when I realized the goo had come off on the pool plaster. I waited for the water to calm and saw with dismay the weight had left a trail of black marks from deep end to shallow, marring the freshly plastered pool surface. 

Oh, no, I said, seeing the end of my life fast approaching. 

Maybe I could rub the marks off. I clambered out of the pool, heavy with dripping water, and put on one sock. I went back down the steps and rubbed my foot against the marks in the shallow end. There were many. I was able to reduce them, but not remove them completely. 

I climbed out of the pool and walked along the edge, peering down into the water. Sure enough, the trail of marks zig-zagged back across the pool bottom to the spot where the weight had fallen. A set of black skid marks down the side of the pool wall showed where the weight had originally fallen. A second set of marks showed where I'd tried and failed to raise the weight with the net. I paced the pool deck, wishing my eyes deceived me. Nope. The trail led all the way to the shallow end, where a flurry of marks showed how I'd tried to maneuver the weight into a position I could reach.

The evidence of my poor pool caretaking was impossible to hide. My mind churned in desperate circles. Maybe the chlorine would eat away the marks. Maybe the stupid Roomba would brush them off. Maybe they would fade in the sun. Right. Maybe I would have to pay for pool replastering. Maybe the homeowner would murder me when he got home. 

I went about the rest of my pool chores like a zombie, until I went to lift the strainer basket and saw a drowned lizard resting in peace at the bottom. I stared down at the speckled body. Could it be alive, still? Did these things live underwater? (Hey, I'm a city kid, what do I know?) I shook the basket. Nope, clearly deceased. Now what? I couldn't put the dead lizard in the big flower pot with the dead flowers. Best option would have been to scoop it up with a doggy poop bag and put it in the trash bin with all the dog poop but I wasn't about to touch the little waterlogged rubbery creature. Ew. 

I carried the strainer basket over to a tall hedge of flowered bushes and dumped the dead lizard in there, thinking it would fall through the branches to the ground and be eaten by its brethren. I didn't care what ate it, actually, as long as it wasn't Maddie. The dead lizard did not fall through the bushes. It fell belly up, arms and legs splayed, and stayed there for the next few days, gradually evaporating. I checked it daily.

I felt bad for the lizard but I felt worse for me. Those marks on the pool plaster were not going away. I got into the pool forums and started reading advice from experts. Don't drain the pool, they said. Try 400-grit wet dry sandpaper, they said. I hadn't slept well, ridden by vague anxiety dreams, fretting about the wrath I feared I would soon be facing. I began preparing my story. Well, you see, when I was unkinking the hose . . . Each time I rehearsed my story, I would get to the part about me shoving the weight across the bottom of the pool and start to giggle. 

This is serious, I kept telling myself. The homeowner is going to be pissed! You might not get your dogsitting payment! You might have to pay for replastering! He might sue you!

I thought about that. Blood from a stone, is what came to mind. The next day I tried and failed to take a nap. After a few minutes, I bolted upright, told Maddie I would be back soon, and drove down the road to Autozone to get some fine-grit wet-dry sandpaper. 

Back at the pool, I shucked my clothes, oblivious to the harsh sun, wrapped a piece of sandpaper around my foot and sunk to my waist into the shallow end, holding onto the steps so I wouldn't lose my balance and forget which way was up. I got busy rubbing the marks at the foot of the steps. Hallelujah! They disappeared! 

I rubbed at the marks I could reach, moving along the path the weight had taken, until my foot could no longer touch the bottom of the pool. At that point, with proof of concept, I was starting to feel as if I might survive the return of the homeowner. I left the rest of the sandpaper in the package on the kitchen counter and proceeded to enjoy my pool-sitting gig. 

Last night the homeowner returned. As he sifted through the mail, he indicated he might be playing pickleball early the next morning. 

"Before you rush off, there's something I need to show you about the pool," I said.

"What is it?" he said in alarm.

"I can't show you in the dark."

"Can't you just tell me? Now I won't sleep," he complained. 

"It's really best to show you in daylight," I said.

"Did something happen?"

"Well . . . "

"Did the weight fall off?"

After that, the story came out. Judging by the homeowner's response, this was not the first time the weight had fallen off the canister. I didn't get to tell the story the way I'd carefully rehearsed it, but at least I wasn't dragging my guilt and fear around with me any longer.  

I still don't think he realizes how bad the marks are. But it seems he will not be killing me or sueing me right away. I'm typing this at his kitchen table. Tomorrow I will brave the Tucson heat to visit my mailbox, my storage unit, and the pharmacy. Then I'm away to higher climes, lest I desiccate like that lizard in the desert sun.

