In retreat, on retreat

Homelessness probably can be a spiritual experience for people who are supremely enlightened. I’m not one of those people. Homelessness to me says total loser, you fail at life. Instead of saying I’m homeless, how about I say I’m going on a retreat? Would you judge me any less harshly if I told you I’m going to unplug for a while in pursuit of my spiritual and financial wellbeing?

Going on a retreat is a time-tested way to disconnect from everything in search of . . . what? Higher meaning? Spiritual purpose? Lower body mass index? There’s even a thing called an adventure retreat! Who knew.

I’m in good company: People have been going on retreats for millennia, seeking whatever they believe they are missing. Wellness, connection, adventure, God. I’m not lookingn for anything fancy. I want some time, peace, and solitude so I can get back to my writing.

Of course, it’s true, I have so far not been able to find affordable housing, but that doesn’t mean going on a writing retreat is proof that I’m a colossal failure. The stock of affordable housing is low right now. It’s a structural problem, not a personal moral failing on my part. Yes, it’s a moral failing on the part of American society, and I suppose you could say I’m part of that, but seriously, as a bleeding heart liberal, I always vote on the side of the homeless. Homeowners need to stop complaining about their property values and practice a little compassion. We are all one tornado, one hurricane, one wildfire, one flood away from homelessness. If you think your homeowner’s insurance policy will save you, think again.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Writing retreat. Not a failure. I could claim it as a victory of sorts. If all goes according to plan, I will be able to live within my means while being creative, productive, and maybe even helpful to others, if I can figure out how to have occasional access to the internet.

Some of my friends have expressed fear and anxiety on my behalf. I understand. Being homeless is one of their worst fears. To them, homelessness represents a massive catastrophic failure of some kind, usually on the part of the one who has become homeless. I hope my friends will remember they still have their housing. They have little to fear. They are not the ones who will soon be living in a minivan. Probably. In addition, I hope they realize that projecting their fears onto me will not make anyone safer or more secure. Please, friends and loved ones, I am not responsible for your anxiety. It is not possible for me to live my life in such a way that you have no fear.

Seeking the road less traveled was cool when I was young. Being a bohemian artist, out till all hours, sleeping on friends’ couches, mucking up strangers’ beds. I could dress as wild as I pleased, it was part of my mystique, my creative self-expression, if you will. My style. I was highly invested in looking strange, acting weird, being unpredictable.

Now I’m old, and I care very little about what others think of me. Newsflash to only me: I was never unpredictable. I realize that now. My path was laid out for me from the moment I chose art over accounting. Anyone could have seen what was coming, even me, if I’d cared to look, which I did not. Living in the moment doesn’t involve a lot of self-reflection or concern for the future. I always assumed somehow it would all magically work out.

If by “working out,” I meant living an unorthodox, creative, road-less-traveled sort of life, well, by golly, I got what I asked for. Nobody thought to ask me how I defined success. I certainly never asked myself. Success meant doing what I wanted on my own terms. Ha. Boy, look how successful I have become! By that definition, I am a total success!

The tradeoff is that I have had to be willing to give up the trappings that come with a traditional definition of success. Career, house, family, wealth. Ho hum. The truth is, I’d be living in a Ford Focus if it weren’t for the random fact that my mother died before she spent all her money. Thanks, Mom. Still miss you, by the way. Hope you are enjoying that wind-blown, shrub-lined grotto we dumped you in last month. (I’m using the word “grotto” in the most generous sense and the word “dumped” in the most literal sense.) I still feel a little iffy about how that went down, but at least you are out of the box and gone with the wind. That can’t be a bad thing. I hope someday someone does the same for me.

So, what I was I saying? Oh, yeah, retreat. I’m in retreat. I’m going on a retreat. I’m following in the footsteps of millions, it’s definitely a road well traveled. Adventures could happen, miracles could occur, disasters could ensue. Anything is possible, whether you are a believer or not.

Fear is everpresent. Some fear is healthy. I hope not to meet a bear, for example. However, other fears are barriers to living. Taking a chance means I don’t know what will happen. What’s behind Door No. 3? Will it be a bear? Will it be a broken leg? Will it be a creative life filled with meaning and purpose? I won’t know unless I open the door.

