No one is immune to the plague of being human

My favorite days are days when I don't have to go anywhere, and no one calls me. (I'm not saying those are good days, just that they're my favorite days.) Today was not one of those days. Today I drove to The Couv (which is short for Vancouver, Washington—look it up if you don't believe me) to attend an event hosted by the Portland/Vancouver SBA and SCORE. That's Small Business Administration and Service Corps of Retired Executives, for those of you who aren't in the know about the business of business. The event was held at a pub. It was a dingy brick building, formerly a factory, maybe, and dark, dirty, and wallpapered with bad art, so I guess it qualifies as a pub.

I drove over the I-5 Bridge that crosses the mighty Columbia. (This is the bridge that needs replacing yesterday, but no one can agree on what to build in its place.) The I-5 Bridge is old, narrow, and funky, and will probably fall down in the impending earthquake. (When I cross bridges that I know could collapse I mentally review my action plan for exiting my car while underwater. Basically, my plan is the same as my retirement plan: Die.) Anyway, I crossed the bridge, which is a requisite phase in any journey of self-discovery, and despite road construction, one-way streets, and lack of signage, found my way to the so-called pub.

I was early, of course, because I'm chronically early to everything. It's a family flaw. I attempted to verify that indeed there was an event there at 1:30. The waitperson looked at me skeptically and said, “A..B...?” I said hopefully, “SBA?” She said, “Right, right.... I heard something about that...” I put on my marketing hat, metaphorically speaking, and wondered if there might be a better way to greet a customer. Like, “Sure! That event starts at 1:30, and we have a table set up for you right over here! Let me show you the way!”

I ordered an iced tea and sat by myself where I could watch the door. Over the next 20 minutes, other people came in, ordered drinks, and sat by themselves. Were they here for the event? I imagined walking over to them and introducing myself. Hi, I'm Carol, are you here for the SBA thing? I remained seated, watching. Pretty soon two young women—one dark-haired, one blonde—arrived carrying clipboards and stacks of handouts and SBA magazines. They talked with the waitperson and in a few minutes, lo! a table (a glass-covered door set on a folding table) was prepared for the group in the middle of the large, cavernous room next door. The room was lined with dark wooden booths, occupied by diners, who ate quickly and left when one of the SCORE mentors began talking. (More on him later.) Tall factory-style windows let in grimy sunshine; everyone was a silhouette to me, as I sat facing the windows. Outside, a huge yellow roadgrater tore up the street, grinding back and forth for the next hour. The wood-slatted floor gently shook.

The dark-haired woman introduced herself and talked about the mission of the SBA. We went around the table introducing ourselves. A variety of businesses were incubating: a maternity boutique proprietor, a computer wizard, an office furniture mogul, a real estate broker, and a purveyor of prepared foods for single moms. Plus me, marketing research geek. There were exactly as many SCORE and SBA representatives as there were potential clients. Six of each, to be precise. After introductions, the SBA leader told us to mingle and talk with the SCORE reps.

I scooted over one chair and talked with the loud SCORE guy, whose name was Bill. I didn't want to; I could predict what I was going to get from him: a lot of palaver. But it would have been rude to get up and leave him for the tall, slender, blue-shirted mentor further down the table. Besides, he had identified himself as a marketing expert. There's always more to learn. Said the recently minted Ph.D.

Bill was a husky, older man with pale gray bushy hair and unkempt mustache. I told him I was starting a marketing research business. (I did not tell him I have a Ph.D. in marketing.) He immediately began lecturing.

“Here's what you gotta do,” Bill said. “You gotta specialize.” I took a breath to respond, but he ran me down. While I waited for him to pause, I noticed his bifocals were dirty. He was five weeks past heart bypass surgery, so I forgave him his dirty eyeglasses. However, while he talked, he continuously scratched his forearm, leaving a litter of dead skin on the table top.

As he talked and scratched, I couldn't help it, I started laughing. Luckily, every other thing he said was something he thought was hilarious, so my laughter just spurred him to keep talking. And scratching. Then to my horror, to punctuate a punch line, he took the hand he'd been scratching with and used it to tap me on the shoulder. Ew, ew, ew, his flaky dead skin! On my shirt! If I were murdered later, he would have a hard time explaining the presence of his skin cells on my shoulder. Assuming he's in the FBI's database, of course. Ew! What a time to be reminded that anytime I am in a crowd, I am immersed in a putrid cloud of other people's dead skin, spittle, and phlegm!

I'm not a germaphobe, really. There's a bigger problem illustrated by this interaction. Unfortunately for me, Big Bill is the kind of man I seem to attract. Like the megalomaniac multi-level marketing guy I blogged about last year. Big, blustery, loud, talkative, egocentric blowhards intoxicated with the sounds of their own verbiage. I believe they mistake me for a weak, easily controlled, unresistant patsy, simply because I am quiet. When I don't respond with praise and awe, they don't ask questions to find out what I am thinking. They just keep spouting their verbiage, no doubt thinking to themselves, She's a dimwit, but maybe I can get her to sign up for this multi-level marketing scheme! The possibility that I am a discerning introvert with a professional interest in the idiosyncratic behavior of other people apparently does not cross their tiny one-track minds. And they rarely give me a chance to get a word in edgewise; their conversation is locked up tighter than a frog's sphincter.

Bill gave me his card. If the past is any indication of the future, then I'll find myself being mentored by Bill, almost by magic, as if I had no hand in the outcome. Luckily, if you follow the stock market at all, you know that past performance is never a guarantee of future results. I won't call Bill. I will find another mentor, if I need someone, a person who knows how to listen. And possibly who doesn't have psoriasis, although that's not really a deal-breaker. (Gosh, when I think of all the slivers of cuticle skin I have left in my wake, I shudder with disgust and shame. Dermatillomaniac, that's me.) No one is immune to the plague of being human. Not me, not you, not even SCORE mentors. Sad news: It's 100% fatal. Good news: We have today. It may not have been my favorite day, but I was fully present for it. That's a victory, for me.

Overlapping realities in the grocery store customer service line

Today I ate my last four eggs for breakfast, which triggers an automatic foray to the store. (Yes, I eat four eggs for breakfast every day, and no, I don't worry about cholesterol.) Before beginning my foraging foray, I stood in line for 20 minutes to return a plumbing repair item that I didn't need. (Yes, I fixed the leak under my bathroom sink all by myself.) It was a long queue, maybe a dozen people, and the line got longer as I stood there. A woman came to stand behind me, accompanied by a wizened older woman with gray hair and black glasses. I recognized her as the store employee who usually greets and good-byes at the entrance. Have a nice day. The employee stood with the customer. I listened to their conversation, and formed an image in my mind of the woman behind me, based on her voice and use of language.

She was Latina, that quickly became clear. The store employee asked her if she had some ID, and the woman replied, no, only a passaport. It was a friendly exchange, repeated several times, with no animosity on either side. No ID? No driver's license? No, only a passaport. Finally, the existence of the passport appeared to be established to their satisfaction. A comfortable pause followed. Other people arrived. I didn't look directly at anyone. Oddly, the store employee didn't leave, as I would have predicted. She stood off to the side and continued to talk to the woman.

“When are you due?”

“Next month, May 11,” the woman replied. Ah. Pregnant.

“Do you know what you are having?” asked the store employee. Uh, a baby? Steak and eggs? What? Is that any of her business?

“Issa girl,” came the reply. “I'm going to name her Genesis.”

“Genesis?”

“Yeah, you know, like from the Bible?”

The line moved at a glacial pace toward the counter. I admired the pattern of rafters overhead, holding up the ceiling.

“Where are you from?” the store employee asked chummily.

“Mexico.” I could have guessed that one. “Since 1990.” Her English was heavily accented, but her grammar was good.

“Have you been in Portland long?” asked the store employee. Why is she was still hanging around? Was this pregnant Latina woman on a store terrorist watch list or something?

“No, I came from San Diego. My family is here,” the woman said. “I came here to escape a violent domestic situation.”

“A what?”

“A violent domestic situation.”

“You can't change them,” the employee remarked knowingly. Hmmm. A lot of backstory, unsaid. I stifled my curiosity and remained facing forward. The line inched closer. The dialogue continued to spool out behind me. I pulled out my receipt and got ready for my turn at the counter.

“Where are you from?” The Latina woman asked the employee. Why was she keeping the conversation going? I imagined everyone in line was listening, although no one else participated. A baby wept.

“Originally I'm from Utah,” replied the employee. “Then I went to California, then Seattle, and then I ended up here. I hope you like rain.”

“Yeah. Do you have children?”

I got distracted by a father who was managing three little girls over in the furniture section. Two were in a complicated stroller contraption. One child sat in a shopping cart, kicking her heels. All but the baby were arguing loudly, including Dad, and it looked like the baby was about to join in at any second. My mind began the self-checkout process. I wondered, am I a member of the childless minority? (As a member of a minority, do I get any special rights? Like a special right to peace and quiet, maybe?)