There will be no rolling

Morning sniff walks with the small dog called Maddie are both tedious and fraught. I can only describe Maddie's approach to walking as conflicted. She likes to be in charge. Unfortunately, she's a very small dog. She doesn't see it that way. I can be sure Maddie will do something crazy at least once during our walk. 

We have a routine before we get out the door. First, I say, "Do you want to go for a walk?" I can't be sure but I think Maddie hears that question as bla bla bla walk? She sits on her narrow bony haunches and looks at me with huge brown liquid untrusting eyes. As soon as I pick up the little red harness and leash, she skulks away into the family room, just far enough so she can still see me in case she needs to bolt under the dining room table if I come too close. I dig a little heart-shaped smoky chicken-flavored treat out of the ziplock bag and hold it up. She looks at it, then looks away, then looks sideways at it. She smells it. She wants it. In her mind she's saying, give me that thing, I will rip your lips off, mine, must have it, but wait, no, no, not the evil red constraint on my freedom, no, no, but wait, cookie, mine, in my belly, now!

"Treat!" I say. She knows the word. She gazes back and forth at the little morsel and then at the harness and leash. 

I step back and point to her crate. "Box!" 

She rolls her eyes and slinks into the crate. I kneel down and hold the harness in front of her chest. Up goes her right paw. I quickly position the harness so her foot will come down in the right place. She stiffly raises the other paw, like someone is pulling her marionette strings. I maneuver the harness. Then I lean in and snap the connection at the back of her neck. With one hand I give her the treat. "Good girl!" I say. With my other hand, I grab the leash and connect it to the rings at the back of the harness. She is now my prisoner. 

With that, our fight is over. She plods along with me while I put on my sunglasses and sunhat and grab the front door key. She follows me to the stairs and waits patiently, licking her chops, as I sit on the lowest step and switch my sandals for sneakers. Out the door we go. As soon as the front door closes, she is energized. She strains toward the wide world of enticing smells as I strain to lock the door behind us. 

Mornings in Scottsdale are wondrous. The air is cool and fresh. The sun, my enemy, is still just waking up, a weak imitation of the fierce moisture sucking monster it will soon become. 

Maddie chooses the path and pace. I follow her lead. I know all the routes now. Thanks to Maddie's shrewd discerning nose, I also know all the canine message boards of the neighborhood. Signposts, big metal boxes that proclaim high voltage, don't fence me in, and, of course, the occasional fire hydrant. Certain bushes, rock piles, and clumps of grass are interesting for some reason. At that hour of the morning, sprinkler systems have just watered the many front lawns. The sparkling green is like eye candy to me, a reminder of home. I mean, my former home.

When we get to the green space, the sniff walk takes on new tension. Other dogs are walking their owners along the winding concrete path, and some are not on leash. When I see another dog approaching, I've learned to stop and watch Maddie closely. If she is starting to rev up for a lunge, I rush her up the grassy slopes to let the other dog pass by. Maddie won't take on a really big dog, but dogs her size or smaller are fair game. Sometimes her tail wags, but usually she is on full-body quiver, ready for anything. Her modus operandi is lunge first before they know what hit them. 

At least once per walk, I am yanking the leash so her front feet on off the ground saying "No, no, no, no, be cool, be cool, no barking, chill out," which I am guessing she hears as no no no bla bla bla.

"Oh, is she a rescue?" someone asked today as they called back their tiny spindly legged critter, who I am sure only wanted to say hello. 

I excuse my high strung charge's behavior by saying, "I'm the dogsitter," which is really my way of saying please don't judge me, it's not my fault I haven't done a better job of training and controlling this neurotic chihuahua-poodle nutcase. The dog owner's expression combined confusion, criticism, and pity. Like, that's such a cute dog, what is wrong with you? 

When we are off the main dogpath/bike path and onto the path that goes along the backs of houses, where an alley would go, we both relax and get busy with the business of sniffing. Walk, walk, walk, stop and sniff. Walk, walk, whoa, stop and sniff, something amazing here! Pile of poop! Dead bird! Oh, the odiferous joys!

A dozen times per walk, Maddie gets a look of ecstasy on her face. She stops. Her shoulder goes down. "No, no!" I yell, hauling quickly up on the leash before she does a full-body roll in the grass. "No rolling, there will be no rolling!" I pull her back to her feet. She grins at me and resumes trotting along the verge of the concrete, nose to the ground, tail up sometimes, sometimes tail down, always quivering at the panoply of smells. I assume. After I pick up her leavings, I close my nostrils to all input. 

I think she likes to test my limits. She's already won the fight over the couch (I'm on a foam pad on the floor), and so she probably thinks I'm a pushover for rolling. Wet green muddy grass rich with the fecund smells of dog poop, pee, who knows what else, what could be more fun than to do a full-body roll in that heavenly stink. I've never tried it so I can only guess. 