I think I'm over the desert

Have you heard it said, "When one door closes, another door opens"? What are we supposed to make of that? It's not a truism, is it? It's barely a platitude. It feels like one of those foundationless, woowoo sayings similar to "Do what you love and the money will follow." Dumber advice probably exists but I can't think of it offhand. And as long as I'm pondering doors, who are these anonymous, faceless purveyors of door wisdom, and how do they know so much about the nature of doors? 

Is it human nature to slap a pithy aphorism on a situation in an effort to understand it? Imagining life as a series of flapping doors might be useful in a glass-half-full kind of way, but claiming when a door closes, another one opens seems like bunk based on wishful thinking. Doors, paths, cliffs, holes in the sidewalk . . . We use metaphors as proxies for the options we face. Do I want what's behind Door No. 3? Do I want to take the path less traveled? How long will I spend wallowing in the messy bog this time?

Speaking of messy bogs, I succumbed to cheese this week. Organic mozarella, how bad could it be? Thanks for asking. Apparently, mildly bad, but day after day, getting more bad. Badder. I hate to throw away food, even if it is possibly going to kill me.

As I drove from Phoenix to Tucson last week, my vertigo waves started accelerating in intensity. I thought, what the heck? Is it the stress of returning to my uncertain life? It's not like being on the road was such a carefree walk in the park. Then I saw the clouds boiling up over the mountains. Since then, we've had a week of weather. Daily, my head is a swamp of vertigo waves. The crackling in my right ear is as loud as a freight train, rolling through every two minutes or less. 

On the bright side, I visited a new ENT this week. I performed more or less adequately on another hearing test and answered yet another battery of questions. I like this new ENT. He studied at the University of Portland. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I will receive some actual vestibular testing and be granted a plausible diagnosis. However, he admitted he'd never met anyone having two-minute oscillating symptoms. I can sense another MRI in my future.

I look fine on the outside, as long as you don't count my ragged hair and shapeless clothes. You have to watch out with vestibular patients. We are unpredictable. I felt the staff in the ENT office observing my demeanor. Am I a crazy anxious patient who will require counseling and drugs? Or am I calm, credible, and worth the benefit of the doubt? Patients with vestibular problems are notoriously ignorable, mainly because vestibular issues are not well understood. It's easier to tell us it's all in our heads. Just do some volunteer work, you'll be fine.

So, apart from the existential question of what is happening in my brain, the next big question on my mind is where to go next. I'm sorry to report, the subsidized housing options in Phoenix have waitlists that are one to five years long. Priority is given to disabled folks and families. The odds of me getting in while I'm still independent and autonomous are very slim. Not impossible, though. 

I could put my name on a waitlist.

But now I realize, I don't want to be in the desert anymore, anyway. I thought I'd never get tired of being warm, but now the temperature is ramping up to brutal, the AC is pumping dry air into my lungs and nose, I'm blowing bloody clots, and I can't go outside except super early or after the sun goes down. What kind of a life is this? I think I am over living in the desert. 

Maybe I'm just cranky because I can't find housing I can afford here. If the desert had welcomed me, maybe I'd love it more, I don't know. I feel like Goldilocks sometimes. Nothing is ever quite right for me. Story of my life. I keep trying to write a new story, but I always regress to the mean. I'm an introvert, I prefer to live alone, I'm an artist, I can't hold a job for very long, and I like being warm but not too warm, dry but not too dry. Somehow, at my age, I don't think I'm going to easily change.

Uh-oh, I feel a cheese attack coming on. I'll catch you next time.

The special freedom of not caring

I'm back in Tucson, after my long-anticipated/planned/dreaded month-long road trip. Thirty-four days long to be exact. It would have been thirty-five but I returned a day early when the temperatures in Arizona climbed toward triple digits. I don't need more character building. 

Now that the trip is completed and I'm back in wi-fi-land, it's easy to romanticize the journey as epic, mind-blowing, and awe-inspiring. Not everyone can just drop everything to live in their car for a month. I had the freedom without responsibility that some of my friends coveted. I definitely found some roads less traveled out in the back of beyond on my trip. However, given that I bought gas almost everyday, the trip could also be characterized as a stupid, wasteful, self-centered consumption of resources in pursuit of a hopeless dream. 

