In over my head

One of my jobs as dogsitter the past two weeks was to be the keeper of the swimming pool. Until this season, the pool had been inoperational, covered with a heavy canvas tarp. Over the winter, the homeowner replastered, and now the pool is a sapphire gem, glistening in the blazing desert sun. However, like little dogs, pools apparently don't maintain themselves. When the homeowner described the job, I readily agreed. I hadn't killed the dog yet. What damage could I do to a pool? 

There were multiple facets to the pool gig. I quickly mastered the task of adding chlorine tabs to the floating dispenser. Every other day, I swept the detritus of leaves and desiccated flowers off the pool deck. Then I skimmed the scum of leaves and palm tree pollen off the pool surface with a long-handled net. Next, I emptied the strainer basket that received the leaves that got sucked in through the vent in the pool wall. The strained stuff got dumped into a large plastic flower pot, whose sole purpose apparently was to receive the pool garbage. 

In addition, I had been told to unkink the vacuum hose when it twisted itself into knots from wandering in aimless circles across the bottom of the pool. The vacuum itself, a breadbox-sized plastic canister, attached to a hole in the side of the wall with a short blue hose. This contraption was supposed to hang just below the surface. Unfortunately, it had a tendency to float and suck air, making it ineffectual. The homeowner proudly pointed out his ingenious hack for keeping the canister submerged: He'd hung a flat, round five-pound weight on a hook on the canister.

"Wait until the pump stops and then gently untwist the hose," he said. 

"No problem," I said. 

The first few days of my pool-sitting gig were easy. The pump woke and slept according to a timer, the vacuum cleaner roamed the pool bottom, and the hose remained unkinked. Then one morning I came out to find the hose had pretzeled. The Roomba at the end of the hose was stuck where it had been grinding in tiny angry circles on the side of the pool wall, now frozen in place when the pump timer shut off. I hurried to untangle the hose, knowing the pump would come on around 9:00 a.m. 

I leaned out over the blue abyss and grabbed the floating vacuum hose. A couple twists ought to do it, I thought. What happened next happened in slow motion, but not slow enough for me to do anything to stop it. The blue hose fell out of the slot in the wall. Untethered, the canister sank. As it sank, it turned over like a breaching whale. The weight slipped off the hook and plunged down the side of the pool wall to the bottom of the deep end.

I stood there looking at the canister, now bobbing on the surface, wondering what fresh hell is this? I knew I needed to get that weight back on the canister, pronto. Wait, the net. I got the long-handled scoop net and reached down through the rippling water. I poked at the weight and after some tries, managed to get it partway up the side of the pool toward the surface, before it slipped back down to the depths. Damn. 

I ruminated on my options. 

1. I could wait two weeks for the homeowner to return to find a scummy infected pool. 
2. I could dive down to the deep end to rescue the weight and risk drowning, thereby leaving the little dog Maddie without care for two weeks, whereupon the homeowner would return to find a hangry dog gazing longingly at my dead body (meat) floating in the pool just out of reach.
3. I could try shoving the weight across the bottom of the pool, like I was practicing for a curling competition. 

Because I'm alive to write this blogpost, I think you can tell I didn't choose option #2. As it turned out, the long-handled net wasn't a bad curling broom. After some long hot tense minutes, I was able to shove the weight bit by bit across the bottom of the pool to the shallow end. 

I did a victory dance, shucked my shoes, and stepped fully clothed into the water. Cold! I carefully descended the steps. I wasn't going to put my head underwater (dizzy!). But I was able to hook the weight with my big toe and hoist it to the surface. 

The weight was gooey, a bit sticky, as if the coating was coming off. I figured the chlorine was doing a number on the rubberized surface. Ick. That's when I realized the goo had come off on the pool plaster. I waited for the water to calm and saw with dismay the weight had left a trail of black marks from deep end to shallow, marring the freshly plastered pool surface. 

Oh, no, I said, seeing the end of my life fast approaching. 

Maybe I could rub the marks off. I clambered out of the pool, heavy with dripping water, and put on one sock. I went back down the steps and rubbed my foot against the marks in the shallow end. There were many. I was able to reduce them, but not remove them completely. 

I climbed out of the pool and walked along the edge, peering down into the water. Sure enough, the trail of marks zig-zagged back across the pool bottom to the spot where the weight had fallen. A set of black skid marks down the side of the pool wall showed where the weight had originally fallen. A second set of marks showed where I'd tried and failed to raise the weight with the net. I paced the pool deck, wishing my eyes deceived me. Nope. The trail led all the way to the shallow end, where a flurry of marks showed how I'd tried to maneuver the weight into a position I could reach.

The evidence of my poor pool caretaking was impossible to hide. My mind churned in desperate circles. Maybe the chlorine would eat away the marks. Maybe the stupid Roomba would brush them off. Maybe they would fade in the sun. Right. Maybe I would have to pay for pool replastering. Maybe the homeowner would murder me when he got home. 

I went about the rest of my pool chores like a zombie, until I went to lift the strainer basket and saw a drowned lizard resting in peace at the bottom. I stared down at the speckled body. Could it be alive, still? Did these things live underwater? (Hey, I'm a city kid, what do I know?) I shook the basket. Nope, clearly deceased. Now what? I couldn't put the dead lizard in the big flower pot with the dead flowers. Best option would have been to scoop it up with a doggy poop bag and put it in the trash bin with all the dog poop but I wasn't about to touch the little waterlogged rubbery creature. Ew. 

I carried the strainer basket over to a tall hedge of flowered bushes and dumped the dead lizard in there, thinking it would fall through the branches to the ground and be eaten by its brethren. I didn't care what ate it, actually, as long as it wasn't Maddie. The dead lizard did not fall through the bushes. It fell belly up, arms and legs splayed, and stayed there for the next few days, gradually evaporating. I checked it daily.

I felt bad for the lizard but I felt worse for me. Those marks on the pool plaster were not going away. I got into the pool forums and started reading advice from experts. Don't drain the pool, they said. Try 400-grit wet dry sandpaper, they said. I hadn't slept well, ridden by vague anxiety dreams, fretting about the wrath I feared I would soon be facing. I began preparing my story. Well, you see, when I was unkinking the hose . . . Each time I rehearsed my story, I would get to the part about me shoving the weight across the bottom of the pool and start to giggle. 

This is serious, I kept telling myself. The homeowner is going to be pissed! You might not get your dogsitting payment! You might have to pay for replastering! He might sue you!

I thought about that. Blood from a stone, is what came to mind. The next day I tried and failed to take a nap. After a few minutes, I bolted upright, told Maddie I would be back soon, and drove down the road to Autozone to get some fine-grit wet-dry sandpaper. 

Back at the pool, I shucked my clothes, oblivious to the harsh sun, wrapped a piece of sandpaper around my foot and sunk to my waist into the shallow end, holding onto the steps so I wouldn't lose my balance and forget which way was up. I got busy rubbing the marks at the foot of the steps. Hallelujah! They disappeared! 

I rubbed at the marks I could reach, moving along the path the weight had taken, until my foot could no longer touch the bottom of the pool. At that point, with proof of concept, I was starting to feel as if I might survive the return of the homeowner. I left the rest of the sandpaper in the package on the kitchen counter and proceeded to enjoy my pool-sitting gig. 

Last night the homeowner returned. As he sifted through the mail, he indicated he might be playing pickleball early the next morning. 

"Before you rush off, there's something I need to show you about the pool," I said.

"What is it?" he said in alarm.

"I can't show you in the dark."

"Can't you just tell me? Now I won't sleep," he complained. 

"It's really best to show you in daylight," I said.

"Did something happen?"

"Well . . . "

"Did the weight fall off?"

After that, the story came out. Judging by the homeowner's response, this was not the first time the weight had fallen off the canister. I didn't get to tell the story the way I'd carefully rehearsed it, but at least I wasn't dragging my guilt and fear around with me any longer.  

I still don't think he realizes how bad the marks are. But it seems he will not be killing me or sueing me right away. I'm typing this at his kitchen table. Tomorrow I will brave the Tucson heat to visit my mailbox, my storage unit, and the pharmacy. Then I'm away to higher climes, lest I desiccate like that lizard in the desert sun.

There will be no rolling

Morning sniff walks with the small dog called Maddie are both tedious and fraught. I can only describe Maddie's approach to walking as conflicted. She likes to be in charge. Unfortunately, she's a very small dog. She doesn't see it that way. I can be sure Maddie will do something crazy at least once during our walk. 

We have a routine before we get out the door. First, I say, "Do you want to go for a walk?" I can't be sure but I think Maddie hears that question as bla bla bla walk? She sits on her narrow bony haunches and looks at me with huge brown liquid untrusting eyes. As soon as I pick up the little red harness and leash, she skulks away into the family room, just far enough so she can still see me in case she needs to bolt under the dining room table if I come too close. I dig a little heart-shaped smoky chicken-flavored treat out of the ziplock bag and hold it up. She looks at it, then looks away, then looks sideways at it. She smells it. She wants it. In her mind she's saying, give me that thing, I will rip your lips off, mine, must have it, but wait, no, no, not the evil red constraint on my freedom, no, no, but wait, cookie, mine, in my belly, now!