“Next in line!” My turn. The slice of life was over. I never did turn around to see what the pregnant woman from Mexico looked like. Even in a grocery store, people deserve their privacy, even if they choose to violate it themselves.

Introversion is not a disease

Today, as one of my marketing activities, I sent an email to a marketing guru here in Portland. I will let him remain nameless. You might know him, though. He's the mastermind behind the networking events that take place every month at Trader Vics, which I have blogged about a few times in recent months.

I approached the guru through LinkedIn, intending to give him a polite nudge through a professional network (or so they say...seems like the quality of posts from my LinkedIn contacts has deteriorated of late, as people upload insipid quotes and lame mind puzzles in an effort to stay at the top of the queue. (It works, more's the pity.) Anyway, I thought my email to the marketing guru was understated and respectful.

Guru, I said, I have enjoyed your networking meetings over the past few months. Have you considered holding an event specifically for introverts? Yours respectfully, etc. etc.

A few hours later, a reply! He accepted my invitation to connect (me and my paltry 83 connections will hardly make a ripple in his 500+ massive network). And he suggested, in reply to my question, that I check out Toastmasters.

What the—!? Toastmasters?

Now, I have nothing against Toastmasters. It is a fine organization full of friendly, supportive, encouraging people. I was a member of Toastmasters when I was in college (the second of my many times around), and other than the heart-stopping moment when I forgot my speech in front of 200 people, I have fond memories and learned a lot. But Toastmasters as a cure for introversion? Really, Mr. Guru? Really?

Hah! As if introverts need a support group to help them get over a fear of speaking in public! Introverts aren't afraid of speaking in public. Introverts disdain the need for a public. A pox on your public! Hah! As if introverts are tongue-tied, stammering, red-faced idiots who faint if they are asked to try out their elevator pitch on a stranger! Hah! I'll take the stairs!

Introverts are not shy! We are simply inclined toward an internal focus. We would rather sit back and watch you extraverts make fools and lightning rods of yourselves than bully our way to centerstage to compete with you. Being alone is supremely satisfying. A good vampire romance, some Ecuadorean chocolate, and a hot bath are just icing on the cake of solitude: It's the solitude that heals and refreshes. You get my drift, Mr. Guru? I don't need you. I don't ever need you.

As an introvert, I derive satisfaction and fulfillment from developing deep connection with one person at a time. Two at the most, but preferably one. When I start a conversation with a stranger at a networking event, I want time and space to ask meaningful questions and dig deeply for genuine connection. So, what if an event was structured in such a way as to allow time and space for introverts like me to really connect with a few others, one at a time? Hmmmm. There's my idea, and if you like it, dear Reader, feel free to run with it.

I thought the event could be modeled after the speed-dating idea, but in speed dating, the configuration is a little different. Usually (and I assume this, since I've never been to a speed-dating event, or any other type of dating event, for that matter) the women don't need to interview each other; they only need to talk to the men. (Unless this is LGBTQIA speed dating. In that case, we'll need to rent an arena.) But in the boring world of hetero, arranging the prospective pairs in two long rows makes sense. The men get up when the bell rings and move down one seat, sort of like the guests did at the Mad Hatter's tea party. But at a work-related networking event, everyone needs to talk to everyone else. That suddenly complicates things in a big way.

Do you remember factorial math? I probably took it in high school and in college (all three times around), and I still I have to look it up to remember how it works. All I remember is the exclamation point! 20!/(20-2) 2! Whew! What an energetic equation! Luckily Excel can calculate it for me. If we invite 20 people to attend the networking event, and we pair them up in teams of two so they can talk while gazing intently into each other's eyes, we are looking at 190 possible combinations of partners. If everyone talks for, say, three minutes, a room full of 20 people will be there exchanging elevator pitches for 19 hours. Assuming my math is correct, or even close, I doubt if anyone would sign up for a networking event that long, no matter what the prize. And as you and I both know, there is no prize in networking.

Lest you fret, be assured introversion is not catching. (I sometimes wish it were.) When the bell rings to change partners, all the extraverts can fight for top dog out in the arena. I think I'll stay home.

The ants in the Love Shack are taking no prisoners

I decided to take the day off. From what, you ask? I know, it's not like I'm working. But I spend a lot of time working toward getting work. In fact, it's all I think about, especially this time of the month. Rent time, I mean. Usually I try to fit the various non-work parts of my life in and around my marketing activities. I feel guilty when I take work time to replenish my larder, or wash my clothes, or construct poisonous ant traps and deploy them in strategic locations. A person can't work all the time. That would qualify me for yet another Twelve Step program, and I'm maxed out on recovery programs, thank you.

So, today's Monday, and I spent the day getting stuff done. I have a list. Every day, I try to see how much I can do. Today I checked the PO box (empty), and stopped by the credit union to get quarters for laundry. I hunted and gathered (at Fred Meyers). In addition to a slab of wild salmon and heads of organic broccoli and cauliflower, I bought some 20-Mule Team Borax (bwa-ha-ha-ha), as well as some sticky black tape to repair the leaking pipe under my bathroom sink. Lots of projects going on at the Love Shack.

Before I started the indoor projects, I put on my grubby shoes and carried my clippers, garden knife, and broom out to the front garden to do a little weeding. A little weeding turned into a lot. (And I use the term garden very loosely.) Luckily, the ground is loose and lush, damp from yesterday's rain, so the stray grass and dandelions were easily uprooted with a little prodding from my garden knife (which is really a small, serrated tree saw). In an hour I had created a dozen piles of weeds and dirt. My back was aching, the sun was getting warm, and I had had enough. I dragged the big green rolling compost bin out to the front sidewalk. I filled the whole thing up, swept up the dregs with my decrepit straw broom, and wheeled the bin to its home on the gravel road, not far from the three metal pylons which are positioned to block drunk drivers from missing the turn and driving their cars onto the front porch of the duplex next door. (Long story.)

Then I took a bath, fixed the sink, and started brewing the poisonous concoction that I hope will rain destruction on the ant nests in the vicinity of my kitchen.

I know I said I wouldn't talk about the ants anymore. But I must tell you that I'm re-reading the few books I have from David Gerrold's the Chtorran series, and it's giving me serious pause. The Chtorrans are alien invaders, shaped like very large and voracious pink worms, who are not friendly neighbors. In fact, they are taking over Earth. Humans are hard pressed to survive. All their attempts to control the infestation are failing, and things are looking bad for the human race. Are you seeing any parallels here? Substitute small ants for large pink worms, and you get my drift.

A few days ago, I really thought I had the ant problem licked. I sprayed the kitchen counters with white vinegar (as suggested on someone's blog), and after an initial spurt of interest by roaming marauders, within a few hours, the counters were clear of ants. Amazing! I was feeling optimistic. Maybe I don't need the Borax bomb option.

Then I opened a cupboard, spotted a marching trail of ants, and followed them to their destination—the plastic bottle of honey that has stood quite innocuously in my cupboard for at least two years, probably longer because I rarely use honey. For some reason—and it's probably the same reason that prompted this years' crop of ants to seek out my old bottle of mouthwash and my stale menthol cough drops—the honey was suddenly a desirable target. Then I realized, these ants are way smarter than me. They had me fooled, they lulled me! False sense of security! Trojan horse! They disappeared from the countertops to fool me into dropping my guard. Then the pesky little guerrilla soldiers found a hidden path to their objective, weaving above my tea cups, out of sight. Argh!

After I nuked them and dusted their trail, I cleaned off the honey and put it in the fridge, vowing to turn their love of honey against them. All I needed was a tablespoon of Borax...

And then, suddenly, the counters were clear again. For two days, the kitchen was miraculously free of armies. A few scouts, easily sniped with my dusty paintbrush... once again, I was sure I had somehow gained the upper hand. Had they finally given up? Had the rain driven them away? Or the dust? Or the fact that there is nothing left for them to eat except well barricaded cat food and composting scraps in my bucket? (And my neck, of course.)

I actually bought the Borax today as insurance, thinking I probably wouldn't need it, that the ants had moved on, they were once again just doing their thing, scouting the premises and reporting back to their generals, no, nothing here, sir. All clear.

And then today...

I was lounging on my green shag carpet with my cat, competing for the little bit of sunlight that came through the window in the front door. Suddenly I spotted movement over by the wall. Oh, no! I ran for the dusting bucket, brandishing my paintbrush like an AK-47. My cat sat some distance away and watched curiously as I daubed the ant brigade with diatomaceous earth powder. Then I lifted up the edge of the carpet. A trail! Where are they going? What the—? and then I found the neat pile of cat barf, just under my dusty exercise bike, where the cat had left it, probably sometime during the night, judging by its color and condition. The ants were loving it, an indoor picnic on a green shag carpet.