Let's be pragmatic. Given the constant drip-drip drain on my bank account, I could classify the adventure as an exercise in learning how to be homeless. I now possess some powerful self-knowledge. As long as I have water, gas, and a little money, I can live in my car on the road. It is an insecure, somewhat dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle, but I could do it for a while if I had to. That is useful knowledge. In other words, my road trip was a form of survival training. I proved to myself I could live off the land in modern America. I wasn't trying to pare the spikes off prickly pears; I was trying to find road food that wouldn't give me diarrhea. It wasn't rattlesnakes I watched for; it was overly zealous security guards and aggressive light-flashing truck drivers. 

Don't misunderstand me. As I said, I'm really not into character building. Suffering is stupid. I don't want to live in my car, at least, not on city streets, but it's a relief to know I could for a while if I had to.

Part of the reason for the road trip, if you'll recall, was to find a place where I might feel physically and emotionally more at home. As you know, Tucson has not turned out to be a healthy place for me. In search of a lower-elevation alternative, I explored many cities, towns, and suburbs, large and small, crowded and vacant, coastal to desert and everything in between. I wandered from southern California through northern California, across Oregon, and into Washington, before turning south to return through Nevada and Arizona. I visited charming villages in the low desert. I revisited places along the California coast I knew and loved thirty years ago. I navigated Las Vegas, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland, and Spokane, and fervently hope I never have to drive through any of them again.

In no place was my ear miraculously silent. In no place did my disequilibrium subside. In general, my vertigo worsened at higher elevation, but even at or below sea level, it never went away. However, my malady seems to be related to changes in weather patterns (i.e., changes in barometric pressure), and weather followed me everywhere from the moment I crossed the border into California on my way to San Diego. Apart from a scant handful of blue-sky days, I experienced intermittent rain, wind, clouds, and cold temperatures wherever I went, from San Diego to Spokane, from Santa Monica to Phoenix. It wasn't until the final two days of my trip that the temperatures soared. 

Even then, no relief for the dizzy. It's hot here in Tucson, but it seems monsoon might be starting earlier than usual. Yesterday as I drove from Phoenix to Tucson, I couldn't figure out why my head was such an unbalanced mess. I chalked it up to the stress of driving 65 mph in a 75 mph zone. Now I think it's the massive thunderclouds that boiled up and started microbursting. The air is on the move.

Well, I will be on the move soon, too, one way or another. Maybe I won't be moving all that far away. I found out I prefer the cities south of Phoenix. Wide open spaces, big square blocks, and lots of trees. And there are WinCos. Maybe somewhere there will be a senior housing option for me. By the end of July, I hope I'm trucking my miscellaneous detritus to a new home, even if it is just to Phoenix. 

If Phoenix doesn't pan out, then I'll get out my road atlas and plot another road trip. One thing I've learned is that this country is big. I've seen a small fraction of what is possible. It stretches the bounds of credulity to imagine there is only one perfect place for me. For instance, I hear North Carolina is affordable and livable. Is that true? How would I know? You can tell a few things about a place from Google Earth, but you can't really know a place until you spend time there. 

I recommend wandering the streets, the grocery store parking lots, the strip malls, and the laundromats. Notice the weather, that goes without saying. Bundle up in a sleeping bag if you have to. Pay attention to people, and that means pedestrians, shop clerks, and truck drivers. Sleep in some home improvement store parking lots—that can tell you a lot about the working life of a certain segment of the town population, namely the overnight crew. 

When I was constantly on the move, the pace of my life shifted from the illusory goal of "getting work done" toward covering the miles. I had places to be and people to see, so I couldn't lollygag in one place for long. Once I had my final visit to my Spokane friend, I was free to take my time heading south. However, like the uninformed idiot that I am, I chose the so-called scenic route, which took me through some high mountain passes. I consider it a triumph of surrender that my head didn't explode at elevation 8,138 feet. Elevation affects temperature, did you know that? I guess I have to experience physics to believe in it. The rest stop in Burns, Oregon, was miserably cold. Reno, Nevada, was slightly lower and slightly warmer. I had to keep moving downhill to stay warm. The further south I went, the better I felt. By the time I got to Phoenix, I was finally feeling pretty good, until the heat ramped up, and twizzle twazzle twozzle twome. 