"Treat!" I say. She knows the word. She gazes back and forth at the little morsel and then at the harness and leash. 

I step back and point to her crate. "Box!" 

She rolls her eyes and slinks into the crate. I kneel down and hold the harness in front of her chest. Up goes her right paw. I quickly position the harness so her foot will come down in the right place. She stiffly raises the other paw, like someone is pulling her marionette strings. I maneuver the harness. Then I lean in and snap the connection at the back of her neck. With one hand I give her the treat. "Good girl!" I say. With my other hand, I grab the leash and connect it to the rings at the back of the harness. She is now my prisoner. 

With that, our fight is over. She plods along with me while I put on my sunglasses and sunhat and grab the front door key. She follows me to the stairs and waits patiently, licking her chops, as I sit on the lowest step and switch my sandals for sneakers. Out the door we go. As soon as the front door closes, she is energized. She strains toward the wide world of enticing smells as I strain to lock the door behind us. 

Mornings in Scottsdale are wondrous. The air is cool and fresh. The sun, my enemy, is still just waking up, a weak imitation of the fierce moisture sucking monster it will soon become. 

Maddie chooses the path and pace. I follow her lead. I know all the routes now. Thanks to Maddie's shrewd discerning nose, I also know all the canine message boards of the neighborhood. Signposts, big metal boxes that proclaim high voltage, don't fence me in, and, of course, the occasional fire hydrant. Certain bushes, rock piles, and clumps of grass are interesting for some reason. At that hour of the morning, sprinkler systems have just watered the many front lawns. The sparkling green is like eye candy to me, a reminder of home. I mean, my former home.

When we get to the green space, the sniff walk takes on new tension. Other dogs are walking their owners along the winding concrete path, and some are not on leash. When I see another dog approaching, I've learned to stop and watch Maddie closely. If she is starting to rev up for a lunge, I rush her up the grassy slopes to let the other dog pass by. Maddie won't take on a really big dog, but dogs her size or smaller are fair game. Sometimes her tail wags, but usually she is on full-body quiver, ready for anything. Her modus operandi is lunge first before they know what hit them. 

At least once per walk, I am yanking the leash so her front feet on off the ground saying "No, no, no, no, be cool, be cool, no barking, chill out," which I am guessing she hears as no no no bla bla bla.

"Oh, is she a rescue?" someone asked today as they called back their tiny spindly legged critter, who I am sure only wanted to say hello. 

I excuse my high strung charge's behavior by saying, "I'm the dogsitter," which is really my way of saying please don't judge me, it's not my fault I haven't done a better job of training and controlling this neurotic chihuahua-poodle nutcase. The dog owner's expression combined confusion, criticism, and pity. Like, that's such a cute dog, what is wrong with you? 

When we are off the main dogpath/bike path and onto the path that goes along the backs of houses, where an alley would go, we both relax and get busy with the business of sniffing. Walk, walk, walk, stop and sniff. Walk, walk, whoa, stop and sniff, something amazing here! Pile of poop! Dead bird! Oh, the odiferous joys!

A dozen times per walk, Maddie gets a look of ecstasy on her face. She stops. Her shoulder goes down. "No, no!" I yell, hauling quickly up on the leash before she does a full-body roll in the grass. "No rolling, there will be no rolling!" I pull her back to her feet. She grins at me and resumes trotting along the verge of the concrete, nose to the ground, tail up sometimes, sometimes tail down, always quivering at the panoply of smells. I assume. After I pick up her leavings, I close my nostrils to all input. 

I think she likes to test my limits. She's already won the fight over the couch (I'm on a foam pad on the floor), and so she probably thinks I'm a pushover for rolling. Wet green muddy grass rich with the fecund smells of dog poop, pee, who knows what else, what could be more fun than to do a full-body roll in that heavenly stink. I've never tried it so I can only guess. 

Brief respite of normal

I've landed in Scottsdale for a couple weeks to serve as the beck-and-call girl for the little dog called Maddie. I'm looking forward to getting some important work done on this visit between feeding the bottomless pit and scooping poop. A little writing, some car stuff, but mainly sleeping. I am appreciating indoor plumbing and fast wifi. On the downside, I'm at the beck and call of a dog with four hollow paws and a delusion that she works for Homeland Security.

On Wednesday I drove Maddie's pet parents to the airport in their Tesla. Yep. I can now claim I have driven a Tesla. One moment I'm homeless, the next I'm driving a . . . well, I'm still homeless, no matter what moment it is. I try not to use the term homeless. I prefer nomad for now. Nomad hints at the potential for adventure that lies around literally every curve in the road, snakes notwithstanding. I'm taking the curves and corners and snakes as they come as I explore the state of Arizona.

Meanwhile, the summer heat is beginning to ramp up. I don't think it's hit triple digits yet here, but it's close. Soon this place will be unlivable for nomads who can't escape the sun. The dry heat saps the moisture from my cells and leaves me listless and weak. On the upside, the repaired backyard pool is a glowing sapphire gem surrounded by blazing hot concrete, inviting me to get lost in the depths while I develop a case of melanoma. 

This dogsit gig is a metaphorical ledge in my nomad free fall. I know it's a short respite. I'll be back in July, but I'm planning what comes in June with a mixture of fear and anticipation. It's all about elevation, people. Soon, I must go up. I admit to feeling some reluctance. Even after just a few days, I'm taking electricity and running water for granted. Those things seem so normal, until you don't have them. 

Swerving through the week

I'm blogging to you today from the windy high desert plateau near Sonoita, Arizona. If you are wondering what this terrain looks like, go watch some old Westerns. Many were shot on location here on the Empire Ranch. I've told you about this place before. It's a working ranch, which means cattle roam freely across the valley, working hard at becoming fat for your dinner table. Not my dinner table, I don't eat anything that would run from me if it could. Or kill me, if it felt inclined. When they stroll through camp, I respectfully retreat to my car. These cows are not to be messed with. 

Neither are snakes. This week, I've seen three, all doing the same thing: crossing the road in front of me. Twice I was on a dirt road, so I stopped. It seemed the prudent thing to do. The third time I was on a two-lane highway, with traffic coming toward me. I should have stopped, but chose to swerve and almost didn't live to be writing this blogpost. Next time, the snake dies. That is all I'm going to say on this topic.

This week I visited four towns: Benson, Tombstone, Bisbee, and Patagonia. Everyone said I should check them out. All four towns are within a couple hours' drive from Tucson. My intention was to escape the Tucson heat, and these places were on the way to higher elevation, so it made sense to give myself a tour of the area. Plus, one of these towns could conceivably be my next home base. As I've mentioned, I'm pretty much over Tucson. 

Each town had a unique personality. 

Benson was all about trains. Amtrak actually stops there, the woman in the visitor center told me. Trains have interested me for a long time. I grew up not terribly far from a train track, and we used to cross over the track on a viaduct as we walked to high school (pre-school bus days). I remember getting excited when I happened to cross the viaduct just as a train was coming through. That was probably more about the thrill of having a train rush through underneath me than it was about trains in general. I took a train when I moved to Los Angeles in 1977 but only because airfare was so expensive. I've never had a desire to, like, work for BNSF or Amtrak, though. So, all that to say, Benson, too small, too trainy.

Tombstone was a weird fake western ghost town reminiscent of Frontierland. The main street was dirt, cars prohibited. As I walked along the wooden plank boardwalks past real saloons, I saw small posses of gun-toting men in jeans, vests, cowboy boots, spurs, and ten-gallon hats. What's more, they all seemed to be wearing badges, which you know can't be right. There have to be some villains in town. Sure enough, I found one. A long-in-the-tooth badge-wearing cowboy (transplant from Minnesota) invited me to dinner after his shootout comedy show. I guess the few dames in town (identifiable by their straggly show-girl dresses) had turned him down. He must have really been desperate to ask me out. I smoothed the front of my stained smelly t-shirt and politely declined. Tombstone's great tourist attraction is the shootout at the OK Corral. I don't care for guns. If I were willing to put on a costume (preferably spurs), I could probably get a job in Tombstone and live in the nearby trailer park next door to Lonesome Cowboy. No thanks.

I was really curious about Bisbee. Bisbee is purportedly all about art, and I saw quite a few galleries when I dared to look at anything but maneuvering my car up and down the steep narrow streets to find a hidden parking lot to spend the night. I could see the attraction of the place. It's picturesque, unique, and charming, despite the fact that a couple played their stereo in the car next to me for two hours in the wee hours of the morning. However, Bisbee to me was all about the massive crater known as the Lavender Pit Mine, a wound left on the land by the copper mining industry. I felt deeply disturbed coming around the bend just outside the historic town and seeing that yawning hole. It did not make me proud to be a human, to know I have benefited from the copper that was blasted out of innocent mountains. No, I will not be moving to Bisbee, to be constantly reminded of how I have been part of the descrecration of the land. 

Patagonia (population 800 for the past 100 years) was about mining and ranching. The visitor center was closed but I stopped in a mining office that had a sign in the window welcoming visitors. The mining enthusiast there greeted me eagerly and told me all about the mining still going on in Patagonia (not strip mines or pits, no these are all underground, with a smaller-than-700 acre footprint, easy on the environment, you betcha). Not gold, copper, or silver. No, nowadays, zinc is the new gold. And manganese. We need zinc and manganese for electric cars, apparently. It's the American way, tear up the earth so we can smelt it down to power our excursions into the country where we destroy more pristine habitat in our quest for peace and quiet. 