I heated up the honey in a pan with a tablespoon of Borax and some water (and yes, I washed the pan well afterward). I poured the mixture into plastic tubs, poked holes in the lids, and taped the lids on tight. I used a marker to draw a little skull and crossbones on each container. Poison! Danger! Then I deployed one under the sink. The other two I placed outside in the dirt under my kitchen windows. Just in time to be diluted by a huge rainstorm, now that I think about it. Oh, well. I have more of the poison, in a jar in the fridge. Chemical warfare has commenced at the Love Shack. Enter at your own risk.

Tomorrow I'll get back to work. Right now the war is on. When I started this post, I found an ant on my monitor. Just now I found one on my keyboard. They are after my passwords, I imagine. It's only a matter of time before they drain my bank account. Leave me. Save yourselves. These ants are taking no prisoners.

Win a battle, lose a war

Are you sick of ants yet? One last post, and then I'm done with the ants, I promise.

After finding ants in every room, in places I've never seen ants before in the ten years I've lived in the Love Shack, I realized that extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. What do you do when you are faced with possible extinction? I don't know about you, but I turn to the Internet. Yep. A couple days ago, I threw myself on the mercy of the Google gods and queried the Oracles for a remedy for ants.

I've done this before, lest you think I'm a total slacker. I may be past middle age, but I am not from the middle ages. I'm quite adept at looking up stuff on the Internet. Periodically I've sought remedies for ant invasions. That is how I found out about diatomaceous earth, which is rarely mentioned on ant remedy sites, I've noticed. Some people reported luck with a spray of vinegar, some sprinkled coffee grounds inside and out, or dribbled lines of cayenne pepper or scrubbed the floor with lemon. All great ideas. In my limited experience, however, the smell-good remedies don't smell bad enough to drive the ants from my kitchen. I can hear them laughing. Or maybe that's the cat.

This time I went online looking for some bigger guns. Instead of passive deterrence, I wanted a more aggressive weapon, something decisive, but preferably non-toxic to everything but ants. I want to win the war. I found a variety of suggestions, a few of which (very few) made me cringe. Pouring boiling water in the ant nest? Really? Ugh, I don't think I could do that, even if I could find their nest. The only ant nest I've ever seen was a plastic-covered ant farm when I was about seven. Hell, knowing my luck, the ant farms that are sending soldiers to the Love Shack are located directly under my bathtub. And my kitchen sink. And my bed. There might even be an ant nest in my hat, now that I think about it. I certainly find scouts on my neck often enough.

I decided to try the vinegar spraydown, since I have a bottle of white vinegar and a sprayer thingie. There were a few scouts reconnoitering the counter. I mowed them down using a wide-angle spray. The ants stopped moving, submerged in vinegar, which would probably be my response, too, were I subjected to the same indignity. Ouch, I imagine. I sprayed the splashback behind the sink and waited to see what would happen.

An hour later the place was swarming. What the—! Did I use apple cider vinegar by mistake? I know these guys love apples. I checked the label on the bottle: nope, white vinegar, the cheapest kind. Good for soaking the fungus from your fingernails and toenails, in case you are so plagued. What's with the vinegar fest on my counter? I theorized that the ants had dissolved into the vinegar, creating a kind of ant-flavored...uh, salad dressing? Tasty to other ants, perhaps? I don't know. I wiped the whole thing down with a sponge and walked away in disgust.

This morning I swept up a few scouts with my dusty powdery paintbrush with callous disregard for ant well being. I was ready to deed the kitchen to the ants and walk away. I got busy doing other things, and this afternoon, when I went into the kitchen... there wasn't an ant to be seen.

You know how things seem darkest before the dawn? This isn't one of those times, I'm pretty sure. This is more like that eerie moment right before the tsunami hits, when the water in the bay rushes out to the ocean and you can prance with the starfish next to the high-and-dry boats. While you are dancing, the water comes rushing back in and sweeps your village out to sea.

I think this is the calm before the tsunami. I'm trying to enjoy it. I've seen a few scouts today, just a handful. I peer at them. Did the vinegar leave a residue that is keeping the army at bay? Is it the rain? Did the landlord come round and surreptitiously nuke the ant nests with agent orange? I don't know. I'm afraid to question, for fear this calm will evaporate under a tsunami of ants.

Hey! While I'm blogging, what is that thing running around the edge of my glasses? What! I'm going to trash this entire post. I just found an ant on my glasses. I think the honeymoon is over. The final invasion is starting. Tomorrow I am going to buy some Borax and some sugar, mix them together, and put the resulting poison in plastic containers covered with plastic lids. I am going to poke little holes in the lids, and then I am going to put the deadly little tubs under my sink, in my cupboards, and outside below my kitchen window.

Watch me press the red button. Here I go. Five... four... three... two...

If you can't beat 'em.... eat 'em

The ants in my kitchen discovered a flaw in the security system I devised to protect my compost bucket from marauders. I did not realize that the lid of the bucket, open to the back of the bucket, extended past the dike of diatomaceous earth I had erected. Thus I inadvertently left a convenient drawbridge for the army of ants, who wasted no time exploiting my carelessness. I entered the kitchen in the morning, bleary-eyed, to find a long trail of laborers marching from the bucket, to the wall, along the bottom of the cupboards (out of my sight), to some tiny opening behind the microwave a good ten feet away.

I made coffee and drank it, mulling over my strategy. For some minutes, I watched the trail and considered doing nothing. I felt like god must feel, watching the little critters trooping along the edge of the bucket. I could almost hear them gloating to themselves: Apple cores galore! Banana peels! It's the motherlode. We're rich! Our children are saved! Even as I imagined raining carnage down on their tiny heads, I admired their relentless persistence. I am pretty sure these little buggers will outlast me. Long after I'm gone to the big compost bin in the sky, the ant armies will be industriously scouring the earth for apple peels and rotten bananas.

Humans are bigger and (arguably) smarter, but we don't play a long game. We get distracted by the day-to-day, we lose our focus. Once you lose your focus, you lose your drive. Forward momentum dissipates along myriad pointless paths. The ant blows by you while you are gaping at the stars. And that is why ants will inherit the earth. Hmmm. Inherit? They already own it. We are just renting month to month.

Eventually I went with the nuclear option and rained carnage on the unwitting trail of ants. First, I took the compost bucket out to the green rolling bin and dumped the startled diners out on their heads along with the kitchen scraps. Then I moved everything off the counter, napalmed the trail with alcohol which I keep in a handy sprayer bottle for just this purpose (why else would you put rubbing alcohol in a sprayer bottle?), and wiped up the carcasses with paper towels.

Since then, my strategy is to go Hannibal Lecter any time I spot something moving. I hunt the nooks and dig into the crannies. I stand vigil with the rubbing alcohol AK-47. After shooting intruders, I carpet bomb with the diatom dust. I told my friend V. about the episode. She shared some similar experiences. For an insane moment, we cackled like a pair of Hitlers.

Do I sound like I'm having fun? I'm not. I don't want to kill ants. If there is a hell, I'm going there. After the most recent Ant Armageddon, I'm sure there's no hope for my soul. My karma is ruined for a thousand lifetimes. I used to care. I used to try to save scouts if I could, or at least try to flick them in a direction that would save them from drowning or frying. I strive to live and let live. I rescue flies, spiders, moths, and yellow jackets. With ants, however, I admit I'm engaging in size discrimination. Ants are just too damn small to save. And when they congregate, which is sadly their nature, it triggers a fear that I will lose my living space to tribes of tiny squatters. And I go ballistic.

Now I don't care anymore. I'm overwhelmed by sheer numbers. And it's frustrating to discover they don't go gently into the good night, these ants. They petition me constantly, in protest for my heavy-handed Hitler management style. They climb up my shirt (never down, always up, aim for the head, get her!). They bite my neck, they self-immolate on my stove, they sponsor tours to gaze at my toothbrush. I swear they dive-bomb out of thin air to infiltrate juicy targets. The only safe place is in a tub of hot water, and even then they rage at me from the shore.

I don't always notice their protests, which must be so frustrating for them (and maybe why they feel they must bite me.) For example, I'm usually unaware of the brave volunteers who infiltrate my salad bowl. My cat won't eat ants: He knows they bite. But my nose is useless and my eyesight is terrible, so I don't see the ants in my food, waving their little protest signs at me. Freedom from tyranny! Stop the bombing!

Should I abandon my kitchen to the ants? Well, do we really own our kitchens? In a metaphysical sense, you could say our kitchens own us. I mean, I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time worshiping at the big white box. Whatever. Anyway, it would do no good to abdicate and let them have the kitchen. Because they aren't just in the kitchen. As I've noted, they are in the bathroom, the bedroom, and the living room. Last night they were mining something on the couch. If I looked real close, I bet I could see them wearing tiny helmets equipped with flashlights and waving little pickaxes. I guess I should be thankful they are happy to clean up after me. I just wish they would do it at night, after the picnic, and then fade with the light, like some of their insect brethren.

Well, if given a choice, I'll take ants over cockroaches or bed bugs. Any day. I guess I should count my lucky stars. One....two....I'm counting now.