One more thing I learned. It's useful not to care. After a while, one mile is much the same as the next. The main thing is keeping the car running. If you can maintain the pace, mile after mile, then it doesn't really matter where you started or where you end up. It's all just journey.

Another week wandering but not lost

Day 28 of my epic road trip finds me parked in a Lowe’s parking lot in Reno, Nevada. I’m taking the “back road” back to Tucson, which means I am driving south on 395. Not one of my better decisions. I thought, oh, it will be so pretty and less traveled. Highway 395 is certainly both of those things. The terrain from Spokane, through Oregon, through a little slice of California, and now through a slice of Nevada has been breathtaking. In parts, I drove along a curvy two-lane road up the side of a cliff, looking down at a vast expanse of lake water (when I dared take my eyes off the road). Other sections of the drive cut across high-desert cattle country. Whenever I see cows grazing, I make my solemn vow: I will never eat you.

As far as less traveled, 395 is certainly that. There were many parts of the drive where I was the only car on the road as far as I could see, which was far, given the wide-open vistas of the high desert. Today is Sunday, so you’d expect most people with sense would be snoozing in bed, and I got an early start, but seriously, only car on the road. If I had missed one of those curves, my minivan would be entertaining fish at the bottom of one of those lakes. End of the epic road trip. You fail at life.

I enjoyed my solitude and tried not to think about what would happen if I blew a tire or had a heart attack. Nobody lives forever.

The main problem with my choice of travel route is the fact that the road goes through high desert. I should have realized this, but just looking at flat Google map did not show me that I would be driving over mountain passes higher than 5,000 feet in elevation. My head doesn’t seem to like higher elevation, or that is one of my current working theories, and my disequilibrium has been in full force on much of this trip through eastern Washington and Oregon. However, the other thing I don’t like is to be cold. And desert nights up here are cold.

Last night I arrived at my day’s destination, Burns, Oregon, which doesn’t have much to recommend it in terms of offering random parking on a side street on a Saturday night. I didn’t like the looks of the town much, so I kept going until I found a nice rest area, thanks to my new friends on iOverlander.

It started raining and kept raining most of the night. The temperature dropped to just above freezing. It was hard to stay warm, even with my little heating pad plugged into my dinky power station.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, but I have been fighting a cold for a few days. Is it a cold, or is it Covid? That is the question for this decade. I took a Covid test on Wednesday, which came back negative, but you never know. Covid is a sneaky virus.

The other thing that happens is that my memory foam mattress solidifies when it’s cold, so it feels like I’m sleeping on concrete. Who knew that was a phenomenon? Well, my housemate warned me, so some people know. I thought, how hard could it be? And I won’t be going anywhere where the temperature drops below 45°F anyway. Ha to both. It can be hard, and it gets effing cold in the desert at night.

So, what happens next? I’ve seen all the friends and family I could see (and who wanted to see me). I’ve tried to be a kind, respectful house guest, even when the hosts’ political views don’t jive with my own. I’ve eaten enough cheese and sugar to give my laboring heart a real workout. Many miles yet to go, so I hope my heart holds out a while longer.

I found my bottle of acetaminophen, but I can’t find my earbuds. You’d think after three weeks on the road, I would have figured out a routine. Nope. All I can say for sure is I brought way too much stuff with me, but I still can’t find the few important things I need. Oh well, at least I’m pain free while I talk to friends using my speakerphone.

Hope to see you next Sunday.

The wind in the shore pines

Day 22 of my epic road trip started as a typical spring day in Portland. That is to say, cloudy, damp, chilly, and depressing. I just dropped my sister off at the airport. Checkout time is noon. I’m hurrying to write and upload this blogpost before I lose internet access. I’m happy to report one of the main purposes of my trip has been fulfilled. Soon I will be free to move on from the city of my birth.