Brief respite of normal

I've landed in Scottsdale for a couple weeks to serve as the beck-and-call girl for the little dog called Maddie. I'm looking forward to getting some important work done on this visit between feeding the bottomless pit and scooping poop. A little writing, some car stuff, but mainly sleeping. I am appreciating indoor plumbing and fast wifi. On the downside, I'm at the beck and call of a dog with four hollow paws and a delusion that she works for Homeland Security.

On Wednesday I drove Maddie's pet parents to the airport in their Tesla. Yep. I can now claim I have driven a Tesla. One moment I'm homeless, the next I'm driving a . . . well, I'm still homeless, no matter what moment it is. I try not to use the term homeless. I prefer nomad for now. Nomad hints at the potential for adventure that lies around literally every curve in the road, snakes notwithstanding. I'm taking the curves and corners and snakes as they come as I explore the state of Arizona.

Meanwhile, the summer heat is beginning to ramp up. I don't think it's hit triple digits yet here, but it's close. Soon this place will be unlivable for nomads who can't escape the sun. The dry heat saps the moisture from my cells and leaves me listless and weak. On the upside, the repaired backyard pool is a glowing sapphire gem surrounded by blazing hot concrete, inviting me to get lost in the depths while I develop a case of melanoma. 

This dogsit gig is a metaphorical ledge in my nomad free fall. I know it's a short respite. I'll be back in July, but I'm planning what comes in June with a mixture of fear and anticipation. It's all about elevation, people. Soon, I must go up. I admit to feeling some reluctance. Even after just a few days, I'm taking electricity and running water for granted. Those things seem so normal, until you don't have them. 

Swerving through the week

I'm blogging to you today from the windy high desert plateau near Sonoita, Arizona. If you are wondering what this terrain looks like, go watch some old Westerns. Many were shot on location here on the Empire Ranch. I've told you about this place before. It's a working ranch, which means cattle roam freely across the valley, working hard at becoming fat for your dinner table. Not my dinner table, I don't eat anything that would run from me if it could. Or kill me, if it felt inclined. When they stroll through camp, I respectfully retreat to my car. These cows are not to be messed with. 

Neither are snakes. This week, I've seen three, all doing the same thing: crossing the road in front of me. Twice I was on a dirt road, so I stopped. It seemed the prudent thing to do. The third time I was on a two-lane highway, with traffic coming toward me. I should have stopped, but chose to swerve and almost didn't live to be writing this blogpost. Next time, the snake dies. That is all I'm going to say on this topic.

This week I visited four towns: Benson, Tombstone, Bisbee, and Patagonia. Everyone said I should check them out. All four towns are within a couple hours' drive from Tucson. My intention was to escape the Tucson heat, and these places were on the way to higher elevation, so it made sense to give myself a tour of the area. Plus, one of these towns could conceivably be my next home base. As I've mentioned, I'm pretty much over Tucson. 

Each town had a unique personality. 

Benson was all about trains. Amtrak actually stops there, the woman in the visitor center told me. Trains have interested me for a long time. I grew up not terribly far from a train track, and we used to cross over the track on a viaduct as we walked to high school (pre-school bus days). I remember getting excited when I happened to cross the viaduct just as a train was coming through. That was probably more about the thrill of having a train rush through underneath me than it was about trains in general. I took a train when I moved to Los Angeles in 1977 but only because airfare was so expensive. I've never had a desire to, like, work for BNSF or Amtrak, though. So, all that to say, Benson, too small, too trainy.

Tombstone was a weird fake western ghost town reminiscent of Frontierland. The main street was dirt, cars prohibited. As I walked along the wooden plank boardwalks past real saloons, I saw small posses of gun-toting men in jeans, vests, cowboy boots, spurs, and ten-gallon hats. What's more, they all seemed to be wearing badges, which you know can't be right. There have to be some villains in town. Sure enough, I found one. A long-in-the-tooth badge-wearing cowboy (transplant from Minnesota) invited me to dinner after his shootout comedy show. I guess the few dames in town (identifiable by their straggly show-girl dresses) had turned him down. He must have really been desperate to ask me out. I smoothed the front of my stained smelly t-shirt and politely declined. Tombstone's great tourist attraction is the shootout at the OK Corral. I don't care for guns. If I were willing to put on a costume (preferably spurs), I could probably get a job in Tombstone and live in the nearby trailer park next door to Lonesome Cowboy. No thanks.