Up here on the cattle ranch, sitting out of the wind in my tin can fossil-fuel burning minivan, looking out over the vistas at the cattle roaming slowly through the grass, I can almost see the attraction of ranching. My grandfather was a cattle rancher in Eastern Oregon, so I could claim a slight relationship with ranching (although I claim no affinity). I used to want a horse. I don't remember ever wanting cows. Or sheep, goats, pigs . . . I'm a city kid forced into a weird car camping adventure by circumstance. I really like camping up here on the Empire Ranch, but I don't think I will be choosing to live in Sonoita or Patagonia or some other ranching mecca. 

Writing and drawing, blogging and mentoring . . . these activities can happen anywhere I have an occasional internet connection. I can't imagine being a cattle rancher who happens to write fiction on the side. Nor do I see myself as a writer who keeps a few head of cattle. I can imagine taking a train to Boston to see my sister, but don't expect me to be the sleeping car attendant. Along those lines, I don't reckon I'll be out panning for zinc or manganese anytime soon.

So, here I am again, learning by process of elimination where I don't belong. It's useful, but it's a lot of work, to choose a home by crossing every other place off the list of possibilities. If I live long enough, I might actually find the place I'm looking for, if such a place exists. One thing for sure, I will not up and move to a place I haven't thoroughly checked out, and that means shopping at their stores, printing my car insurance ID cards in their libraries, and sleeping in their Walmart parking lots. You don't really know a town until you've slept in your car on a backstreet with one eye open, waiting for the knock.

Losing sight of normal

I've been a nomad for a little over a month, skulking mostly around Tucson. The plan was to stick around for the month of April for a series of vestibular therapy appointments, and when they were done, I'd be cured and free to move on from this dusty windy incinerator. You might have noticed it's May now. I received my discharge summary from the PT (in short, nothing wrong with you, nothing I can treat). I have one more medical appointment tomorrow for a different issue, and after that I can adventurously seek out Walmarts in other cities. That will be fun.

What is wrong with this picture? 

No, I don't mean that picture. I mean, the picture of me getting used to (looking forward to?) finding new Walmart parking lots to sleep in. Is that normal? I don't think that is normal, but I can't be sure anymore. Nothing seems normal when all my routines have been obliterated. 

You've heard of the story about the frog in boiling water? The frog didn't get into the kettle while it was boiling. No normal frog would do that. No, the frog was just lounging in a kettle of water, enjoying some quiet time. Then, some mean human came along and turned the heat up under the kettle. You can imagine. Gradually the water got warm. The frog enjoyed it at first (mmm, jacuzzi). By the time the frog realized it was about to parboil, its spindly little legs were too weak to let the frog jump out of the kettle. Hence, lunch. 

Humans do something like that, too, according to the psychologists. Supposedly when our living conditions deteriorate gradually, we adapt to these conditions instead of changing them. By the time we realize we are effed, we are too effed up to escape. Boom. We are lunch.

It's not a perfect analogy to describe my situation. For one thing, I saw my living conditions deteriorating from a long way off, and I took action to mitigate the worst of it before I ran out of resources and had to give up. Second, and maybe more to the point, where would I "escape" to? A subsidized senior housing complex over by the I-10 freeway? Even if I wanted to stay in Tucson, and even if I could get onto the waitlist, I would rather live in my car. Who wants to live in a tenement building full of tottering old folks? (Said the tottering old folk). I just want my freedom. Is that such a surprise? I totally understand why houseless people prefer tents to institutionalized shelters. 

Speaking of tents, no. It's over 90°F outside. I'm coming to you from the food court inside the Tucson Mall. It's one of the few enclosed malls left, and let me tell you, I am super grateful for this mall and its covered parking area. Some of the Tucson libraries are nice, but their hours are limited, and they would not appreciate me jabbering on Zoom calls. The Mall is not ideal, but maybe it's my new normal, to be sitting at a table that is too tall for the chair, shaking out the pins and needles in my arms every few minutes. I'm learning to let the waves of noise wash past me with the hordes of shoppers, all of whom seem to be pushing their children in little red plastic cars that make fake motor sounds. It's the new normal. I sleep in a Walmart parking lot next to a road that turns into a race track on Saturday nights. I can new-normal my way through just about anything.

Next week, I hope to get out and up in elevation to beat the heat. I hope I can find some free camping on BLM land, but I'll settle for a new Walmart. Then I'll breeze back through Tucson, pick up my meds, and head north for a few weeks of dogsitting with the fabulous little maniac dog we call Maddie. That's the plan, anyway, unless conditions turn me in a new direction. 

The quest to matter

It might be human nature to want to feel significant, to know we've made a difference by existing. I remember reading stories of pioneers who transversed the plains on their way to the Willamette Valley to steal land from the natives already living there. As they urged their plodding oxen forward, they left their marks on the land in the form of cast-off detritus, wagon wheel ruts, and carvings on Independence Rock, for example. I wonder if those travelers had any idea of their legacy. Now we treasure those acts of littering and vandalism. I think they just wanted to feel like, for a brief moment, they had made their mark, to prove they mattered.

A few weeks ago I camped in a dispersed camping area southwest of Tucson. The small area was crowded with campers, trailers, and motorhomes in various states of disrepair. Some looked like they hadn't moved in months. Huge tent mansions had sprung up around them as the residents sought to expand their living quarters into livable space. The wind whipped those tarps and tent flaps incessantly. 

I tucked my minivan into a space too tiny for anything else, with bushes screening me on three sides. Just behind my liftgate I saw the remains of a campfire ring, now filled with charcoal and some trash, which I put into my garbage bag. As I inspected the ground, I came across a plastic ziplock bag weighted down by a rock. I picked it up. A folded piece of paper was inside. Of course, I opened up the bag and unfolded the paper.

A previous camper had left a handwritten note. He wrote that he had camped in that spot in early March, a month or so before I arrived. He had camped a couple months at the campsite, on his way to something else, he wasn't sure what. During his stop there, he found an excellent Mexican food restaurant, and he met a girl he really liked, apparently another camper. He noted the uncertainty of his journey and reflected on how much he had learned about life and himself by living in his Jeep. A philosopher. He left the note unsigned. 

Reading the note made me think about how easy it is for an uprooted person to feel disconnected from an established community. I haven't felt inspired to leave litter in the form of a note to posterity. However, I too feel the need to matter. 

Imagine packing your important belongings into a Conestoga wagon, buying a team of oxen, and pointing them west. Even though the trail became well established, and there were numerous routes and supports put in place to help travelers cross the plains, it must have been fairly terrifying to turn away from civilization to head toward parts unknown. I'm guessing the frustration of staying stuck in the East caved under the desire for freedom, adventure, land, a new life. Seeds to plant, heads to bust, gold to pan, whatever the impetus, it was enough to motivate those intrepid souls to put it all in a wagon and hit the road. 

My extended road trip is not that romantic. I can't claim any grand motivation. I'm just waiting out the housing shortage. 

I thought about tossing the note in my trash bag. In the end, I put the note back in the ziplock baggy and weighted it down with the rock for someone else to find. I couldn't bring myself to erase the existence of that note. That camper mattered, to me, if to no one else. 

Searching for my tribe

My quest to escape the Tucson heat this week inspired me to relocate to higher elevation. I'd noticed on the weather forecasts that Sierra Vista was consistently four or five degrees cooler than Tucson. 87°F sounded better than 94°F. Thus, on Thursday after my second PT appointment, I headed south. An hour and a half drive brought me to this small city, where thanks to GPS I found the two most important things a city can offer: a library and a Walmart. 

I enjoyed the challenges of learning my way around Sierra Vista. The city has a lovely library, in case you get down this way. I did my laundry at a funky laundromat across from Fort Huachaca. I slept in the Walmart parking lot with quite a few other nomads. I shopped at Walmart a couple times to express my thanks. 

I don't know about you, but I can only stand so much Walmart energy before I have to leave, so after two nights, I checked the map and decided to try to find the BLM camping area that I'd heard about from a guy named Tater, who stopped by my van where I was parked last week next to the currently-on-hiatus Rillito Racetrack. 

I'd been doing some van chores and wondering what fresh hell my life would conjure this week. Tater (not his real name, I hope) drove up in a dented dirty white Chevy Astro panel van. 

"Hey, do you want solar on your roof?" he asked, rolling down his passenger window. 

Starved for human interaction, I trotted over and leaned in. "I like having it portable," I explained. "So sometimes I can park in the shade and still recharge."

He got out of his truck and came around to open his side door. "I do van builds," he said proudly, showing me the inside of his truck. I hummed and nodded to express my appreciation, but to myself I was thinking, dang, I thought I was a slob. All surfaces not covered with clothes, dishes, or other detritus were filmed with a layer of dust. I know that dust.

He lifted the side of his bed to show me his bucket and bag toilet.

"I have something very similar," I said. 

"I've been living in this for nine years."

"Wow," I said. "I just started. I'm a total newbie."

He opened up an app on his phone and showed me a map of the US with hundreds of dots on it. "I've camped at all these places."

