When I'm at the coast, I take long walks on the beach. I aim for the middle ground between soft dry and soggy wet. I walk in the early morning after coffee but before the fog burns off, before the wind kicks up. I have a lot of time to think while I walk, which has debatable value in terms of changing my housing situation. Eventually the endorphins infiltrate my brain and I get to the point where I just don't care anymore. It's not a bad place to be, compared to living today for a better past or trying to control the wreckage of the future.
Being in the present moment has never come naturally to me, probably because I live my life in constant fear. Fear of what, you ask? Doesn't matter. Fear of everything. Now that I actually do have a lot of danger to face, I think I can say I come by my fear honestly. But nothing much has changed. The only time the fear eases up is when I enter the present moment. To get there, for me, takes about 2.5 miles. I never get to happiness, joy, or contentment, but on a good day, I can get to neutral.
People I know do a lot to make peace with reality in the here and now. Some meditate, some go to special classes, some join groups and seek mindfulness together. I've never been much of a joiner, preferring to be on the periphery, watching, observing, not in the middle, not on center stage. I am sometimes dumfounded that I was a teacher for so long. I attribute my 10-year career as a college instructor to the revelation that as long as they were on their side of the table and I was on mine, everything would be fine.
As I have grown older, poorer, and sicker, my interest in being around others has waned. I want community, but I can't fake it anymore.
Part of me wants to plaster my car with bumper stickers. Here are some possibilities:
- Not all who wander are lost.
- Art is for everyone.
- Tell your cat I said psspsspss.
- Hearing impaired, dizzy, half-blind, ancient tired driver, please be patient.
- If you can read this, come on in for coffee, enter through tailpipe.
- Hey, NIMBYs, if you want to end homelessness in your neighborhood, increase the flow of fentanyl across the southern border.
- I'm hungry, and your dog is looking pretty tasty right now.
- Push if you think it will help; I could use the money.
- I brake for no reason, get over it.
- How's my driving? Call 1-800-upyours.
It's not me talking. It's the Keppra.
I always come back around to the futility of thinking and feeling. The Universe, if it responds to humans at all, doesn't give a crap about what we think and feel. Change only comes if we take action.
Action is not hard to do. The hard part is trying to predict the consequences of the action: Will the outcome be good or will it be bad? Then I have to go through the whole thing of defining what is good and what is bad. What if my actions lead to disaster? What if my actions hurt someone? What if my failure to take action is the wrong path? What if I should have turned there instead of here? What if I do nothing? What if I do everything?
There I go, back down the rabbit hole. The only way out, for me, is 2.5 miles on a windswept foggy beach.