I was really curious about Bisbee. Bisbee is purportedly all about art, and I saw quite a few galleries when I dared to look at anything but maneuvering my car up and down the steep narrow streets to find a hidden parking lot to spend the night. I could see the attraction of the place. It's picturesque, unique, and charming, despite the fact that a couple played their stereo in the car next to me for two hours in the wee hours of the morning. However, Bisbee to me was all about the massive crater known as the Lavender Pit Mine, a wound left on the land by the copper mining industry. I felt deeply disturbed coming around the bend just outside the historic town and seeing that yawning hole. It did not make me proud to be a human, to know I have benefited from the copper that was blasted out of innocent mountains. No, I will not be moving to Bisbee, to be constantly reminded of how I have been part of the descrecration of the land. 

Patagonia (population 800 for the past 100 years) was about mining and ranching. The visitor center was closed but I stopped in a mining office that had a sign in the window welcoming visitors. The mining enthusiast there greeted me eagerly and told me all about the mining still going on in Patagonia (not strip mines or pits, no these are all underground, with a smaller-than-700 acre footprint, easy on the environment, you betcha). Not gold, copper, or silver. No, nowadays, zinc is the new gold. And manganese. We need zinc and manganese for electric cars, apparently. It's the American way, tear up the earth so we can smelt it down to power our excursions into the country where we destroy more pristine habitat in our quest for peace and quiet. 

Up here on the cattle ranch, sitting out of the wind in my tin can fossil-fuel burning minivan, looking out over the vistas at the cattle roaming slowly through the grass, I can almost see the attraction of ranching. My grandfather was a cattle rancher in Eastern Oregon, so I could claim a slight relationship with ranching (although I claim no affinity). I used to want a horse. I don't remember ever wanting cows. Or sheep, goats, pigs . . . I'm a city kid forced into a weird car camping adventure by circumstance. I really like camping up here on the Empire Ranch, but I don't think I will be choosing to live in Sonoita or Patagonia or some other ranching mecca. 

Writing and drawing, blogging and mentoring . . . these activities can happen anywhere I have an occasional internet connection. I can't imagine being a cattle rancher who happens to write fiction on the side. Nor do I see myself as a writer who keeps a few head of cattle. I can imagine taking a train to Boston to see my sister, but don't expect me to be the sleeping car attendant. Along those lines, I don't reckon I'll be out panning for zinc or manganese anytime soon.

So, here I am again, learning by process of elimination where I don't belong. It's useful, but it's a lot of work, to choose a home by crossing every other place off the list of possibilities. If I live long enough, I might actually find the place I'm looking for, if such a place exists. One thing for sure, I will not up and move to a place I haven't thoroughly checked out, and that means shopping at their stores, printing my car insurance ID cards in their libraries, and sleeping in their Walmart parking lots. You don't really know a town until you've slept in your car on a backstreet with one eye open, waiting for the knock.

Losing sight of normal

I've been a nomad for a little over a month, skulking mostly around Tucson. The plan was to stick around for the month of April for a series of vestibular therapy appointments, and when they were done, I'd be cured and free to move on from this dusty windy incinerator. You might have noticed it's May now. I received my discharge summary from the PT (in short, nothing wrong with you, nothing I can treat). I have one more medical appointment tomorrow for a different issue, and after that I can adventurously seek out Walmarts in other cities. That will be fun.

What is wrong with this picture? 

No, I don't mean that picture. I mean, the picture of me getting used to (looking forward to?) finding new Walmart parking lots to sleep in. Is that normal? I don't think that is normal, but I can't be sure anymore. Nothing seems normal when all my routines have been obliterated. 

You've heard of the story about the frog in boiling water? The frog didn't get into the kettle while it was boiling. No normal frog would do that. No, the frog was just lounging in a kettle of water, enjoying some quiet time. Then, some mean human came along and turned the heat up under the kettle. You can imagine. Gradually the water got warm. The frog enjoyed it at first (mmm, jacuzzi). By the time the frog realized it was about to parboil, its spindly little legs were too weak to let the frog jump out of the kettle. Hence, lunch. 

Humans do something like that, too, according to the psychologists. Supposedly when our living conditions deteriorate gradually, we adapt to these conditions instead of changing them. By the time we realize we are effed, we are too effed up to escape. Boom. We are lunch.

It's not a perfect analogy to describe my situation. For one thing, I saw my living conditions deteriorating from a long way off, and I took action to mitigate the worst of it before I ran out of resources and had to give up. Second, and maybe more to the point, where would I "escape" to? A subsidized senior housing complex over by the I-10 freeway? Even if I wanted to stay in Tucson, and even if I could get onto the waitlist, I would rather live in my car. Who wants to live in a tenement building full of tottering old folks? (Said the tottering old folk). I just want my freedom. Is that such a surprise? I totally understand why houseless people prefer tents to institutionalized shelters. 