"Wow. Have you camped up in the Marana area?" I asked. 

"No, so far I've only seen Snyder Hill," he said. 

I nodded knowingly. "Too crowded. Try Pump Station or Red Rock. Red Rock is gorgeous, if you don't mind being near a shooting range. It's going to be super hot this next week. I'm thinking of heading up in elevation but I'm not sure where to go."

"There are some places near Mt. Lemmon," Tater said.

I filed that for future reference. "I'm wondering about Sierra Vista."

"Yeah, some of the best camping down that way is Las Cienegas."

After leaving Sierra Vista, I headed southwest, looking for a particular road cutting north from the main highway. I disdained the GPS lady, sure I would find my way. The views are wide open! How hard could it be? True to form, I missed the turn and ended up in Sonoita, which is one of those places you'll miss completely if you blink. I parked in an empty lot and checked Maps, which told me to turn around and go back about nine minutes. 

I eventually found the entrance to an unpaved road, part dirt, part gravel, that dipped and swerved past a sign that said "This is a working cattle ranch! Leave gates as you found them." I drove over too many cattle guards to count, over hill and dale on the winding dirt road, and somehow managed to miss the camping area again. At least, I think that is what happened. The GPS lady was with me all the way, until she abandoned me in the middle of the road with nothing in sight but grassland, scrubby trees, and blue sky. I kept on driving, thinking any moment I would crest a hill and see my fellow nomads dispersed on the land before me. Nope. 

I took heart when a Sprinter van passed me from the opposite direction. Any minute now, I thought, and kept going. After dipping through some heart-stopping gullies (thinking wow, I'm glad rain is not in the forecast), I finally admitted defeat and consulted Maps again. Apparently I'd almost quit before the miracle. Maps showed me I was only four minutes away from a camping area called Cieneguita. 

And that is where I am blogging at you right now. 

The silence is wondrous. The view in all directions is a mind-boggling panorama of yellow grasslands, scrubby leafless trees, and roaming cows. And don't forget the canopy of blue sky.

Last night a visitor came through camp. I didn't hear a thing, but in the morning I saw the hoof prints and a fresh splat of cowpie, which the flies are enjoying in between trips through my open liftgate and out my open side door. 

This morning as I was practicing the vestibular exercises the PT gave me, standing heel-to-toe next to my car, trying to balance while alternately gazing up at the sky and then down at the dirt, I reflected on my camping experience to date. I'm learning two kinds of camping: city camping (wild camping) and free dispersed camping on BLM land. Both camping styles have their appeal. In the city, I feel connected to other humans, which feels mostly good, but the downside is I have to keep a low profile. No cooking on my campstove, for example. No leaving my windows uncovered at night. Out here on the land, my nearest neighbor is hundreds of yards away. Out here, I feel connected to nature, which I think is probably healthy for me in ways I don't yet fully realize. 

The Chronic Malcontent wobbles into nomad life

My younger brother used to be able to shoot down house flies with rubber bands. That takes some real skill. I don't have that skill. I resort to a spray bottle of alcohol. That used to work well on the house flies in Portland, even the great big ones. 

Here in the Southern Arizona desert, flies are hardy, tough little addicts. Alcohol just excites them. At least that is the way it looks to me. It's possible they are being replaced at the rate I shoot them down, like mercernary infantry who don't care if they live or die. It's possible the carpet is littered with carcasses, and I'll find them at some date long into the future when I do a deep clean on this little caravan. I hung a sheer curtain over the open doorway. It's folded over at the top, and multiple species of flies have congregated at the top of the fold. How they got in there I have no idea. What they are doing there is less of a mystery. I assume they skitter back and forth at the top of the fold because they are seeking the exit. Aren't we all.

Speaking of exit-seeking, I had my first appointment with the physical therapy suggested by the neurologist. We got off to a rocky start—I had failed to notice that one of the three pages I was supposed to fill out had more information on the back (in my defense, the other two pages were blank on the back, and I hadn't eaten anything since evening the day before, fearing she might be putting me through some shenanigans that would motivate me to barf.) Anyway, I think my OCD desire to finish filling out the form mollified her somewhat. She could tell I was a good student.

I was with her for almost two hours. I answered her questions as best I could. She did tests on my vestibular system (obviously not trusting the neurologist's diagnosis), and I'm glad she did her own tests, because as it turned out, she reached a different conclusion. Or rather, she reached no conclusion.

Finally we sat down in opposite chairs. She tapped my knee. "You don't have BPPV," she said. "Your eyes are steady. No nystagmus."

"Okay," I said.

"And I don't think you have vestibular migraines, either," she continued. "Vestibular migraines come like an attack, triggered by something, like food or bright lights. You don't have attacks."

"No, mine is more like waves," I agreed. "Every minute or so, with the ear crackling. Like a downed powerline in my head."

"In my eighteen years of therapy practice, I've never seen anyone like you."

"Oh," I said, feeling both special and bereft. 

"I can't treat you for BPPV," she said. "However, I have one more test I'd like to do, if you will come back one or two more times."

I nodded, picturing my calendar, which had two PT appointments per week for the next month. 

When I mentioned the schedule, she sighed. "The scheduler that day was new. Somewhat overzealous." Then she tapped my knee again. "I don't think you are crazy." 

"Uh . . . "

"You aren't making this up. This is a real thing."

"It is to me."

"Besides the vestibular paroxysmia, there's one other possibility. You might have Triple PD." 

Having read all the literature, real and fake, I knew that PPPD is a catch-all diagnosis that practitioners use when a patient has had a vestibular trauma and can't seem to shake it off. Over time, the patient develops anxiety, fearing the onset of the next attack, and the anxiety seems to keep the vestibular system constantly on edge, leading to chronic imbalance. 

"That is treated with antidepressants," I said. I was thinking to myself, I don't have anxiety, but some of the medications the neurologist mentioned were both antidepressants and epilepsy treatments. Maybe something could be negotiated.

"I agree with you, it makes sense to try the antiseizure drugs to see if they work on the paroxysmia. It's too bad this neurologist is new," she added (news to me). "It's so hard to get other doctors to read reports sometimes."

I'm guessing my future self is going to have to do battle with the neurologist, or maybe try to find a second neurologist who might be open to prescribing antiseizure meds. However, it helps to think the PT might be in my corner. We can hope.

Meanwhile, I'm out on BLM land in a place called Red Rock. The saguaros are incredible. The flies I've already described. The wind knocked over my solar panel, my little outdoor table, and a half-gallon of water, and now it's trying to pry off the blue tarp I bungeed to my car to block the blazing sun. From the inside, it looks like I'm inside an aquarium, except for the incessant flapping noise. I was hoping the wind would die down so I could leave the tarp up all night, but I don't think I can sleep with that going on, so wish me luck, I'm going out to battle the flies, the wind, and the tarp. 

See you next week.

Life comes at everyone

I can only remark that life is so strange so many times before it stops being strange and starts being the new normal. Everyone has challenges. On the continuum of challenges, mine are pretty shallow. Yes, I'm currently living in a very small space, but on the upside, I'm alive. Many people can no longer claim such a miracle. 

There's something great about writing this blogpost in my car listening to a transistor radio playing "ha, ha, ha, beautiful Sunday, my, my, my beautiful day." It's an insipid love song but it might as well be my theme song, at least for today. Oh, sorry. You're still stuck on the words "transistor radio." I know. Crazy. I remember I had one when I was a young teen. It ran on a 9- volt battery. This one runs on two AA batteries, but it's essentially the same thing: a little box that connects me to the outside world, which is especially welcome when I'm out on the BLM land. Unfortunately, the channel choices are slim out there. My options are country, hard rock, classical, hip hop, Spanish, and more country. Classical makes me insane, the hard rock is a little too head-bangy after a while, hip hop would be okay in small doses, and the Spanish channel is so exuberant I feel like taking a nap. So mostly I end up listening to country. I've never been a fan of country music. But it's better than doing van life chores in total silence with only the wind for company. What's more, none of the channels comes in clearly unless I'm holding the radio in my hand, which means I'm an antenna. It's hard to get things done with a radio in my hand all the time. 

That lovely rain I waxed poetic about last week trapped me in the desert for three days. I learned an important lesson: look at the dirt under my feet if I know the forecast calls for rain. The BLM land north of Tucson is not the gravel of Quartzsite. The roads to the camping area are soft red powder. You know what happens when it gets wet? Yes. Mud. No problem if you have 4-wheel drive, which I don't. So there I sat on my little rocky island, looking at the muddy ruts in the road fill with water and wondering how long I would be stuck. The trash bags were piling up, and some of them didn't smell so good, but I was mainly worried about running out of power. No sun means no solar charging. There are few things that make me crankier than running out of power. Imagine how you feel when the electricity goes out in your house. Yeah, like that, but with no utility company to call for the reassuring message telling you how many other households are affected and blaming some idiot for crashing into a power pole. 

On the third day, the sun came out. I charged up my power stations and started feeling better. By this time, though, I was a bit stir crazy. I tried to make a break for the main road and got partway there before I lost traction and had to park it on the rocky verge. I didn't want to risk getting mired in mud. So, there I sat, doing more van life chores, pondering the amazing amount of red mud on my tires, and waiting for the sun to dry up the land enough for me to escape.