Speaking of free to move on, yesterday was the culmination of a family event long in the planning: the disposition of my mother’s ashes, which have been resting peacefully in a box for more than two years. My sister and I drove to the Oregon coast, met our two brothers at the South Jetty of Fort Stevens State Park, and braved a chilly ocean breeze to empty that box. You can probably imagine what happened.

First, it’s not legal to dispose of human ashes in the ocean at the shoreline. You are supposed to go three miles out before you dump the loved one overboard. We didn’t have a boat, and given the wind and high waves, you can imagine boating was not going to happen. In addition, partly because of beach construction and partly because of weariness and hunger, we did not seek out the Columbia River beach where we sent Dad off over the river bar to the Pacific, back in 2006. Now we are all a lot older. I have chronic vertigo, and my older brother is healing from a hip operation. My younger brother got lost trying to find us, so everyone was ready to take the easier, softer way. Next to the parking lot was a dense thicket of scrubby shore pines.

“She’d probably like being in there,” I said, thinking to myself, she’s dead, she won’t care where her ashes end up. Dirt, water, it’s all the same.

My older brother led the way. Instead of entering the thicket right from the parking lot, he chose a sandy path to the jetty. We stumbled after him, fighting the loose sand, buffeted by frigid wind. My pajama pants flapped around my legs. I put my hood up, a futile gesture. Soon I was miserable. Giving up was not an option, so I forged after my sister, who seemed impervious to the chill. Maybe my tolerance level is lower because I’ve been in Arizona for two years.

From the jetty, we backtracked into the scrubby bushes and found a little clearing.

“This looks good,” said my older brother. I’m not sure what criteria he was using, but nobody argued.

My younger brother’s knife was frustratingly dull, so breaking Mom free from the box and the plastic bag within took some doing. Finally, the bag was open. My brother held out the bag to us. One by one, we took handfuls of Mom’s earthly remains, now looking a lot like cement sand with a few little bits of white stuff and started flinging them on the ground.

“Don’t put them on the path,” my sister admonished.

The clearing was sheltered, but the wind was capricious. Within moments, we were all covered with white dust. I had a quick flash of Mom standing nearby, laughing, with a cigarette in her hand.

I said, “Miss you, Mom,” as I flung handfuls of Mom on a nearby bush. As soon as I said the words, I felt my throat close up, so that is all I managed to say as my special remarks on the moment. My younger brother was near tears and trying to hide it. I averted my eyes, knowing how much we desperately seek to hide strong emotions. Mom wouldn’t mind if we cried, I’m sure, but we wouldn’t be able to look into each others’ eyes over lunch at the Chinese restaurant, which is where I know we were all anxious to be without delay. If we could have beamed ourselves there, we would have.

I was too cold to appreciate the humor of the moment. I was aware of how silly we must have looked, skulking in the bushes to dump some ashes on the ground. Anyone walking their dog nearby would have thought we were doing drugs, or perhaps burying a body. Hm.

It took quite a few handfuls to empty the plastic bag. Finally, the job was finished. I took a photo of a leafless bush that used to be gray and now was white, covered with bits of my mother. Then we were ready to head back to our cars.

Back at the parking lot, we asked my younger brother’s wife to take our photo with my camera. I held up a small poorly printed photo of Mom that I always carry with me in my journal. My sister-in-law quickly took three photos. In the pictures, we look like tired, hungry escapees from a nursing home. Then, we caravanned to the Chinese restaurant and ate lunch as if we hadn’t just done what we did. I ordered vegetables and tofu. It wasn’t great. I tried to reach for a feeling of relief, and there was some of that, mainly a feeling that I was done with my personal caregiving obligation to my maternal parental unit. I don’t know how my siblings felt. Of course, we don’t talk about such things. But I felt some sense of satisfaction that I’d seen the job through. Whether she can be at peace in a scrubby grove of shore pines is beyond my ability to know. Short of renting a skiff and sending her out over the Columbia River bar or renting a plane and dropping her from the sky, we did what we could to put things right. You can’t leave your mother in a box forever. Eventually, you have to let her go.

A couple more days in Portland, a few more people to see, and then the epic road trip continues.