Speaking of tents, no. It's over 90°F outside. I'm coming to you from the food court inside the Tucson Mall. It's one of the few enclosed malls left, and let me tell you, I am super grateful for this mall and its covered parking area. Some of the Tucson libraries are nice, but their hours are limited, and they would not appreciate me jabbering on Zoom calls. The Mall is not ideal, but maybe it's my new normal, to be sitting at a table that is too tall for the chair, shaking out the pins and needles in my arms every few minutes. I'm learning to let the waves of noise wash past me with the hordes of shoppers, all of whom seem to be pushing their children in little red plastic cars that make fake motor sounds. It's the new normal. I sleep in a Walmart parking lot next to a road that turns into a race track on Saturday nights. I can new-normal my way through just about anything.

Next week, I hope to get out and up in elevation to beat the heat. I hope I can find some free camping on BLM land, but I'll settle for a new Walmart. Then I'll breeze back through Tucson, pick up my meds, and head north for a few weeks of dogsitting with the fabulous little maniac dog we call Maddie. That's the plan, anyway, unless conditions turn me in a new direction. 

The quest to matter

It might be human nature to want to feel significant, to know we've made a difference by existing. I remember reading stories of pioneers who transversed the plains on their way to the Willamette Valley to steal land from the natives already living there. As they urged their plodding oxen forward, they left their marks on the land in the form of cast-off detritus, wagon wheel ruts, and carvings on Independence Rock, for example. I wonder if those travelers had any idea of their legacy. Now we treasure those acts of littering and vandalism. I think they just wanted to feel like, for a brief moment, they had made their mark, to prove they mattered.

A few weeks ago I camped in a dispersed camping area southwest of Tucson. The small area was crowded with campers, trailers, and motorhomes in various states of disrepair. Some looked like they hadn't moved in months. Huge tent mansions had sprung up around them as the residents sought to expand their living quarters into livable space. The wind whipped those tarps and tent flaps incessantly. 

I tucked my minivan into a space too tiny for anything else, with bushes screening me on three sides. Just behind my liftgate I saw the remains of a campfire ring, now filled with charcoal and some trash, which I put into my garbage bag. As I inspected the ground, I came across a plastic ziplock bag weighted down by a rock. I picked it up. A folded piece of paper was inside. Of course, I opened up the bag and unfolded the paper.

A previous camper had left a handwritten note. He wrote that he had camped in that spot in early March, a month or so before I arrived. He had camped a couple months at the campsite, on his way to something else, he wasn't sure what. During his stop there, he found an excellent Mexican food restaurant, and he met a girl he really liked, apparently another camper. He noted the uncertainty of his journey and reflected on how much he had learned about life and himself by living in his Jeep. A philosopher. He left the note unsigned. 

Reading the note made me think about how easy it is for an uprooted person to feel disconnected from an established community. I haven't felt inspired to leave litter in the form of a note to posterity. However, I too feel the need to matter. 

Imagine packing your important belongings into a Conestoga wagon, buying a team of oxen, and pointing them west. Even though the trail became well established, and there were numerous routes and supports put in place to help travelers cross the plains, it must have been fairly terrifying to turn away from civilization to head toward parts unknown. I'm guessing the frustration of staying stuck in the East caved under the desire for freedom, adventure, land, a new life. Seeds to plant, heads to bust, gold to pan, whatever the impetus, it was enough to motivate those intrepid souls to put it all in a wagon and hit the road. 

My extended road trip is not that romantic. I can't claim any grand motivation. I'm just waiting out the housing shortage. 

I thought about tossing the note in my trash bag. In the end, I put the note back in the ziplock baggy and weighted it down with the rock for someone else to find. I couldn't bring myself to erase the existence of that note. That camper mattered, to me, if to no one else. 

Searching for my tribe

My quest to escape the Tucson heat this week inspired me to relocate to higher elevation. I'd noticed on the weather forecasts that Sierra Vista was consistently four or five degrees cooler than Tucson. 87°F sounded better than 94°F. Thus, on Thursday after my second PT appointment, I headed south. An hour and a half drive brought me to this small city, where thanks to GPS I found the two most important things a city can offer: a library and a Walmart. 

I enjoyed the challenges of learning my way around Sierra Vista. The city has a lovely library, in case you get down this way. I did my laundry at a funky laundromat across from Fort Huachaca. I slept in the Walmart parking lot with quite a few other nomads. I shopped at Walmart a couple times to express my thanks. 