I walked up to the main dirt road periodically, checking the condition of the ruts and grooves. Gradually the mush started to firm up. In the early afternoon, vehicles started flying by, mostly jeeps and big pickup trucks. When a small car went by, I knew I could probably get out if I could get from my parking spot to the road. With some careful maneuvering across ruts and between bushes, I eventually made it to the road. I fishtailed gingerly along the road until I came to civilization in the form of actual asphalt pavement. The land out there is beautiful, but roads are pretty nice, too. I was almost giddy to have real traction. The red mud fell off my tires as I roared down the road, singing "Here comes the sun" with the car radio (which has a big antenna, yay, oldies, finally!).

In my new adventure, I've had moments of delight. Stunning sunrises and sunsets. Spacious silence and wide-open vistas. Friendly Walmart parking lots and Walmart employees who show up at the exact moment I need help. The check engine light that comes on, and then goes off, as if to say, don't worry, be happy, it's all good, it's just one of those things. 

Life comes at everyone. It's coming at me, too. Or maybe I'm rushing to meet it. I can't really tell if I'm standing still or moving a million miles per hour through space. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe the trick is to learn to be present, no matter what is happening.

Enjoy the eclipse. 

Home is a state of mind

A new freedom can lead to a new happiness. So they say. I was skeptical. The hardest part, I discovered, is launching from the familiar into the unknown. However, the fear of staying stuck finally outweighed my fear of change, and now here I am, free to start a new chapter. You could call it homelessness. You could call it an epic journey of a lifetime, a quest for my heart's desire. I don't care what you call it. It's not your journey. It's not your life.

Should I tell you about the challenges of living in a vehicle? No, you don't want to hear about the sordid realities of refilling water jugs and dumping plastic bags of poop. You just want to be reassured that I'm okay.

Don't worry. I'm okay. I'm actually more than okay. I'm starting to feel like myself again. Autonomous, independent, free to make my own foolish choices, unconstrained by the shackles of a temporary life that wasn't mine. Now I'm free to search for a new life, maybe a new place, I don't know. Time will tell.

When you don't have a lot of money, freedom requires a small footprint. My mission is to live within my means; hence, the car thing. For now, it's the only way to maintain a semblance of my preferred lifestyle without blowing through the last of my savings. You might be reassured to know I have everything I need (literally) at my fingertips. I can get almost anything just by reaching for it. That's one upside of living in a car. On the other hand, smells. 

Right now, I'm parked on BLM land north of Tucson. The rain that just soaked California is now soaking the desert. The sound of rain on my car roof is oddly soothing. I peer outside my windows through a veil of raindrops. Everything is so green out here. Spring in the desert is pretty amazing. I get why people come here. And I get why they leave along about mid-May. Words don't describe how hard it is to live here without air conditioning when the mercury soars past 95°F. Living in a trailer with metal awnings was hard enough, even with AC. Imagine how much harder it is to live in a car. 

Ah, but living in one's car means freedom to move on! As long as I have gas in the tank and the engine cranks and runs, I'm mobile. Like all nomads, when the season shifts, I will drive away to cooler climes. 

So far, all my moves have been about getting somewhere so I can finally start living. Now I live where I am. This lifestyle is about the journey, not the destination. I can't get lost living like this, because no matter where I am, I'm where I belong, in that moment. Maybe home isn't just one place. Maybe home isn't a place at all. Maybe home is a state of mind rather than a point on a map. 

Some things don't change

I was sifting through my hundreds of raw source drawings, created over many years of sitting in meetings trying not to argue, cry, laugh out loud, or fall asleep. I'm old, so I've been to many meetings. That means I have many drawings. Almost all of them were drawn on lined journal notebook paper, so the quality is terrible. I do my best to clean them up and downsize them so they don't take forever to download. As I was scrolling through the list, looking for today's selection, I came across this one and realized, hey, that's right. I've been homeless before.

Looking back from the ripeness of old age, it seems to me that being homeless when you are young is way cooler than it is when you are old, wrinkled, and slow. Being a young bohemian has that hipness factor, or it could. I never had it, I was always the pathetic person my friends felt obligated to help by lending a couch for a night or by buying me breakfast. I still have some of those friends. Amazing. 

Eventually I figured out a way to exist in the world and started paying my way, until old age, poverty, and the shortage of affordable housing caught up to me. Rather than burn through the last of my savings, I have opted, as you know, to downsize and go on an extended road trip until something changes. I'm open to whatever. Maybe the housing supply will catch up to demand (hey, it could happen). Maybe I'll win the lottery (unlikely, considering I don't play). Maybe I'll roll my car and it will all be over. 

Meanwhile, life goes on and I'm doing my best to live it with style and panache, but within my limited means. If you've read this blog (which nobody does, so I feel free to say what I want), then you know I've downsized into my minivan, which I fondly call The Beast. Well, no, I haven't named it yet. Van lifers often name their vehicles. I have a little philodendron in a clay pot, which I have named after my mother. But other than that, this vehicle is as yet nameless. 

I'm currently parked in a parking lot outside an outlet mall somewhere near Tucson. I opted to vacate my peaceful campsite in the desert because we are getting some rain and high winds, and I don't want to get trapped by a flash flood. I'm not worried that I will be washed away, but it will take a few days for the water to evaporate, and I do worry about getting stuck in the mud. So, hence, parking lot.

I won't stay here for the night. It's not a level lot, for one thing, so I would end up sleeping on the floor. The main reason, though, is that there is a carnival set up at the top of the lot behind me. Earlier in the day, it was quiet. I thought, great, how fun to have a ferris wheel to look at but no crowds. Surely they won't open in the rain. Well, don't call me Shirley, because at 4:00 pm, the fair opened. Families with little kids have been streaming past my car, heading toward the source of the pounding music. I have my window covers up on that side, but I peek out from time to time. It's pretty, if you like carnivals. To top it off, every five minutes or so, a freight train rolls through on a nearby railroad track.  

I'm going to cut this short so I can drive back to Walmart or to Cracker Barrel or Home Depot or someplace where I can blend in with all the other ubiquitous minivans, pickups, and SUVs. Judging by the quantity of reflectix in windshields, I think lots of people are living in their cars. 

The deadly season is approaching

After an interminable week of debilitating pain, it seems my clenched jaw has finally relaxed. What a relief. There's a thing called TMJ, who knew. Like TMI, but a lot more painful. My cheekbones are dented from my desperate attempts to grind my fingers into the pressure points (I learned that on Dr. YouTube). Pressing on the jaw hinge was a bad idea, I discovered. However, kneading my cheekbones as if my face was made of bread dough really helped relieve the tension. A twice-daily ibuprofen also helped. I'm happy to say, last night was my first night sleeping without a pill. 

In other news, last night was also my first night sleeping on my new camping mattress. I think I described my trip to the Phoenix foam store, how I asked for the firmest foam they had. Well, I got firm, all right. Maybe too firm. It's just one level softer than concrete, far as I can tell. On the upside, the 4-inch slab is good for sitting. On the downside, as a sleeping mattress, it is unforgiving to my arthritic hip. Today I caved and bought a foam topper at Walmart. I may be a stoic but I'm not a masochist. 

Speaking of masochists, I continue my headlong hurdle toward the edge of my personal housing cliff. In anticipation of my impending free fall, my friends and family are sending me Wikipedia links to Arizona towns they think might suit me. I dutifully check them out. Safford, Globe, Payson, Coolidge, Eloy. Lot of cool names. Like any place, each town has pros and cons. Too small, too hot, too cold, too near fire danger, too near a federal prison . . . But lots of interesting history, if you like mining. 

The thing about parking yourself in one place is you are stuck there. I don't know how you live, maybe you go out all the time, but me, I'm prone to hunkering in my burrow, immersed in my isolation. Being alone is my happy place. However, if the burrow I have rented is too hot, too cold, too noisy, too expensive, or otherwise not suitable, then picking up and moving to another burrow is not easy. I know this from experience.

Not so when your burrow is your car.

My generous friends in Scottsdale, the ones with the little dog, apparently feel bad that I might be living in my car for a while. This summer they have trips planned to exotic places. Would I like to take care of the small furry creature while they are gone? Of course, I said yes. I love that little dog, and the house has all the mod cons (plus, the pool got fixed). Lots of reasons to say yes. 

However, when I'm living in someone else's space, I am not inhabiting my own. You might think, oh, vacation, how nice. That is not how I see it. I see myself as neither guest nor employee, but some third thing. Friend, maybe, but a friend who is willing to leave half her life in her car in order to be at the beck and call of a dog and so my friends can enjoy their trips knowing the dog will be well loved. How they can leave their dog for so long is beyond my comprehension, but that's just me. I miss my cat daily.

Another drawback to saying yes to dogsitting is the season. Summer in Phoenix is brutal. In fact, summer is life threatening. It is not possible to live in a car during the summer in Phoenix. Activities are constrained to early morning. The rest of the time, except for brief excursions to the back yard to make sure the dog pees, I have to stay indoors. I tell myself, I will get a lot of writing done. I will get a lot of dog love (and we all know that will be good for a person with early stage heart failure). But I will be stuck in Phoenix at a time when anyone with the means to leave does.