Once again we wait for news of the end of the world

When huge airplanes go missing, it gets my attention. Despite continued attacks by the ant hordes in my domicile, I find myself distracted, riveted, mystified, and perplexed, along with the rest of the world. It's hard to concentrate on my marketing tasks when the fate of those passengers is unknown. I especially grieve for their families. The not knowing must be unbearable. Yet, moment by moment, I assume they bear it. Living hell.

Until the authorities find wreckage, those passengers exist in an in-between state, sort of like Schrodinger's cat... not exactly alive, but undead, until proven otherwise. It's the not knowing that makes us crazy. Disasters happen all the time: we express our shock and horror, we grieve, we move on. But in this case, there's nothing to move on from, just a great big hole in our sense of rightness. This isn't how disasters are supposed to be.

There are always insights to be gleaned from bizarre events. Call them lessons if you want, I'm not sure I would go that far: It implies somewhere there is an inept supreme instructor sending us vague homework assignments. Not unlike online learning, now that I think of it. Having just finished an eight-year stint as an online learner, I can say with some authority that some of my so-called mentors were dispensing vague assignments as if they were omnipotent supreme beings. Whatever.

Anyway, what insights are we to glean from a missing jumbo jet?

I guess the first thought that comes to mind is that this unfolding tragedy is a reminder we aren't in control. Duh, you say? Maybe you—you wise adult, you—get that we control very little in life. But how were you as a two-year-old? Maybe you were content to go with the flow, but I remember feeling bat-crazy if I lost for one moment my sense of autonomy and self-determination. No, I won't eat my damn peas! Stop trying to tell me what to do, what to think, how to feel! (Which of course explains my compulsion to DIY or die. But that's another story.)

After a while I grew up and (sort of) assimilated the disappointing reality that bad stuff happens and I have no control over it. I say sort of, because I'm embarrassed to admit how often I cruise through my day thinking if I just do A-B-C, then I'll be rewarded with X-Y-Z. As if I have the magical power to control outcomes. I guess I assume my ability to influence the world around me means I am in control. I mean, I've certainly created my share of chaos in my time... doesn't that mean I have power? Time and again, I fall into the trap of cause-and-effect: Do this, get that. Time and again, I'm shocked when things don't unfold as planned. As I planned. X-Y-Z doesn't happen, no matter how much I try. Or complain. Or weep. I get something else instead, something better, something worse... the point is, I delude myself that I have control.

So in the case of this missing jet, my brain, wrestling with the unacceptable pain of not knowing, tries to pretend I can do something to help. My brain becomes obsessed with solving the mystery. I haven't gone so far as to try to access satellite pictures, as I hear some people are doing...I imagine the crowd-sourced search that is going on right now, people staring at images of open seas, shot from 100 miles above the earth. Amazing the technology, but more to the point, how hard to accept the fact that we may never know what happened. I didn't know anyone on that plane. If I did, how would I be able to live with not knowing?

I'm sure there are more insights from this mess, but I'm too morose to find more words. Everything seems pointless when the world is poised on the fine line between dead-undead, waiting.

This time it's ants and dogs... well, one dog

Last night after blogging, I enjoyed an evening of network TV and congratulated myself that I'd won the ant war that has left the Love Shack in a dusty shambles. After some desultory surfing between Letterman, Fallon, and Kimmel, I turned off the TV and converter box and went into my bathroom to take a bath. When I turned on the light, I discovered to my horror another trail of ants, this time leading to the medicine cabinet (which is nowhere near the cabinet that held the half-empty bottle of mouthwash that was the center of the previous ant battle).

I howled. My cat came running. “I can't believe it!” I cried in anguish and ran for the bucket of diatomaceous earth powder. My cat watched as I daubed the loaded paintbrush into the crack that seemed to be spewing little ant soldiers. Then I gingerly opened the medicine cabinet door.

I don't store all that much in this shallow cabinet, probably because it isn't over the sink, like most medicine cabinets, but opposite the sink. I peer into the mirror occasionally when I'm trying to extract a recalcitrant whisker, but I don't really open the cabinet door that often. I yanked open the door to let in the light. The ants continued their industry. I leaned in to see the damage.

The jittery trail led up the side of the cabinet to one of the top shelves, where there was an opened package of cough drops, the menthol eucalyptus kind. (Hey, weren't those the same ingredients in the mouthwash?) I watched for a moment, paintbrush poised. The ants were marching in an out of the package in smart regimental style. Ho Weeee oh, yooooo-oh. You gotta admire the little f--kers, they really know how to get sh-t done.

I eighty-sixed the cough drops that were attracting the crowd, plus two other bags of herbal cough drops that were getting no attention at all. You can't be too careful. These cough drops have been stored in that cabinet for at least five years. If it took them that long to find the menthol eucalyptus goods, then it could be a while before they find the herbal stash. I'd rather jettison all attractive nuisances. I figure safe, not sorry.

So, maybe now I can do a tentative victory dance in the bathroom. I'll let you know.

I tell you, I need something to be glad about. Today I witnessed a sad event: the passing of the neighbors' dog, Mojo.

Mojo was a medium-sized skinny white dog with a big smile. He was shaky and mostly deaf, but always had a tail wag and a welcoming grin for me when I'd get out of my car. Old age came on him fast. Today I looked out my kitchen window and saw a small crowd crouched around something white lying on the grass in the neighbors' front yard. From the looks on all the faces, I could guess what was happening. I could just make out white fur between the rhodies that divide our two yards. People took turns patting the dog's side and fondling his ears. They were saying good-bye.

An hour or so later, I looked out my window again. Mojo, unmoving, was being attended by two people in scrubs. The vet, a hefty woman, sat awkwardly on the ground, efficiently assisted by a young bearded technician. They worked together to shave the dog's leg and insert a needle attached to a plastic tube. In a few minutes, some white stuff flowed through the tube. My window was closed: I couldn't hear any sobs but my own, but I could see that the women were weeping. The men did their best to look sad but stoic (although I noticed one guy couldn't watch while the needle went in.) Only Mojo's dad was unashamedly crying.

It was over in a few minutes. The doctor checked for a heartbeat. The bereft parents bestowed their final kisses. The tech wrapped the body in a blanket and put it in the back of their Mini. That was the end of the brave and kind dog named Mojo. I presume he will be brought back in a small cardboard box, or maybe an urn, and placed on the mantel to preside over the fireplace he used to doze in front of.

I've had allergies all day. I'm surrounded by piles of soggy white tissues. What's a few more tears?

Who does networking better: people or ants?

As I recover from the minor trauma of having my breasts squashed between two plastic plates by an overly enthusiastic technician, I reflect on two topics: ants and people.

First, people. Last night was the monthly meeting of the Organizational Development Network Oregon chapter. It was a lovely evening, by Portland standards: mid 60s, clear blue sky (in March! I know!), a slight breeze scented by growing things instead of perfume... It doesn't get much better than that this time of year. The meeting room in the multistory NW Portland Con-Way building wasn't quite ready when I arrived at 5:30 p.m. The earlier arrivals had commandeered the chairs in the security lobby waiting area. Other folks stood by the security desk, talking. I didn't know anyone by name, so I got my visitor pass and went back out into the sun.

A woman whose name escaped me (I know I am connected with her on LinkedIn...Don't get me started on the uselessness of that social network) was standing nearby, checking her smartphone. I greeted her. She responded politely. I said something about the weather. Her reply was terse. From that I surmised she was probably conversing with an invisible someone else via text and had no extra bandwidth to devote to a conversation with me. I was fine with that. I walked over to a bush covered with white blossoms and sniffed a flower. Heaven. The off- and on-ramps from the Fremont Bridge soared in the near distance, buzzing with rush hour traffic.

Time out while I brush an ant off my monitor.

Pretty soon another person arrived, a tall young woman in luscious cream pants and high-heeled shoes. She went in, got her visitor pass, and came back out. I greeted her. She responded politely and pulled out her electronic tablet thingy. She began poking at it intently, clearly not interested in talking with me. I leaned on the cement wall and watched as another person came outside, holding her smartphone in front of her. Now there were four of us standing in the sun outside the building, not talking. I couldn't help smiling, thinking how ridiculous, how strange, that four women who all belong to the same networking group are ignoring each other while standing no more than ten feet apart.

It occurred to me later, after we'd all gone inside, that if I were a paranoid schizophrenic, I would have assumed they were all texting one another about me. Who is that weird woman who always wears a hat? And those pathetic fingerless gloves... does she know they are just cut-off socks?

Time out while I flick an ant off my desk.

I don't care what people think about me anymore. I used to care deeply. Age has cured me of that particular malady, lifted it right out of me. Age has also transformed the mammogram from a dreaded, painful reminder of my femaleness to a slightly annoying, completely painless inconvenience in my day. I guess age has its uses. Deflated funbags being one I sometimes forget to be grateful for.

At the meeting, I sat at a table up front, where I connected quite satisfactorily with the younger-than-me woman on my left. She reported her status as “in transition.” At first I thought she meant she was dying. Then I realized she meant she's unemployed. (Although dying and unemployment could be perceived as similar conditions, with a little shift in my perspective. I fear I may find out for myself in a few months.)