I don't know about you, but I can only stand so much Walmart energy before I have to leave, so after two nights, I checked the map and decided to try to find the BLM camping area that I'd heard about from a guy named Tater, who stopped by my van where I was parked last week next to the currently-on-hiatus Rillito Racetrack. 

I'd been doing some van chores and wondering what fresh hell my life would conjure this week. Tater (not his real name, I hope) drove up in a dented dirty white Chevy Astro panel van. 

"Hey, do you want solar on your roof?" he asked, rolling down his passenger window. 

Starved for human interaction, I trotted over and leaned in. "I like having it portable," I explained. "So sometimes I can park in the shade and still recharge."

He got out of his truck and came around to open his side door. "I do van builds," he said proudly, showing me the inside of his truck. I hummed and nodded to express my appreciation, but to myself I was thinking, dang, I thought I was a slob. All surfaces not covered with clothes, dishes, or other detritus were filmed with a layer of dust. I know that dust.

He lifted the side of his bed to show me his bucket and bag toilet.

"I have something very similar," I said. 

"I've been living in this for nine years."

"Wow," I said. "I just started. I'm a total newbie."

He opened up an app on his phone and showed me a map of the US with hundreds of dots on it. "I've camped at all these places."

"Wow. Have you camped up in the Marana area?" I asked. 

"No, so far I've only seen Snyder Hill," he said. 

I nodded knowingly. "Too crowded. Try Pump Station or Red Rock. Red Rock is gorgeous, if you don't mind being near a shooting range. It's going to be super hot this next week. I'm thinking of heading up in elevation but I'm not sure where to go."

"There are some places near Mt. Lemmon," Tater said.

I filed that for future reference. "I'm wondering about Sierra Vista."

"Yeah, some of the best camping down that way is Las Cienegas."

After leaving Sierra Vista, I headed southwest, looking for a particular road cutting north from the main highway. I disdained the GPS lady, sure I would find my way. The views are wide open! How hard could it be? True to form, I missed the turn and ended up in Sonoita, which is one of those places you'll miss completely if you blink. I parked in an empty lot and checked Maps, which told me to turn around and go back about nine minutes. 

I eventually found the entrance to an unpaved road, part dirt, part gravel, that dipped and swerved past a sign that said "This is a working cattle ranch! Leave gates as you found them." I drove over too many cattle guards to count, over hill and dale on the winding dirt road, and somehow managed to miss the camping area again. At least, I think that is what happened. The GPS lady was with me all the way, until she abandoned me in the middle of the road with nothing in sight but grassland, scrubby trees, and blue sky. I kept on driving, thinking any moment I would crest a hill and see my fellow nomads dispersed on the land before me. Nope. 

I took heart when a Sprinter van passed me from the opposite direction. Any minute now, I thought, and kept going. After dipping through some heart-stopping gullies (thinking wow, I'm glad rain is not in the forecast), I finally admitted defeat and consulted Maps again. Apparently I'd almost quit before the miracle. Maps showed me I was only four minutes away from a camping area called Cieneguita. 

And that is where I am blogging at you right now. 

The silence is wondrous. The view in all directions is a mind-boggling panorama of yellow grasslands, scrubby leafless trees, and roaming cows. And don't forget the canopy of blue sky.

Last night a visitor came through camp. I didn't hear a thing, but in the morning I saw the hoof prints and a fresh splat of cowpie, which the flies are enjoying in between trips through my open liftgate and out my open side door. 

This morning as I was practicing the vestibular exercises the PT gave me, standing heel-to-toe next to my car, trying to balance while alternately gazing up at the sky and then down at the dirt, I reflected on my camping experience to date. I'm learning two kinds of camping: city camping (wild camping) and free dispersed camping on BLM land. Both camping styles have their appeal. In the city, I feel connected to other humans, which feels mostly good, but the downside is I have to keep a low profile. No cooking on my campstove, for example. No leaving my windows uncovered at night. Out here on the land, my nearest neighbor is hundreds of yards away. Out here, I feel connected to nature, which I think is probably healthy for me in ways I don't yet fully realize. 

The Chronic Malcontent wobbles into nomad life

My younger brother used to be able to shoot down house flies with rubber bands. That takes some real skill. I don't have that skill. I resort to a spray bottle of alcohol. That used to work well on the house flies in Portland, even the great big ones. 

Here in the Southern Arizona desert, flies are hardy, tough little addicts. Alcohol just excites them. At least that is the way it looks to me. It's possible they are being replaced at the rate I shoot them down, like mercernary infantry who don't care if they live or die. It's possible the carpet is littered with carcasses, and I'll find them at some date long into the future when I do a deep clean on this little caravan. I hung a sheer curtain over the open doorway. It's folded over at the top, and multiple species of flies have congregated at the top of the fold. How they got in there I have no idea. What they are doing there is less of a mystery. I assume they skitter back and forth at the top of the fold because they are seeking the exit. Aren't we all.