Where would I be if I weren't in Scottsdale? Camping in the national forest outside of Flagstaff with all the other van life nomads, finding sunny places to set out my solar panels and listening to the wind riffle the tall pines.

Dog love or tall shady trees? 

Stoics don't cry

Last week I left you with a cliffhanger—would I survive the dental debacle or would I run screaming like a crybaby into oncoming traffic? Were you worried? I wasn't. But I should have been. I arrived to the emergency dental appointment on Tuesday, sure I was going to get a round of antibiotics and be feeling better in no time. That is not what happened.

The dentist took off the temporary crown and peered into the abyss. "I'm going to put some cold stuff on that back tooth and you tell me if it hurts," he said. 

He sprayed something on a q-tip and poked the tooth.

"Yow!" I said, just about levitating out of the chair.

"It's not infected," he said. "And you don't need a root canal. If the nerves were dead, you wouldn't feel a thing. Let's try putting some desensitizing liquid on it and put the temporary back on. See what happens. Sound good? Okay. Maybe we can numb it up a little bit," he said. 

What do you mean, a little bit? I didn't find the uncertainty in his voice reassuring. I laid there with some misgivings as he prepared the giant silver needle ray gun. He came at me from below, thinking he could fool me, but this was not my first rodeo in a dental chair. However, I welcomed the pinch and pull and stabbing pain with my trademark stoicism because I was pretty sure sweet oblivion would soon be happening.

"I'm going to go check on my other patient," the dentist said, stripping off his gloves. I sat in the chair and stared out the window at the cloudy sky, hoping to soon be able to rest my tense shoulders and relax my furrowed brow. I patted my face a few times. Was it getting numb? Not fast enough for me. 

All too soon, the dentist returned.

"It's not numb," I said.

"I think the desensitizing agent will help," he said. "But it is going to be very cold at first. And I have to paint all four nerves."

Four nerves! I was definitely on my last one. However, I dutifully winched open my mouth. He dipped a giant q-tip in something and painted my tooth. Instantly, pain shot down through my jaw into my spine, shattering my vertebrae as it went. I whimpered a tiny bit until the pain receded. 

"Hang on," he said and painted another part of the tooth. 

I groaned. I'd never experienced pain like this in my life. Worse than being socked in the jaw by my older brother. Worse than falling nose first onto concrete (also courtesy of my older brother). I realize now how fortunate I have been to have escaped serious pain until age 67. My luck had just run out. 

He painted another part of the tooth. I gripped my own hand and dug in. I would have drawn blood if I'd had any fingernails. The pain was excruciating. I could not help moaning. One of my moans turned into a despairing chuckle.

"People don't usually laugh when I do this," he said. Then he painted another side of the tooth. At that point, I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out, choke on my own spit, or have a heart attack. Any of those would have been fine with me if they would just lead to a cessation of pain.

"Almost done," he said and came at me again. The word torture crossed my mind several times. 

Finally, the tooth painting was over. He slapped the temporary back on and let his assistant deal with my trauma while he went to take care of his next patient. My woes had put a serious dent in their schedule. I successfully resisted the urge to apologize. 

I staggered out the door. The taste in my mouth, the smell in my head, the pounding in my jaw . . . I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to my car. I gagged a couple times, and prepared myself to hurl into the dirt beyond the curb. Gradually, the pain settled to a one-mule kick in the jaw instead of a twenty-mule team kick. I got into my car and thought maybe, just maybe, I might make it. 

Within five minutes, I was feeling great. Well, great in comparison to what I'd just experienced. Being relatively pain free compared to enduring the most horrendous pain I'd ever felt in my life is the most amazing kind of freedom. Going through such exquisite gut-wrenching pain and emerging victorious made me feel like I could do just about anything.

Which is a good thing, because on Friday, I was back in the hot seat for the permanent crowns. I was apprehensive but the prospect of finally having two crowns and a lovely bridge in between was a siren call lulling me into believing everything would be okay. Call it vanity if you must. I just really wanted a tooth back in that gap. 

"Do you want novocaine?" the assistant asked me. 

I felt my body clench from jaw to pelvis. "Do you think I should?"

"It shouldn't hurt much," she said. "Most people don't need it."

I grimaced, not wanting her to think me a wimp. "Okay, let's try it." 

It took over an hour for the dentist to grind the new appliance into shape so I could bite without breaking my jaw. In and out, in and out, pressing hard, youch, bite now, bite and chew, bite, bite, bite, okay. Check the little paper. Grinding, polishing, grind some more, bite bite bite. 

"This a strange form of sculpture, isn't it?" I mused during one short grinding break. It occurred to me, I probably would have made a good cosmetic dentist, back in my younger days when my eyes and hands were cooperating. 

"You have a deep overbite," he said. 

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing," I said. 

"If you don't mind . . . " he said and proceeded to grind some of the enamel off the upper teeth on that side. Whatever, I thought. It's on the inside, nobody will see. 

After an hour and a half, we agreed the bite was satisfactory. 

"The cement will be cold," he warned. He loaded up the glue and jammed the new bridge home. 

"Yow!" I grunted incoherently as he held the thing in place and zapped it with a blue light to cure the glue. Irradiated and in misery, all I could do was lie there and hope I would not choke on my own saliva. Breathe, I told myself, just breathe.

This back and forth had taken longer than expected. He was running way late. Once again I resisted the urge to apologize. Finally he unclipped my bib. As I wobbled to my feet, he told me I needed to get a special kind of floss to clean under the bridge so I wouldn't get tooth decay there, causing the whole thing to fail. 

And then he was gone to the room next door. I heard him welcome his patient with a jovial tone, as if he hadn't just spent a tedious hour installing an edifice over the chasm in my jaw. I thought, maybe he just really likes his job. Later I found out he was starting a week's vacation the next day. 

Since then, pain comes and goes. It moves around. The brutalized tooth seems quiescent. However, my jaw hinge throbs sometimes, and the nerves that he shot with his nasty silver needle ray gun sometimes quiver with rage. My neck has knots like the bumps on an alligator. I wonder if I will ever be the same.

Good news: ibuprofen. Other good news: lousy memory. By the time the next dental crisis rolls around, I will probably have forgotten how it felt to experience the worst pain of my life.  Someday soon, I predict I will be chomping apples on that fake tooth without a care. Even if I reread this blog, I won't remember the depth of my misery. It will all blend into one traumatic experience that I survived. The silver lining in the ongoing old age slow-motion catastrophe that is me.   

Going with the punches

Here we are again. I'm here for my weekly therapeutic blog dump. Stand back, all four of you blogbots, so you don't get spattered. Urp. Hm. Tastes like chicken. The theme of this week is teeth. Like, mainly, how annoying it is that they don't heal themselves. My car's check engine light actually has a better chance of self-healing (as long as I give it decent gasoline) than my teeth do. How come bones can heal but teeth can't, riddle me this. 

Three years ago, you might recall, a root canal went gunnysack, and I had to have the tooth extracted. It was less than a month before my move to Tucson. Implants were booked out weeks. So I moved house, proceeded to figure out life in the desert, and gradually got used to having a gap in my jawline. 

After so long of chewing on empty air, I thought, it's past time to get a bridge over the yawning chasm. It would be nice to chew food there again, if possible. Besides, the two teeth on either side were cracked and in need of crowns anyway, and insurance was paying for half, so I figured now was the time. 

On Monday I coughed and moaned like the stoic trooper I am while the dentist and his assistant did their best to choke me with my own spit. After two hours of grinding, I came away with a white blob of something that resembles silly putty covering the two brutalized teeth and the gap in between. It hurt for a day and then stopped hurting, and I thought, yay. Then it started hurting again, and now it feels like a squabble of angry worms are drilling tunnels through my jaw. It took a trip to the storage unit, but thank god, I found my acetaminophen and ibuprofen, yay, so the worms are sedated to a sluggish writhing. 

My friend noticed I seemed a bit under the weather on a recent Zoom call. Her partner is a retired medical professional, which means he has lots of knowledge and even more opinions. I appreciate both. He suggested I call the emergency after-hours number. I stared at the phone for a while, feeling reluctant to admit I might need some help. Finally, I called the office number, got the office recording, and wrote down the emergency number. After the beep, I left a whiny message. I don't feel so good. Then I sat around moping for a bit, wondering if this amount of pain constitutes a "true dental emergency," which is the requirement before you call the after-hours desperation hotline. However, I knew my friend would be checking on me, and I sure didn't want to be scolded by the medical professional partner for being too stoic, so I called the emergency number. I got a recorded message from my actual dentist himself. I was kind of relieved. I imagined he was out enjoying a lovely meal with this wife or maybe resting up for another week of jamming his hands into slobbery mouths. I would have been flustered if he had answered the phone in person. Sorry to bother. 

So far, no call back. 

Part of me is like, well, this is how it goes for me. Life comes at me swinging, and I either cave or pretend to cave and then pop up like a bobo doll, smirking I know you are but what am I. Right now I feel kind of crappy so I don't have the energy to bounce back to my feet. I'm more like a beached humpback whale, rolling with the flow and hoping the tide and a few valiant surfers will shove me back out to sea. 

I will feel better eventually, I am predicting, and then I can get back to the all-important task of jumping off a cliff. Eyes on the prize, people. 