Time out while I scrape an ant off the back of my neck.

The topic of the evening was brain-based coaching, also known as results-based coaching. Odd that two very different monikers name the same coaching process. I know squat about coaching, but I really enjoyed the workshop. Sadly, the trainer ran out of time and felt compelled to rush to the closing. As we were applauding, she tossed off a comment about how she learned that chasing the money instead of serving her clients got her neither money nor clients. And eureka, there was my nugget for the night.

Last night after I got home, I inadvertently located the hidden treasure of the ant hordes high up in a cupboard in my bathroom. They apparently weren't expecting me home so early. When I turned on the light, I found an ant caravan leading to a half-empty bottle of mouthwash I didn't know I had. The ants knew I had it, though. The random scouts had come back with the loot. The gold rush was on. It was a simple matter to nuke the mouthwash and dust the trail with diatomaceous earth. That should take care of the bathroom. (And by the way, don't you worry just a tiny bit about what ants would be attracted to in a bottle of mouthwash? The same thing that dentists are attracted to, I wonder?)

I had similar luck in the kitchen, where the ant generals got cocky and revealed the doorway to their underground cavern. I would have had to have been blind to miss the pack trail going into a tiny cave by my vitamin cupboard. I swooped in with the dust bomber (a paintbrush dipped in diatomaceous earth) and plugged up their door.

I thought that might be a turning point in the war, that I might finally be getting the upper hand. But earlier today, I was folding tee-shirts after laundry, and found ants roaming the stack of tee-shirts in my dresser! Wha—? There is no food in my dresser. The only food in my bedroom is carefully wrapped and stashed in my bugout bag (in preparation for the earthquake, coming soon). I checked the bag: no ants. So what the heck are they doing picnicking in my tee-shirts? I'm confounded. I admit it. I don't understand ants. Or people.

I just found a caravan of ants trundling along the bathroom door jamb. I ran to get the diatomaceous earth bucket and paintbrush. Suddenly I felt something crawling on the back of my hand. Some things. Ants! Crawling from the dust, making a break for freedom, via my hand! The resilience (and nerve) of these tiny creatures is astounding. If I had half their persistence, well, I leave it to your imagination.

Excuse me while I pull my ant helmet further down over my ears. Clearly, this siege is not ending any time soon.

Turn here

I spent a couple hours today working on my first lesson plan for the Marketing course that was supposed to begin tomorrow evening. That's right. Was supposed to begin. I got a phone call from the Dean late in the afternoon: Sorry, the class is cancelled due to lack of students. I made all the appropriate noises and so did she. After I hung up the phone, I shocked my cat by bursting into song. Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles! The universe has spoken!

I'm not surprised the class was cancelled. This is the world of for-profit career education, after all. Vocational students say one thing and frequently do another. And when you push them toward a deadline, they balk.

Am I sad? Not even slightly. I took a few minutes to calculate the financial return I could have expected from the 11-week course (lest I be deluding myself that I was doing it for the money). By the time you factor in a couple hours a week of prep time, an hour of commute time, and a couple gallons of gas, what looked like a reasonable hourly rate dropped by two-thirds. I might as well be paying them.

What other reason besides earning a few dollars would I have for teaching at a dreaded for-profit career college? Other than the relatively minor joy of teaching marketing, the only solid reason I can think of is that it would give me stories to blog about. I never lack for stories to blog about. But students are so.... ripe for skewering. It would have been a rich source of material for my pen-like sword. Sword-like pen. Whatever.

I'm not unhappy with this turn of events. In fact I'm relieved. Tonight I used my sudden sense of freedom to finish stuffing and stamping my first batch of direct mail marketing letters. I know the recipients will toss them in the recycling bin, but that's okay. If I don't take action, then nothing can happen. That much I know. I'm taking each day as it comes. These days I stay pretty close to the present moment, and that keeps me fairly serene. If the universe says turn here, I turn. In this case, it seems the universe has recalculated my personal GPS.

Tomorrow, though, I wouldn't be surprised if I get another phone call from the Dean, saying the student(s) have reappeared and would I still be willing to teach the class? That's the crazy world of for-profit higher education. This institution appears better than the one that laid me off last year—regional accreditation makes everything seem shiny. But look under the hood and you see the same engine driving the operation: the profit motive. Even regional accreditation can't make a for-profit institution be something it isn't. The more I think about it, the more I suspect I just dodged a bullet.

The chronic malcontent gets on with the business of living

I'm pleased with myself tonight. If I weren't so tired, I'd be typing this dancing. Well, maybe not dancing, but shuffling. Why am I pleased? I figured out how to give a special gift to the wonderful folks who register on my website. No, it's not a box of chocolate, sorry, in case you were thinking of signing up. It's just a boring white paper about a topic I fear only I am interested in. But whatever. I'm dipping my timid toe into the raging current known as content marketing. So, kudos to me.

That's my technological victory. Not terribly impressive, I know. In a few months when I want to offer a different gift, we'll see if I'm able to remember how I did it. That's the problem with technological victories. They don't come with handbooks my brain can retain. I have to start over from scratch. Thank god for the Internet.

Any other victories to report? No progress on the ant situation: I continue to battle for space in the kitchen, and I'm not above eating them (although fear of being dinner doesn't seem to faze their industrious foraging).

I can report a little forward motion on the networking front. I went to a marketing event on Wednesday evening. Once again I braved the rain to join the unwashed masses on mass transit. The vent was at an independent theater near the famous Powell's bookstore. The event was a lecture by a marketing research guy. The topic: writing effective survey questions. I went to find out what I don't know. You know, the holes in my knowledge. As it turns out, I know a lot, which is nice, and (almost) worth the $40 it cost me to attend.

There weren't many people there, maybe 30 at the most. Not surprisingly, almost all of them were much younger than me. They're so attractive. And they talk so fast, these young marketers. So energetic. Where do they get their energy? Oh, I know, don't tell me. Red Bull. Mountain Dew. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. Obviously: I remember when Mountain Dew was a hillbilly beverage. Now Mountain Dew's former tagline is the name of my email provider. What the f—?

I managed to participate in and even instigate a few conversations, but failed the next day to convert anyone into a LinkedIn connection. I've lost steam on my quest to gain connections. I haven't even hit 100 yet; I'm bogged down in why bother? I get the idea in principle, but in practice, it seems like a futile bit of ego-stroking. Look how many connections I have! Nobody cares.

I wish life were only full of victories. But I guess I have a defeat to report. Victory... defeat... who is to say? It feels like a defeat to me. My mother thinks it is a victory. What am I talking about? This week I agreed to teach one two-hour marketing class per week for the next 11 weeks at a for-profit university in the Tigard triangle. That is the area of the city that has become a hub, a mecca, a swamp of higher education. I won't name the place I signed on with. Who cares. The gig starts Tuesday.

The good news is their rate is more than twice what I was paid at the career college that laid me off last year. The bad news is the class is only two hours a week. The good news is I'll be teaching marketing! (Instead of keyboarding, or Word, or Excel...) The bad news is that it could take me almost an hour to get there if there is traffic. The good news is my car gets pretty good gas mileage. The bad news is... there are only four students in the class. Argh. But the good news... and why my mother is pleased: it's money. It's postponing the moment when she feels compelled to swoop in and rescue me. And more good news: it's blog fodder.

So... victory or defeat? Who knows. It's like any situation: It has pluses and minuses. After a while, when your head stops spinning, you slow down and realize it really doesn't matter. In the end all we have is right now, this moment. Tomorrow is out of our control. Time to stop judging and get on with the business of living.

It must be spring! The chronic malcontent has been swarmed by ants

It's that time of the year again: the season when I subsume my own needs and desires to the whims of the insect overlords who inhabit the Love Shack. I once thought I was something special because I'm descended from cells that figured out how to escape the primordial ooze. Now I know I'm nothing but a transport device for my ant masters to move from one part of their domain to another. And if I forget it, they do not hesitate to punish me by biting the back of my neck. Bad human!

It's hard to imagine creatures so tiny could have such a profound impact on something as large and powerful as a human (I claim god-like qualities because it's true: I'm bigger than an ant and capable of raining serious destruction on their tiny heads. That makes me large and powerful.) What impresses me is how relentless they are. And sneaky. (If I were half that relentless and sneaky, well... you can imagine! I probably wouldn't live in a place overrun by ants!)

In my efforts to defend my turf, I periodically reinforce the barricade around my compost bucket with a wall of diatomaceous earth, which I understand for an ant (or any crawling insect) is quite painful, like swallowing pins while walking on broken glass. White powder runs the length of the counter and surrounds the microwave. The place looks like a debauched baker got carried away with the wheat flour. Of course, if you know me, you know that we are gluten-free here at the Love Shack. So it's more likely to be anthrax than wheat flour. (Kiddding.) In any case, once it gets wet, the diatomaceous earth is no longer effective. Then it clumps into handy little stepping stones for ants to more easily forage among the tasty detritus around my sink.