Speaking of exit-seeking, I had my first appointment with the physical therapy suggested by the neurologist. We got off to a rocky start—I had failed to notice that one of the three pages I was supposed to fill out had more information on the back (in my defense, the other two pages were blank on the back, and I hadn't eaten anything since evening the day before, fearing she might be putting me through some shenanigans that would motivate me to barf.) Anyway, I think my OCD desire to finish filling out the form mollified her somewhat. She could tell I was a good student.

I was with her for almost two hours. I answered her questions as best I could. She did tests on my vestibular system (obviously not trusting the neurologist's diagnosis), and I'm glad she did her own tests, because as it turned out, she reached a different conclusion. Or rather, she reached no conclusion.

Finally we sat down in opposite chairs. She tapped my knee. "You don't have BPPV," she said. "Your eyes are steady. No nystagmus."

"Okay," I said.

"And I don't think you have vestibular migraines, either," she continued. "Vestibular migraines come like an attack, triggered by something, like food or bright lights. You don't have attacks."

"No, mine is more like waves," I agreed. "Every minute or so, with the ear crackling. Like a downed powerline in my head."

"In my eighteen years of therapy practice, I've never seen anyone like you."

"Oh," I said, feeling both special and bereft. 

"I can't treat you for BPPV," she said. "However, I have one more test I'd like to do, if you will come back one or two more times."

I nodded, picturing my calendar, which had two PT appointments per week for the next month. 

When I mentioned the schedule, she sighed. "The scheduler that day was new. Somewhat overzealous." Then she tapped my knee again. "I don't think you are crazy." 

"Uh . . . "

"You aren't making this up. This is a real thing."

"It is to me."

"Besides the vestibular paroxysmia, there's one other possibility. You might have Triple PD." 

Having read all the literature, real and fake, I knew that PPPD is a catch-all diagnosis that practitioners use when a patient has had a vestibular trauma and can't seem to shake it off. Over time, the patient develops anxiety, fearing the onset of the next attack, and the anxiety seems to keep the vestibular system constantly on edge, leading to chronic imbalance. 

"That is treated with antidepressants," I said. I was thinking to myself, I don't have anxiety, but some of the medications the neurologist mentioned were both antidepressants and epilepsy treatments. Maybe something could be negotiated.

"I agree with you, it makes sense to try the antiseizure drugs to see if they work on the paroxysmia. It's too bad this neurologist is new," she added (news to me). "It's so hard to get other doctors to read reports sometimes."

I'm guessing my future self is going to have to do battle with the neurologist, or maybe try to find a second neurologist who might be open to prescribing antiseizure meds. However, it helps to think the PT might be in my corner. We can hope.

Meanwhile, I'm out on BLM land in a place called Red Rock. The saguaros are incredible. The flies I've already described. The wind knocked over my solar panel, my little outdoor table, and a half-gallon of water, and now it's trying to pry off the blue tarp I bungeed to my car to block the blazing sun. From the inside, it looks like I'm inside an aquarium, except for the incessant flapping noise. I was hoping the wind would die down so I could leave the tarp up all night, but I don't think I can sleep with that going on, so wish me luck, I'm going out to battle the flies, the wind, and the tarp. 

See you next week.

Life comes at everyone

I can only remark that life is so strange so many times before it stops being strange and starts being the new normal. Everyone has challenges. On the continuum of challenges, mine are pretty shallow. Yes, I'm currently living in a very small space, but on the upside, I'm alive. Many people can no longer claim such a miracle. 

There's something great about writing this blogpost in my car listening to a transistor radio playing "ha, ha, ha, beautiful Sunday, my, my, my beautiful day." It's an insipid love song but it might as well be my theme song, at least for today. Oh, sorry. You're still stuck on the words "transistor radio." I know. Crazy. I remember I had one when I was a young teen. It ran on a 9- volt battery. This one runs on two AA batteries, but it's essentially the same thing: a little box that connects me to the outside world, which is especially welcome when I'm out on the BLM land. Unfortunately, the channel choices are slim out there. My options are country, hard rock, classical, hip hop, Spanish, and more country. Classical makes me insane, the hard rock is a little too head-bangy after a while, hip hop would be okay in small doses, and the Spanish channel is so exuberant I feel like taking a nap. So mostly I end up listening to country. I've never been a fan of country music. But it's better than doing van life chores in total silence with only the wind for company. What's more, none of the channels comes in clearly unless I'm holding the radio in my hand, which means I'm an antenna. It's hard to get things done with a radio in my hand all the time. 