I will not regret the future

To avoid living in the present, which is fraught with fear to the point of frantic dissociation, I am employing a technique known as visioning (which is basically a hallucination based on wishful thinking) to imagine a brave and hopeful future for myself after I've survived my personal version of freefall. My role model for this visioning process is Tom Hanks. No, I don't mean Forest Gump, although the temptation of saying eff it all and running across the midwestern plains has a certain appeal. No, the Tom Hanks character I am going to emulate is whatever the guy's name was in Castaway.

If you saw the movie, you remember he started out as a somewhat chunky normal guy. Then the plane crashed and he ended up castaway on a deserted island. He had to perform his own oral surgery. I don't plan to emulate that part. The memorable moment is what happens between the moment he conjures fire and the cut to the god-like creature he morphed into after a few years of surviving on fish and coconuts. 

I don't plan to start eating fish or coconuts. However, I do plan to morph into a god-like creature. God-dess. Whatever. Something other than what I am now. 

I can use my time on the road as an opportunity to reinvent myself. I can be someone different. Like, really different. You might not even recognize me in two years, that's how different I could be. Minus the plane crash (or in my case, I hope, the car crash that always seems imminent), I'm envisioning myself as the svelte survivor I will be if we fastforward a couple years. 

I will be thin. I will be smarter, somehow (not sure how that would happen, but I can hope). I will be able to get up from a chair without grimacing or grunting. My nose hairs will magically recede (but not back to my legs). I will be able to eat what normal people eat without getting sick, fat, or poor. Lactose intolerance will cease to be my nemesis. My cataracts will fade, my heart will settle into a steady rhythm, my bones will firm up, and this freight train in my head will roar off into the sunset, taking the typewriter tinnitus with it, never to be seen or heard again. I might even start to wear something other than black pajamas. Hey, as long as we're dreaming.

I don't expect all this to happen without my participation. First, of course, I will join a gym, because that is what people who want to reinvent themselves do. I might even go once in a while. Next, I will become a master of butane stove cuisine. I expect to be limited somewhat by lack of refrigeration, but if the planets align properly, I'll be able to get another power station to run my tiny portable camping fridge, currently languishing in my storage unit. There's nothing like powdered eggs cooked on a skillet in the frigid morning air. Nothing like it. I'm not sure what I will do about the hair migration problem. Even goddesses are allowed to shave their upper lips once in a while, right? I'm pretty sure. 

The only hitch in my vision might be the three caped and hooded horseriders of my personal apocalypse: my health, my teeth, and my car. These three dudes siphoned a lot of money out of my bank account the past couple years. Copays and a colonoscopy, crowns and root canals, and new tires and front end work all ganged up to just about kill me. I don't expect these nasty dudes to back off entirely, but maybe if I figure out what sacrifices to perform to placate their supervisor, I might make it through another year without running out of cash. I can hope. I am totally future tripping these days, because that is where hope is. The past is out of reach. The present is far too uncertain and painful. So what else is there? I'm running forward, not looking back.

At the end of the world, might as well be nice

In spite of the general and specific terrors of living with other humans, for some reason, I have been enjoying my interactions with people. I think it has something to do with the what-the-heck feeling I've been having at the prospect of my life imploding. I can afford to be magnimous. After all it might be my last chance to live my mantra, which last time I checked was to be loving and kind to others. Opportunities to practice abound.

Last week I bought a slab of foam rubber for my car camping bed. It took about an hour on three freeways to find the foam rubber place way out on the west side of Phoenix. Blogbots, we aren't in Scottsdale anymore! I always feel more at home when there is a pawn shop on every corner. My poor white trash roots showing, probably. Anyway, I pulled into the wayback parking lot of a big square concrete building and went in the tiny door next to the big garage door. It was clear by the looks on the faces of the workers that they didn't see many customers like me. Nevertheless the young woman behind the glass pane spoke enough English to understand my request for the firmest foam they had. She showed me a foot-square sample of 4 inch foam, almost hard as a rock. 

"That's the stuff," I said. 

She figured out the price for the size that will fit my bed platform. I was thrilled. It was a fraction of what I would have spent ordering online. Plus, I got to see the inside of a foam factory while I waited for them to cut my little piece of foam. I stood at the edge of the waiting area (no customers allowed past this line) and perused the big open space with the same delight I might have eyeballed a lovely waterfall or the cliff dwellings of Montezuma Castle.

Foam was stacked to the ceiling in places. A couple of really young women in tight jeans wrapped huge sofa cushions in plastic and stacked them in a pile near the loading door. Two men were running slabs of foam through a giant metal contraption. One of those slabs probably turned into my mattress, but it was too far across the factory for me to see. 

After about ten minutes, a short Latino man approached carrying what was obviously my specially cut mattress. 

"You want wrap plastic?" he said. I could tell he was hoping I would say no, and I did. No plastic for me, I like my slab of foam commando. I thanked him, grinning like an idiot. He probably thought I was mental. I took my new mattress out into the sunshine and loaded into the back of my car on top of the scrap wood I have to return to my storage unit this week. The van configuration is almost complete. 

So now I have two foam mattresses, one firm and dense, the other twenty year old mush that never was particularly firm, even when it was the new cushion for my home-built couch at the Love Shack in Portland. It's lost its mojo, after twenty years, if it ever had any. I'm sitting on it right now, actually. It's not an ideal typing situation, according to my arthritic hip, but it's not terrible to sleep on, even though I've violated it with my bread knife a few times, carving it in stages into something that could travel with me to Tucson. 

More interactions. Today I was at the store picking up a prescription for one of the drugs that makes it possible for my heart to refrain from murdering me. I smiled at the pharmacist and got a mildly pleasant response. I let shoppers with their carts go ahead of me and got smiles in return. I smiled at the cashier at the self-service register and she gave me a wide, gap-toothed grin and told me to have a nice day. 

I got in my car, ignoring the check engine light (my nemesis reappeared yesterday on my drive from Phoenix to Tucson). As I was maneuvering toward the exit, I saw a little car with a flat tire. An elderly woman was at the wheel. I pulled around and rolled my window down. 

"I have a flat tire!" she said.

"I see that!" I said. "Do you have someone coming to help you?" I tried to imagine me parking my car and attempting to help her change a flat tire. Right. I've changed, what, like one flat tire in my life? That was not recently, as you can imagine. 

"I'm calling Triple A," she nodded, letting me off the hook. "I have a car full of frozen food!"

"Oh, no!" I commiserated, adding some appropriate hand gestures to express my sorrow at her plight. 

We smiled at each other. I wished her luck. I pulled my car around in a circle and headed out of the parking lot, feeling like I'd connected with another human, even though I was completely useless as a potential solution to her problem. I offered her empathy rather than actual help, but sometimes just knowing someone cares enough to check and express compassion can be enough to help us show up with courage. She was in no danger. I just hope Triple A didn't keep her waiting too long.

What if I approached all my interactions with a caring heart? Good Samaritans don't always survive their altruism, sadly. But what is the point of living if we are always circling the wagons to keep ourselves safe? Total safety is an illusion. 

Not quite brain dead

The neurologist was everything I'd expected but not quite what I had hoped for. I knew I was setting myself up for disappointment. How could I not? I've been waiting since October for this appointment. It's no big surprise I built up some expectations during these long months of wondering if this person would (a) diagnose my vestibular malady accurately, (b) have a remedy, and (c) give it to me without lollygagging. 

I showed up with my stack of paperwork, hoping I'd followed all the directions properly: no food for at least four hours prior to the appointment, no coffee, no opioids. Ha. I paid my copays, stomach growling, and waited until I was called. 

Before I was allowed into the neurologist's inner sanctum, I had to endure an hour of vestibular tests similar to the ones I had at the October ENT visits but more violent. A perky young woman with long flat blonde hair briskly outfitted me with heavy goggles that were supposed to measure my eye movements. I sat on the edge of the exam table and held on as she grabbed my head in both hands and proceeded to jerk my head up and down, side to side, hard and fast. 

The purpose of this uncomfortable test (which cost me $100 because insurance doesn't cover it) was to see how much my eyes jiggled around as she upset the crystals in my ear canals. After a while, I felt like my neck was snapping, but I didn't come close to barfing. They keep trying, but I've been living on a boat (in my head) for years. I don't get seasick anymore. Plus, my stomach was empty. 

After a long tedious session, she freed me from the goggles. As I tried to regain eyelid function, she looked at the computer monitor showing a close-up of my half-open eyes, caught in a moment of misery, and said, "I saw a few small anomalies."

I waited for her to elaborate. She did not. She sent me back to wait in the hall for the main event, my session with the neurologist. At last I was ushered into a messy office dominated by a big wooden L-shaped desk. I sat in one of the two visitor chairs. She asked me to describe my experience, and when I did, she interrupted every few words with staccato questions. "What does that mean? When did that start? Can you be more precise?"

I tried my best. At one point, I felt myself choking up. Finally, someone was listening to me! I mean, someone who wasn't one of my long-suffering friends. I said, "I told myself I would not cry."

She said, "Go ahead and cry. People often do. Do you have a recent audiology test?"

"You have all my records," I said. "They were scanned a few weeks ago."

She glanced at the stack of paper on her desk. "I never look at them."

