Where was I? Loose ends. One big ugly one hanging out there is what to do with my 401K. My pathetic little pile of marbles. I could leave it with my employer's plan administrator, but honestly, I'm hell-bent on burning bridges. Exit, stage right! The human resources director (and I use the word human very loosely) is someone I hope I never have to think about again. The sooner my fully-vested nest egg is out of her domain, the sooner I can exorcise her presence from my mind. I'd rather take it all to Vegas and put it on red than have to look at my former employer's name every time they send me a quarterly update. With that imperative in mind, I filled in the transfer form. Tomorrow my letter will wind its way to the new corporate location and into her hot sweaty hands. She will presumably sign it and send it on to the place that will welcome the new contribution to my traditional IRA. A few more marbles to add to my pile. Not enough marbles to retire on. Just enough to inspire the banker to snicker behind his hand after I hesitantly visit him for advice.Another loose end is the fact that I am almost completely unemployable. I blame my attitude. I could certainly apply for office administration jobs, if I deleted my Ph.D. A.B.D. designation from my resume (and if I were willing to work for $11.00 an hour). The thought of doing secretarial work makes me want to hurl, if you get my meaning. Hurl. Barf. Whatever. I long ago accepted the fact that I am not secretarial material. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm female anymore, and don't you have to be female to be a secretary? What? Oh.
Well, anyway, the typing life is not for me. Wait, I'm typing right now. I mean, typing someone else's bullsh-t instead of my own, that's what I mean. I can type my own crap all day long. This blog has been excellent training for typing palaver. (That's another term for crap.) If only I could make money typing palaver. I know people do it. The internet is full of palaver.
I called the man who administers the local SEA program. SEA stands for self-employment assistance. For those of us who might be unemployable, maybe self-employment is the answer. Although if no one else wants to hire me, I am not sure I should assume that I would either. In any case, it's a loose end that needs attention, so I called, and he emailed me some forms. I downloaded the file and found a list of questions to answer: essentially a summary of a business plan. I took a deep breath and started filling it out. Partway through I came to the question: How will you market your business? I rubbed my hands together. Well, let's see... I started writing the usual: advertising, direct mail, networking and referrals, website, blog, social media... wait, what? Did I just write social media? Me, the anti-christ of Facebook?
The thought of putting my “real and true name” on facebook makes me want to...you guessed it: hurl. Twice in one day is my limit, so what did I do? Very cleverly, I devised a fake name and registered it with the State of Oregon. I am $50 poorer, but greatly relieved. I would tell you what it is, my fictitious business name, but then this blog wouldn't be anonymous anymore. And where would the fun be in that?
I will email my completed SEA application to Salem tomorrow. In the meantime, I will begin writing a more comprehensive business plan. I also must keep applying for jobs in order to get unemployment assistance. I think I have a strategy for that. Working on the assumption that 75% of all jobs are never advertised, I've decided to ignore job listings and just send resumes to cool places I'd like to work. Who knows, I might get lucky. They might hire me to write palaver for them.
