My editing agency jobs have all but dried up. The agency guy decided he needs to spend more time with his growing children and his full-time job. Who knew this editing agency was his side gig! He could have said he was tired of wrangling unhappy dissertators complaining about paying four cents per word before I cut out half their content. I wouldn't have blamed him. In response to his long list of reasons (excuses) why he's stepping back from the agency, I wrote, “Family comes first.” That is my standard response when someone chooses family over meeting my needs. I really believe it.Last night, in a bid to stave off homelessness, I applied online to work part-time at a local home improvement store. I like to build things; maybe I could sell lumber to older gals who aspire to build their own bookshelves. I was cruising efficiently through the web application when I encountered a date field that would not accept a date earlier than 1993. I laughed and took a screen clip of this reminder that I am old. As if I would forget.
I will be very surprised if I get an interview request, even though I'm an employer's dream. They couldn't pay to buy the qualities I bring in the door for free: I will show up, work hard, and never steal. The Universe will have to decide this outcome. I don't really want to work at a home improvement store, but since when have my intentions produced results. I'd much prefer to earn money writing and making art. At my advanced age, here's what I've learned: It's easy to say I want something but much harder to take action to get it.
I am frequently reminded that the people who seem to make money are the ones who tell the rest of us how to make money. There's something wrong with that picture but I can't quite figure out what. You've heard the conversation, no doubt, which goes like this: Person 1 says to Person 2, “Give me a dollar and I'll share with you my secret strategy for making money.” Person 2 hands Person 1 a dollar. Person 1 says (while walking away), “That, my friend, is how you do it.” The winners: PayPal, Etsy, Udemy, and all the (former) artists and writers who figured out their path to success was telling people how to find their own path to success. Who are the losers? The hopeful, gullible dreamers who don't know what to do with the “secret” when they get it. Or are too scared to try. Or who keep trying in spite of failure. Talent is highly over-rated. Success depends more on persistence and luck. That is why I don't give up.
I can't seem to generate much enthusiasm about anything these days. I waver between derisive humor, self-deprecating chagrin, and debilitating despair. On the days my mother is too sleepy (tired, weary, depressed, exhausted) to walk me to the back door of the retirement home, I walk myself, humming our favorite tune (She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain). I walk myself out the back door to my car. As I drive away, I always look back at the window where she stands to wave me good-bye with the peace sign and a big grin. When she's not there I feel sad, relieved, fearful, and bereft. I don't know what to do with all these feelings.
From day to day, I attempt to do the things on my to-do list. Hence, this blog post. It's on my list. Sometimes I avoid blogging because writing means feeling. Other times, I'm anxious to get all my angst onto the page but my brain is too fogged to focus. Spring is my S.A.D. fog time. Later I will go out for a walk in the sunshine. It's on my to-do list. Walking always makes me feel better, eventually, although sometimes I prefer the oblivion of napping. Sometimes I find it difficult to be awake. However, on my last stroll through the park, I had four satisfyingly creative ideas. I arrived home sweaty but so happy to know I have not lost my creative spark.