Last night I found a dozen ants congregating in my bathtub. The cabal broke up when I swooped in with a sponge. Now, I don't mind sharing my space with well behaved critters. I'm all about live and let live (as long as you stay out of my bed). I'm sorry to say, some of them ended up floating in the soap scum. I don't like to see any creature suffer, but let's be realistic. It's pretty damn hard to save every drowning ant, especially when they are hell bent on invading my bathtub. What can you do? Well, the good news: So far they have avoided my toothbrush. I take that as a sign that I've finally found a toothpaste that doesn't appeal to ants (and dentists).

While I was on the phone today with my friend V., two ants skittered across the back of my neck. I assumed they got on the mass transit system (my fleece shirt) in the kitchen, planning to get off in the living room, where they no doubt intend to watch television or surf the Web. However, V. said something that led me to believe that ants are dive-bombing onto my head from the ceiling! I can't see them, but they are sneaky, as I have already pointed out. I wouldn't be surprised if they have little cloaks of invisibility.

Desperate times call for drastic measures. (Coincidentally just in time for Easter) I'm in the process of inventing a hat shaped like a wide flat bucket. I have plenty of cardboard. I intend to fill the hat with diatomaceous earth. The stuff isn't heavy, so that won't be a problem. It's a bit dusty, though, so I might have to wear a face mask. Small inconvenience if it keeps the ants off my neck. Have I mentioned, those little f--kers bite!

While patrolling the kitchen, I captured two scouts exploring the cat food area. I don't know how they got through. They must have had inside information. I've got the whole cat food area diatomaceously dusted... under the rug, around the edges, all along the window sill, and under the elevated platform on which the cat food dishes are placed—in water filled dishes that serve as moats. (We aren't kidding around here at the Love Shack.) And still the ants have infiltrated my defenses. They are either kamikaze sky-divers, or they are spirit ants from a parallel universe. Either way, I'm fighting a losing battle. If I don't post again within the week, send in the fumigators and save my cat.

Rethinking fear

Sometime back I think I said my new mantra was something like do what scares me. Not just do what interests me, but do what scares me. At the time I think I was referring to the challenge of committing 100% to my fledgling business start-up. That makes sense. Being self-employed is a daunting prospect. I admit I'm terrified. But self-employment is a worthwhile endeavor—for many reasons, which I'll talk about some other time if I remember—in spite of the fear it may generate.

Today I'm thinking some more about fear. Up until recently I assumed fear was my enemy. My assumption was based on the reactions of people around me when I expressed fear. The typical advice I heard also happens to be the title of a well worn book probably everyone has heard about but not felt like reading: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway. Whatever it is, is up to each person, I suppose. I don't remember reading the book, but I probably did, back in the days when I was searching for my soul in the self-help section. Anyway, when I expressed fear, people seemed to hear it as a call to arms, a rallying cry. Fear! Must obliterate fear!

I had occasion this weekend to express a certain fear to a small group of folks who know me pretty well. The group was trying to decide if it wanted to host an annual conference in our city in August of 2015. My job was to facilitate their decision making process. Notwithstanding the fact that August of 2015 is more than a year away, I dolefully expressed my fears about how difficult the undertaking, how overwhelming the task, how likely it would be that people who step up now with exuberant enthusiasm in March of 2014 will collapse by the wayside by July 2015, when there are two weeks till Go Live and the volunteers have melted into the woods. I've been around that block before. I know a hole in the sidewalk when I see it.

The outcome was unexpected. I fear that expressing my fear actually whipped the members of this small group into a righteous fervor. After I had my say, it came time to vote on the decision. I looked them in the eyes, one after another, and polled them, one by one. To a person, they all forthrightly proclaimed their willingness to submit the bid with a firm and resounding “Yes!” I was dumbfounded. The group had spoken. I think expressing my misgivings about the endeavor, rather than dissuading them, actually spurred them in the opposite direction!

After I stopped bleeding (metaphorically speaking), I started thinking, is fear always something to be identified, walked toward, walked through? Are there no instances where fear actually protects us from the temptation of leaping foolishly toward something that could kill us?

I remember when I used to drive a school bus. I was terrified every day, and with good reason. I ferried peoples' children, the most precious of cargo. Every day was a chance to get hit by the MAX train, or to run over a child who had dropped a backpack in the gutter, or to smash in a kid's skull with the wheel chair lift. (These are all things that almost happened.) I don't know if my fear protected me then, during that tense academic year. But I know the thought of reliving that fear protects me now. No matter how badly I need a job, I will never again drive a school bus. My fear will prevent me. And I am grateful for that fear.

So maybe my original blithe remark about challenging myself by doing what scares me was a bit naive, maybe not thoroughly considered. Maybe fear isn't always the enemy. Maybe sometimes fear can be a friend. Maybe it's like any other situation—or person—we meet in life: a bit of both.

Driving in circles

Yesterday I had a job interview in Tigard, which is a... I guess you would call it a suburb of Portland, although you can't tell where one city ends and the other begins. Tigard isn't as far as Wilsonville, which is where the career college I used to work for is located, but I can't get to Tigard by sneaking down the scenic route, I-205 (trees, dead deer, open fields). I had to muscle my way through the meat of the city. First I went west on I-84 (formerly known as Sullivan's Gulch, a tree-filled canyon that was carved up for Oregon's first freeway, AKA The Banfield). I-84 splits when you get to the Willamette River. You can go north. You can go south. I went south and crossed the river on the Marquam Bridge, a tall imposing double-decker that will plunge into the drink when the earthquake decimates the Rose City.

Time out while I bask in the glow of one of the greatest driving songs of all time: The soundtrack to Route-66 is playing through my speakers. Okay, I'm back. I wish that song were longer. So, where was I? Oh yeah, driving across the bridge, headed for Tigard. It's really not that far, if there's no traffic. I knew where I was going, more or less, and eventually I arrived at a multi-story office building housing a number of businesses, including some well-known brand names I wouldn't mind working for.

My destination was in the basement of that building, where a proprietary college from the Midwest has planted its flag, staking out territory for its first foray into the west coast market. At first glance, it appears to be just like the career college I left last year, perhaps with slightly deeper pockets and a longer reach. Why the Portland market, I wondered? Who cares. I looked at their reviews online, both students and employees, and they weren't any different from any other career college's reviews, that is to say, unimpressive.

Still, I was there to interview to teach one marketing class, their first ever on-ground class in that location, so I put my best malcontented foot forward and stumbled through the rain from the parking lot to the basement door. The place was empty. No students yet, just two administrators and some hardworking salespeople, I mean, admissions counselors, working the phones in little cubicles in a long narrow room with no windows. The administrator took me on a tour—see the lovely break room, the medical lab?—but we didn't go in the boiler room.

I had prepared a short first-day icebreaker lesson as a demonstration of my teaching skills, which I presented to the two administrators in a computer lab with one window high up on the wall. Through the window I could barely make out the grills and undercarriages of parked cars and pickups. As I talked, I had the eerie feeling I'd been there before. The computers looked a little different, but the beige walls and bland gray carpet looked the same. With fewer fingerprints and coffee stains, maybe, but give them time. I should have felt enthusiastic: Yay, I (might) get to teach marketing. But all I felt was a neutral resignation. Yay, a job, maybe. $500 for a couple months of wrestling with traffic and unmotivated students.

Haven't I been down this tired path? Why am I chasing one lousy marketing class at yet another despised for-profit college? I'm a dream come true for this outfit. I know their market as well as anyone they'll ever hire to teach there, considering proprietary vocational education was the topic of my doctoral research. They don't deserve me. They can't afford me. And if they offer me the class, I'll probably say yes. Because some money is better than no money.

Invisible old chronically malcontented white woman seeks way to get noticed

Two things have become clear to me tonight after attending yet another networking event. First, if I want a successful networking experience, I must produce the event myself. And second, I am invisible. Yep. You heard it right. Invisible.

After a pointless bout of self-flagellation related to my perceived failure to attend an early morning networking event last week, I decided to only network after noon. Today's event began with a workshop at 4:30 p.m., a very civilized hour especially if one is headed downtown against traffic. Driving was not a problem, but parking was. I cruised the streets in northwest Portland for about 15 minutes, loathe to pay a dime to a city meter. Finally I found a 2-hour meter-free spot, only six blocks away from my destination. I parked and hustled along the flooded sidewalks in the pouring rain. I knew I was almost late. Too much time spent trolling for parking! Darn. I spotted the restaurant and threw myself through the door ahead of a stylish young couple who clearly had not been there before, and thus had no idea that seating was limited. Breathing heavily and covered in rain spots, I found a chair at the last open table, in the very back of the Kontiki Room and sank onto the seat. (Yes, the Kontiki Room: It was the monthly meeting of PDXMindshare at Trader Vics.)