That lovely rain I waxed poetic about last week trapped me in the desert for three days. I learned an important lesson: look at the dirt under my feet if I know the forecast calls for rain. The BLM land north of Tucson is not the gravel of Quartzsite. The roads to the camping area are soft red powder. You know what happens when it gets wet? Yes. Mud. No problem if you have 4-wheel drive, which I don't. So there I sat on my little rocky island, looking at the muddy ruts in the road fill with water and wondering how long I would be stuck. The trash bags were piling up, and some of them didn't smell so good, but I was mainly worried about running out of power. No sun means no solar charging. There are few things that make me crankier than running out of power. Imagine how you feel when the electricity goes out in your house. Yeah, like that, but with no utility company to call for the reassuring message telling you how many other households are affected and blaming some idiot for crashing into a power pole. 

On the third day, the sun came out. I charged up my power stations and started feeling better. By this time, though, I was a bit stir crazy. I tried to make a break for the main road and got partway there before I lost traction and had to park it on the rocky verge. I didn't want to risk getting mired in mud. So, there I sat, doing more van life chores, pondering the amazing amount of red mud on my tires, and waiting for the sun to dry up the land enough for me to escape.

I walked up to the main dirt road periodically, checking the condition of the ruts and grooves. Gradually the mush started to firm up. In the early afternoon, vehicles started flying by, mostly jeeps and big pickup trucks. When a small car went by, I knew I could probably get out if I could get from my parking spot to the road. With some careful maneuvering across ruts and between bushes, I eventually made it to the road. I fishtailed gingerly along the road until I came to civilization in the form of actual asphalt pavement. The land out there is beautiful, but roads are pretty nice, too. I was almost giddy to have real traction. The red mud fell off my tires as I roared down the road, singing "Here comes the sun" with the car radio (which has a big antenna, yay, oldies, finally!).

In my new adventure, I've had moments of delight. Stunning sunrises and sunsets. Spacious silence and wide-open vistas. Friendly Walmart parking lots and Walmart employees who show up at the exact moment I need help. The check engine light that comes on, and then goes off, as if to say, don't worry, be happy, it's all good, it's just one of those things. 

Life comes at everyone. It's coming at me, too. Or maybe I'm rushing to meet it. I can't really tell if I'm standing still or moving a million miles per hour through space. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe the trick is to learn to be present, no matter what is happening.

Enjoy the eclipse. 

Home is a state of mind

A new freedom can lead to a new happiness. So they say. I was skeptical. The hardest part, I discovered, is launching from the familiar into the unknown. However, the fear of staying stuck finally outweighed my fear of change, and now here I am, free to start a new chapter. You could call it homelessness. You could call it an epic journey of a lifetime, a quest for my heart's desire. I don't care what you call it. It's not your journey. It's not your life.

Should I tell you about the challenges of living in a vehicle? No, you don't want to hear about the sordid realities of refilling water jugs and dumping plastic bags of poop. You just want to be reassured that I'm okay.

Don't worry. I'm okay. I'm actually more than okay. I'm starting to feel like myself again. Autonomous, independent, free to make my own foolish choices, unconstrained by the shackles of a temporary life that wasn't mine. Now I'm free to search for a new life, maybe a new place, I don't know. Time will tell.

When you don't have a lot of money, freedom requires a small footprint. My mission is to live within my means; hence, the car thing. For now, it's the only way to maintain a semblance of my preferred lifestyle without blowing through the last of my savings. You might be reassured to know I have everything I need (literally) at my fingertips. I can get almost anything just by reaching for it. That's one upside of living in a car. On the other hand, smells. 

Right now, I'm parked on BLM land north of Tucson. The rain that just soaked California is now soaking the desert. The sound of rain on my car roof is oddly soothing. I peer outside my windows through a veil of raindrops. Everything is so green out here. Spring in the desert is pretty amazing. I get why people come here. And I get why they leave along about mid-May. Words don't describe how hard it is to live here without air conditioning when the mercury soars past 95°F. Living in a trailer with metal awnings was hard enough, even with AC. Imagine how much harder it is to live in a car. 

Ah, but living in one's car means freedom to move on! As long as I have gas in the tank and the engine cranks and runs, I'm mobile. Like all nomads, when the season shifts, I will drive away to cooler climes. 

So far, all my moves have been about getting somewhere so I can finally start living. Now I live where I am. This lifestyle is about the journey, not the destination. I can't get lost living like this, because no matter where I am, I'm where I belong, in that moment. Maybe home isn't just one place. Maybe home isn't a place at all. Maybe home is a state of mind rather than a point on a map.