I opened the envelope of originals I had brought with me, thinking I bought a cheap Walmart printer just to print out all these records for you, can I kill you now? Lucky for her, my hands were busy searching through the stack of paper. It took a while, possibly because I was having caffeine withdrawals, but I finally located the two hearing tests and handed them over. 

"I'll have my assistant make copies of these," she said. "Follow me."

She had me walk up and down a narrow hallway in various postures: one foot in front of the other, like I was being tested for a DUI. Same thing, eyes closed. Stand on one foot, then the other, then again, with eyes closed. Sometimes I fell to the right, sometimes to the left. Each time, I caught myself against the wall, feeling like a clumsy idiot and wondering if I was passing or failing. 

"Let's go into the exam room."

I followed her tall chunky figure, grudgingly admiring her colorful swirly dress. I don't remember her footwear but I am sure she wore flats. She moved way too quickly and quietly to be wearing heels. Her movements indicated she'd seen a long procession of patients before me. Like, years and years of patients, all no doubt weeping and barfing as they fumbled through her tests. Not a motion was wasted. 

She sat me on the exam table. Then, oh no. More goggles! More head grabbing and jerking and shaking, plus lots of other tests involving eye tracking. And some of the basics. Moving fast, she tested my reflexes, looked in my ears, and listened to my heart. I saw her do a double-take. "Do you know you have an irregular heartbeat?"

I explained what I could about my wimpy case of aortic stenosis.

"I'm going to call your cardiologist. Okay? Now for the hyperventilation test," she said. "Breathe in and out of your mouth, fast, for forty seconds." My neck was starting to wilt with the weight of the goggles, but I held onto the table and gamely started panting like an old dog on a hot day. Pretty soon I was feeling lighter than air, but I kept at it, thinking if I pass out, let's see if she will catch me before I crack my head on the edge of the table. If I survive, I might get rich. "Don't worry, I'm watching the clock," she said at one point. I didn't believe her. My throat started feeling raw. I coughed but kept panting. A memory surfaced of hyperventilating with friends. How old was I? Old enough to know better. 

Finally, she stopped me, took off the goggles, and pointed to the computer monitor. "Your eyes are steady as a rock. You don't have vestibular paroxysmia."

"Really."

"I think you have BPPV in a hard-to-treat ear canal, which is why the Epley never worked well for you. And I think you have vestibular migraines. I want you to get some bloodwork. We have a lab here, if that is convenient."

I could hardly feel my feet as I staggered to the wing that held the lab. My brain was sizzling. I put my name on the sign-up list outside the door, and then saw the sign: out to lunch, back at 1:30. I looked at my phone. Barely past 12:30. Argh. I stood there debating. All I wanted was coffee and food, but who wants to go through all that fasting again? I decided to wait. It was only an hour. Surely I'd reached my misery quota for the day. I found a chair in the mostly empty waiting room outside the lab and the pain management clinic, spread out my stuff, and proceeded to feel sorry for myself.

Eventually the phlebotemist returned. She poked me in a vein and drew many vials of blood. I lost count after eight. I was feeling pretty crappy at that point. Now I get why they have those adult-sized high chairs with the padded bar across the front. Just as I was thinking, bye bye, she yanked out the needle, gave me some water, and sent me on my way.

So there you have it. Apparently the tests do not lie, even when the diagnoses don't match my list of symptoms (although some studies have suggested about 60% of the hyperventilation tests are wrong). Of course, it is possible I have more than one illness. I'm willing to consider the BPPV diagnosis. I think the vestibular migraine diagnosis is misguided. I still think I have a case of vestibular paroxysmia. My symptoms fit, and the MRA shows that it is possible. 

Meanwhile, I have a referral to a vestibular physical therapist and yet another migraine diet handout. 

I'm going to try, I'm really going to try. I'll go to the PT. I'll let them twirl and bend me. I'll do the eye exercises. I'll eat twigs but no more nuts. No raisins, no citrus, no onions, no tomatoes. And in a few months, if I don't feel better, I will go back and beg for one of the drugs I saw on her list of medications, several of which were antiseizure medications often prescribed for vestibular paroxysmia. We'll see who wins in the end.

Surreality on the fourteenth floor

What was I saying last week about suffering being optional? Oh, brother. I stand corrected. Suffering is mandatory. It's the human condition. If it's not an atmospheric firehose, it's a check engine light. If it's not prunes for breakfast because cheese has ripped you a new one, it's dementia welcoming you to hell. Check your expectations at the door, get in, fasten your seatbelt, and keep your head and arms inside the ride at all times, if you can.

I whined about cold dark nights in the desert, but you don't know cold and dark until you've seen your college friend and former business partner being eaten alive by the worst form of dementia labeled by modern medicine. How come we can get stains out of clothes with a spritz from a spray bottle but we can't clean out the crap that infiltrates our neurons and causes us to lose our personhood? It's unfair, wah wah, but then again, what's unfair for the human is a triumphant heyday for the virus or bacteria or whatever the hell it is eating up my friend's brain in great big noisy gulps. 

Last week was one of the most surreal experiences I can remember. My friend's husband paid for me to stay in a guest room at the memory care facility. In some ways the guest room resembled a posh hotel room: a bathroom bigger than my studio apartment, with a huge shower; a fully functional kitchenette with a two-burner stove, dishes, and a full-size refrigerator for my full-size pizza; a queen size bed in front of a king-size flat screen TV; and a sitting room with a loveseat and a round wooden table with two chairs. The only things I lacked were a hook for my bathrobe and functional WiFi. Did I mention it was on the fourteenth floor? It was on the fourteenth floor. The floor-to-ceiling windows looked out over Westwood Village, and in the far distance, yes, I had a view of the Pacific Ocean, glittering in the sun. 

After each visit with my friend, I retreated to this sanctuary to cry, to moan, to berate God for turning my friend into someone I didn't know, and to beg God for mercy, that if this disease should infiltrate my brain that I be given the grace to accept it and the means to locate some fentanyl, stat. 

I've been back in Tucson for two days, and I'm still gobsmacked by the horror of what happens when we lose our capacity to think. 

There were some macabre moments of levity. She managed to tie her shoelaces to each other. Fortunately I fixed it before she stood up. On her birthday, she put a red plaid flannel shirt on inside out, so the chest pockets hung like flacid bags. It looked great on her rail-thin figure—I predict we'll all be wearing our flannel shirts inside out soon. My teariest chuckles came when her old-fashioned red bat phone rang and she answered the TV remote. The TV came on, and the phone kept ringing. 

Another time she tried to answer a flat long paintbox set. In her defense, it did resemble a really big cell phone. The phone kept ringing, so I picked up the telephone receiver and held it out to her. She started mumbling into it. I tried to take the paintbox out of her other hand, but she pulled it away and stood there with a "phone" at each ear, muttering word salad. My brilliant funny friend.

My friend is still in there somewhere—I can see it in the art she makes—but her personality has shattered. She knows something is very wrong, and she's frustrated and scared. She has a minder every morning until her husband comes to do the afternoon-evening shift. She often locks the minder out of her room, paranoid to the point of tears, complaining nobody there likes her. Almost every morning, she packs a bag, determined to escape the prison. In fact, she got out a couple times. The airtag in her purse led to her rescue. She keeps trying. The first day I was there, she'd packed all her shoes into a big yellow bag, along with a couple mismatched socks, two cashmere scarves, and a toothbrush. Whatever it takes. 

Maybe it's some weird kind of blessing that the slow-motion car crash my friend is experiencing is taking so long. The pace of the disease gives us time to accept it, to say goodbye slowly, to grieve in smaller doses that aren't as painful or shocking as they would be if she'd died in an actual car crash. If I had cancer, I would want time to say goodbye. The problem is, her body lives on while her brain is dying. She could live on for several more years before her brain forgets how to tell her throat to swallow. Is it better to be aware or unaware that you are disintegrating? 

This week I got the news that another friend, an older man I served on a nonprofit board with, has decided to have his doctor remove the medical device that keeps his heart going. He's chosen the day and time. Day after tomorrow, 10:00 a.m. ET. He's said his goodbyes. A few hours after they unplug him, he will die. He's running to meet death. How badass is that? The medical system is geared to help us survive at all costs. We compassionately euthanize our pets but we pull out all the stops to keep the hopelessly ill people alive a few months longer, even if they aren't considered "terminally" ill. It's so uncivilized to usher our decrepits off the mortal coil "before their time." 

It's all just random, a slurry of genes, lifestyle, income, and social connections that determine our lifespan. Unless we opt out. Ha. Take that, fate, God, or whatever the hell you are.

As the week went on, stopped trying to understand. I learned to respond to my demented friend with compassion and encouragement, even though I had no idea most of the time what she was saying. I looked for the nuggets of joy. She lit up at the sight of her birthday cake, and for a few moments, I caught a glimpse of the person I used to know. 

I was grateful she knew me. I hated to leave, and yet I could not leave fast enough. On the morning I checked out, I kissed her cheek, told her I could not take her with me (she had packed all her socks), and got someone to let me out the lockdown door into the elevator lobby. I took my broken, raging heart down to the parking structure, got into my musty car, and drove out of that tomb into the California sunshine. Will I see my friend again? Maybe in another year she won't know me. 

That's a problem for another day. 

Today, I live.