The other occupant of the table was a petite young woman with long blonde hair and flawless skin. I introduced myself, still breathing heavily, and found out she was a manager at Pottery Barn. We talked about how marketing research could help Pottery Barn find out if customers are satisfied. After I explained to her what marketing research was. I know. Well, you gotta start somewhere.

The couple I had barged in front of only minutes before sat down to my right. I welcomed them. (I detected no hint of resentment.) The young lady had a wide infectious smile. She said she was looking for work. The young man was thin, somewhat swarthy, and very stylishly dressed (pointy shoes). I felt like a wrecking ball, with my scarf, hat, mittens, giant messenger bag. I didn't care. I got out my notebook, ready to take notes, as the place filled up with people. This time I was on the inside of the fishbowl, not one of the hapless losers milling around outside in the lobby. Yes!

The workshop began. The topic was Building Confidence for your Job Search, led by an older gentleman (older than me, I think, although one never knows for sure). He was nattily dressed in an earth-toned striped shirt, khaki jacket, and beige silk tie. His brown pants were belted unashamedly across the middle of his girth. He looked like a well-dressed old man, except for his crowning glory: a ponytail of frizzy gray hair. How can you not love an old guy with a ponytail? Somehow ponytails make men look young, no matter how high-waisted they belt their pants, am I right?

I won't bore you with all the details of his talk. The audience seemed rapt, but there was nothing new there for me. (I'm not really sure why I went, honestly, except that it's possible if I keep showing up—I mean that metaphorically, too—something will happen. For sure, nothing will happen if I stay alone at home.) I drew pictures in my journal while the speaker showed a few uninspired PowerPoint slides and gave a shout-out for Toastmasters, which inspired me to consider becoming willing to think about looking up a local chapter. (Don't want to rush into anything, especially not when it comes to public speaking.)

While the presentation was in progress, a young waitress in black made the rounds, taking drink orders. She approached our table and spread out little drink napkins for everyone except me. The blonde ordered something. They talked a bit. Then the waitress skipped past me as if I weren't there, and took an order for two beers from the young couple to my right. I was there. I'm sure I was there. But the waitress didn't even look at me. Was I invisible?

I would have said something if the circumstances had made conversation easier. I didn't want to order anything, that's not the issue. I'm on a budget, after all. But to be blatantly passed over, as if I were invisible... such an odd feeling, to not exist.

It's happened before, usually at Best Buy kind of places. Salespeople tend to ignore me. I think it's partly how I dress. I don't look like I have money. And I usually look slightly odd, I guess you could say off, in some way. But I'm pretty sure it also has to do with age. It's my belief that young people don't pay attention to old people (unless the old people happen to be their grandparents, and only then to get birthday presents.)

Here's how I see it. At a table of four, three of the guests were stylish and young. The fourth guest (me) was clearly no longer young. Stylish, maybe, in a weird geeky hyperthyroidish way, except for the polyester knit slacks (which she couldn't see!). Three in plain view, one invisible.

I'm sure there are things I can do to be more visible. I can change my appearance in some way. Grow my own version of a ponytail, maybe. Add a green streak, perhaps. How about a lip ring, something really flashy. And then throw on whatever clothes happen to be fashionable at Forever 21 (I have no idea what that might be, I've never been in that store. I think my wheels lock up when I get near the entrance, like an old KMart shopping cart.) But you get my drift. I could change my appearance in some way. Or I could start singing random songs or reciting Beat poetry when I find myself in crowds.

I could also change my setting. Instead of hanging out with young people, I could make sure I only hang out with old people. I mean, older than me. I mean, really old, like 80. I could join the Elks. Or I could just give up and join AARP. Then I'd be the youngest one in the group and they could all cackle and talk about how much the world has changed. Why, I remember when... Or hell, as long as we are brainstorming, let's get creative. Forget the age thing. Let's think big. Let's think color! How about if I seek out events for African Americans or Hispanics? I wouldn't be invisible then, would I! Let's hear it for the sore thumbs, the square pegs, the misfits. Ha! Take that, you young uninteresting conformist whippersnapper waitress, you.

Contemplating an uncertain future... but aren't we all?

Last Friday I failed to get up at 7:00 a.m. to drive downtown in the rain for a networking event. My failure precipitated a plunge into a moral crisis. Oh woe is me, I failed to show up. Well, that's not entirely true, is it? I showed up for eight hours of sleep, something I can be reliably counted on to do, ever since I joined the ranks of the self-employed.

After a day of self-flagellation, during which I had to take an extra nap just to escape the voices in my head, I realized that depriving myself of sleep to attend a networking event is not a demonstration of character. Neither is choosing to get a full eight hours of sleep a moral failing. Am I ready yet to get over myself? I think so. By Saturday I was on the mend, emotionally speaking, and by Sunday I was over it. Finally I accept my reality: I'm not made for mornings. It's that simple. I have no problem showing up for the most grueling of networking events, as long as they are held in the evening. I won't budge out of the house before noon if I can help it.

Now my perfect schedule is bed at 1:00 a.m., up at 9:00 a.m. Such a civilized routine. Unfortunately, my best working hours seem to be when people want to call and chat. They are done with their day while I'm just hitting my stride. Sometimes I have to be firm.

My mother is the queen of night owls. She used to stay up till 2:00 a.m., sitting quietly in the family room, smoking cigarettes and reading library books under the dim glow of a floor lamp. It always felt kind of creepy to me, but then I was doing much the same thing (minus the cigarettes), huddled under my bed covers, reading Nancy Drew in the silent night. No wonder I don't remember my childhood: I was walking dead sleep-deprived. Books were more real to me than reality.

Speaking of the maternal parental unit, last night she called for no apparent reason. We'd talked the day before, so her call was unexpected. (We don't talk every day.) I let her babble on, patiently waiting to find out why she was calling. I knew she would get to it eventually. She never just calls to idly chat. There's always a reason. It's either because she wants to tell me how I should live my life, or she wants me to help her with something so she can live hers. So what would it be this time? It wasn't my old laptop, that was working fine (except it doesn't have mahjong). It wasn't the condo board; that bunch is hopelessly misguided and even my mother's wise counsel can't save them (according to Mom). This time it was something unexpected.

“I've been thinking about what will come next,” she said matter-of-factly.

Bemused, I waited for her to explain.

“Mary and Paul Norberg live at Willamette View, you know,” she said.

“Right,”

“I can't afford Willamette View.”

“Okay...”

“Marge Iverson lives at Cherrywood,” she said. “They have a workout room and a pool.”

Okay, now I was starting to get it. She was thinking about where she will go when the condo is too much for her to handle. My stomach started clenching, but I kept my voice calm.

“That sounds nice,” I said.

“And they have a garden.”

“Great.”

“I want to think about this before it's too late and I run out of time,” she said.

“Okay, Mom. That makes sense. Let's see if we can take a tour, how about that?”

“That might be a good idea.”

After she hung up I looked at the Cherrywood Village website. The photos looked lovely, like a posh hotel. The prices were as expected: way too expensive for my siblings and me to handle. I calculated how long we could keep her there if we sold her condo for a reasonable price. Not quite five years. Huh. She's only 84. What if she lives longer than five years? Hell, her aunt lived to be 100.

When I contemplate the future, I have feelings I can't identify. Too much uncertainty makes me want to go back to bed.

The chronic malcontent didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it: the weather, that is

I reluctantly left my cave on Monday to take my friend V. to a doctor's appointment, not sure if I would ever see the Love Shack again. Thirty feet of 6-inch packed snow covered by a quarter-inch of ice lay between my car's front tires and the snow-rutted and gravel-strewn city street. If I could just get from my parking spot to the street, I figured the rest of the way would be mostly clear sailing. Driving, I mean. Sailing makes it seem like my Ford Focus can float. It's still a car, after all. What we really needed was a personal helicopter. I'm sure we'll all have them eventually, comfy contraptions that allow us to drone to our appointments, but that is another blog post.

Well, the joke is on me. The funny thing about a Ford Focus that is not equipped with snow tires or traction devices is that once you drive onto packed snow or ice, it really does feel like you are floating. It's all about maintaining forward momentum, while simultaneously keeping a lot of space between you and all nearby objects, including the vehicles in front and to the sides of you. At any moment forward movement may become sideways movement, so it's good to buffer yourself with some extra space. And the other thing is to avoid entering situations in which you make become trapped. Like parking lots filled with slush, for example. Or hills that go up or down. Which I guess is the definition of a hill.

The hill to V.'s house looked to be about knee-deep in snow and ice. Clearly a few intrepid drivers had attempted the incline. Some of them probably made it up the grade. I knew my low-to-the-ground car would not make it six feet before sliding back into traffic. I wasn't about to attempt the hill. But neither did I want to become another casualty abandoned in a snow drift along the side of the highway.

There was no place to park, but with flashers valiantly blinking I pulled over at the bottom of V.'s street and texted her: I'm at the bottom of your street. After what looked to be a harrowing journey down the hill, she was able to open the passenger door into a snow drift and squeeze herself into my car. Phase one, check! V. is safely in the car. We were on our way.

My friend V. is going to read this post and wish I'd said something about the actual time we spent at the doctor's office. Okay. Here's a synopsis. We arrived at 2:00 p.m., an hour early. We found a dry spot in the nicely plowed parking lot. The office was small, cluttered, a little funky, as alternative medicine places tend to be. Nobody wore lab coats or scrubs. I read magazines on a comfortable couch in the waiting area while V. filled out her paperwork. At about 3:00 p.m., the doctor called her name. I followed them into a carpeted treatment room occupied by a massage table and two nice leather chairs. V. and the doctor got those. I sat on a hard slatted wooden folding chair. We were there until almost 5:00 p.m.

I listened to V. tell her story of chronic illness to the stoic female doctor, wondering why my armpits were so hot and my feet so cold. Though I'd heard some of the story before, it was still heart-wrenching to imagine what my friend has gone through in her quest to find health. What I saw was a desperate woman verbally throwing herself once more on the mercy of a total stranger, hoping that she had finally found someone with a solution.

I wonder what is wrong with a society where doctors have a financial incentive to prescribe more medical tests just because an insurance company will pay for them. I also wonder how it can possibly benefit anyone but the healthcare industry when someone who is too sick to earn is forced to go begging from family and friends in order to raise funds for treatment.

But what do I know. My role was not to question the system. I was the witness, the chauffeur, the friend. My personal goal was to get her back to the bottom of her hill in one piece. Which I achieved, I'm happy to say. After I dropped her off, I cranked up the radio and began the trek home in twilight. Who knew that trying to see the lane markers under the rutted gravel-pocked snow could be so tiring. There was only one moment where things might have gone sideways. I was ready to make a left turn, just before the light turned yellow. At that moment a slow-moving pedestrian took the opportunity to begin sauntering across the street. I managed to stop (with some fanfare, AKA, I skidded on a patch of ice) before I actually entered the intersection. The ped made it safely across the street. While I waited through the light, I wondered if other pedestrians could read my lips. I hope not. They would have seen me liberally berate the slow ped. Which was my way of thanking the universe for letting my car stop in time to avoid a catastrophe. And better slow ped than dead ped, I guess. Crossing a street in Portland can be deadly.

Tuesday I ventured out to the store to forage for food. The store shelves were a little bare, but the place was packed with giddy shoppers, thrilled to be released from their burrows in the balmy 40 degree rain. I stocked up on organic broccoli, but they were out of zucchini. Wednesday night a warm wet front moved in and by morning the snow was gone. I'd be happy never to see snow again.

The chronic malcontent whines about "snowpocalypse"

I've had it with snow. After three windy blizzards in three days, I am ready to go back to bed to wait for spring. I'm fed up with seeing families cavort past my snow-covered steps, carrying their sleds and boogie boards up to the park. Wipe those smiles off your faces! Stop laughing! Don't you know some of us prefer to suffer?

This morning I swept my front porch and steps, cutting a narrow trail to a plastic-wrapped newspaper someone dumped on my front walk, a paper I never ordered and don't want. A few minutes after I ducked back into my warm cave, it started snowing again. Within minutes my steps were an inch deep in white powder, and it hasn't let up since. My friends in Minnesota are probably playing the tiny whiny violin right now, but they don't understand that Portland is not equipped for more than three inches of snow. The city is shut down, essentially. The MAX and streetcars are running just to keep the lines clear, but many buses are on snow routes.

Up here on the shoulder of Mt. Tabor, I've heard some snow plows go by. I rush to the window to see flashing tail lights disappear around the corner. Sometimes they leave a trail of gravel in their wake. But buses are as rare as blue whales. It seems we have been abandoned, here on the busiest bus route of the city. The last bus I saw gingerly turning the corner onto Belmont was early on Thursday  morning. Now it's Saturday. Apparently we have been forgotten by mass transit. If I want off this hill, I'm going to have to hike down.

Luckily I have food. As long as the power stays on, I'm good. And I have snow boots (purchased after the snowstorm of 2008, learned my lesson), if I really have to get out of here. Meanwhile, there's nothing to do but focus on the things I am trying to avoid. The things that scare me. Like... marketing.

I remember one memorable winter in the 1960s when it snowed for days. We kids were in heaven, digging snow caves in 6-foot drifts. It was so cold in our drafty old farmhouse that my family camped out in the living room in front of the fireplace. As a pre-teen, I loved it. Later, I can say that the prospect of enduring more winters like that one was why I headed south as soon as I was old enough to fly the nest.

It may be a couple more days until the mess outside turns into slush and I can get my car out. I look forward to the moment. By then I will be out of eggs and fresh produce. I fear my cat might start to look strangely appetizing.

Dusting off my parental translation machine

As I putter from task to task, hoping at least one of my marketing strategies will bring a client to my email inbox, I hear the almost constant voice of my mother in my head. Not in a good way.

I used to hear the voice of both my parents. The parents used to tag team, good cop (literally, my father was in law enforcement) and bad cop. My father would keep me tied to him with handouts of money, while my mother would do her best to shove me out of the nest with admonitions along the lines of, “Get a job!” Since 2004 the paternal parental unit is enjoying the great Superbowl game in the sky, so all I have left is my mother to carry on the tradition of reminding me how epic is my failure at life.

I see my mother once every couple weeks and talk to her frequently on the phone. Not a whole lot has changed over the years. The last time I visited, while I stood by my car, one foot in, wondering if I would escape intact, she asked, “How's it going?”

I knew what she was asking. She wanted to know if I was earning any money yet. My mind began to scurry like a rat in a maze, looking for the response that would produce the least amount of psychic trauma. For me and for her.

“I'm working on it,” I said tersely.

“Anything happening?” This was not a casual question. It may sound casual to you, but I assure you, it was loaded with layers. You know what I mean. It's the confluence of tone and words that launch you automatically into flight or fight. Should I leap into my car and drive away? Or should I punch her lights out? That makes me laugh. She looks like you could breathe hard and knock her down, but in her younger years she was known as Mighty Mouse, so I don't assume anything. I think I could take her, but...

With one foot in my car, I looked at her and thought to myself, This is where my old parental translation machine would really come in handy.

What is a parental translation machine, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It won't come as a surprise, once I tell you what it is. I'm sure you have one of your own. The parental translation machine is the mental meat grinder we use to translate what our parents say into what they really mean. Really mean.

Here's a classic example from my late teenhood. My father used to criticize my appearance. I resented that, understandably, and I felt especially hurt because I was enamored with the world of fashion. I used my appearance to express my personality. Which means most of the time I looked like a nut. A fashionable nut. I sewed my own clothes: hot pants, bell bottoms, peplummed jackets with ties in the back that would inevitably fall into the toilet... I thought I was pretty darn cool. My father was not impressed.

“Why don't you wear some nice Ship n Shore slack outfits?” he said. From his point of view it made perfect sense: mix and match separates, perfect for home or office or in my case, college. What's not to love?

Because I had not yet developed my parental translation device, I interpreted his comment as, “You look like an idiot! No one is going to take you seriously when you dress like a fool. Plus you are making me look like a fool! How do you think I feel, standing next to my daughter, who is wearing red corduroy hot pants?”

Of course, because I interpreted his comment as a criticism, my response was to fly off the handle, say something mean, and sulk in my bedroom among my unfinished sewing projects.

But if I had had the parental translation device, I would have realized something very important. I would have realized what my father was really trying to tell me. He was trying to say, “Daughter, I love you. And because I love you, I want you to be safe and secure in this world. I want to protect you from public shame and ridicule. I want to stand next to you and feel proud of what a talented and creative young woman you have become. I say these things because I love you and I want the best for you.”

If I had only had that device sooner.

So now that I am older, wiser, and I have the parental translation device, I know that when my mother asks a loaded question about my capacity to earn, she is really expressing her love and concern for me. She is saying she wants me to be safe. She wants to die knowing that I will be okay, that I won't be struggling to survive.

How did I respond? I usually get mad and stuff it down, and get away from her as fast as I can. This time I said, “Mom, I appreciate that you are worried about me. I am grateful for your love and care. Would you be willing to keep your fear to yourself, if you can, as I am carrying enough fear for the both of us. I can tell you I am doing all that I can, that this process takes time, and I have plenty of money in the bank. I will not starve.”

“I just don't want to see you use up all your savings,” she whined. “You know, when your brother got laid off from his job, when he went back to school, he didn't call us!” Duh, Mom. I'm not surprised, considering what happens when we interact with you. I put her new comment into my parental translation machine, and the message that came out was, “You are so independent. I know you will be okay. But I need to be needed sometimes, remember. I love you for your amazing strength and perseverance.”

Oh, man. I just started bawling. To imagine my mother saying those words was more than I could bear. It won't happen in my lifetime, but I know that is what she would say if she could.

Today I received an official email from my university, stating that my graduation had been processed and I will be receiving my Ph.D. diploma in a few weeks. My transcripts are now updated. I'm officially an alum. It could be I'm weeping over that a little bit, too.